Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Lesson

One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn is that people are not nice. I find that I am surrounded by people who are after their own gains, without a thought as to how it will effect the ones they profess to love and care about. Telling stories that have no truth left after being exaggerated , only to take focus off their own, less than honorable behavior.  I understand lack of self respect, believe me I know a little about that. What I don't understand is the need to tear someone else down.
I am tired of being in this position and I refuse to remain here. I am not perfect by any means but I do work very hard on being honest with myself and having true love for those in my life. Watching these people twist and turn the truth to their own means, is horrifying to me. I see that they have re-arranged history to fit themselves and don't any longer remember any truth but the one they have fabricated. I have watched my son do this for years. I know he is sick so I spent my life deciphering the truth from lies. I didn't realize it was a way of life for so many people. I am a bit disheartened I must say. Am I wrong to trust? I have worked so hard on learning to trust again, now I wonder why, only to be disappointed again? Am I just to expect this in humans, to never be disappointed? What I find sad in myself is that because of my son; instead of being more aware, I try to find the illness in the person that makes them this way. I don't want to fix them, I just want to understand.
I am a fairly upfront person,  hide little about myself, not for any other reason than that is who I am, I can be very crude, share to much at times, adamant about a subject,  yet change my mind the next day, if what you say makes sense, or more sense. I love deeply and with passion. I used to be very angry, not so much anymore. I love loud music and laughter. I hate crowds but will go in the hugest crowd ever, if it encourages someone I love in what they are trying to achieve. I am full of anxiety and hate confrontation more than anything. I can be easily intimidated at times.

What I can not tolerate is being abused and taken advantage of. That part of my life is over. In other words yes I want to understand and I will be gentle in my attempts , but DO NOT back me into a corner.
Being honest with yourself is not always easy, I understand that; I drank for many a year with the belief that I was normal. I believed it;  I could convince others.  I just don't understand the need in any way, why someone would want to make someone else as miserable as they are; or to make them seem to others as if they are. I flat just don't get it.

2 comments:

  1. ohhhhhhhhhhh man....I think you're in my head...I have found that people are cruel..every once in awhile you find someone who is kind and genuine....people love to take you down..makes them think that they have the power, that they are better...I want to understand too.. have spent my life searching for a reason that people have a need to hurt others..I don't get it.. I wonder if I ever will..so I build that wall brick by brick...a never let trust sneak in....but then .. there is that one....that one hearts that break through the crack in the wall...and your heart dances again....and that heart that just snuck in ...is yours my friend...I see you.. I love you...grab my hand ..I am here...As always...XOXOXOXO

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Thank you! <3 loves, hugs and ears to listen for you!

    ReplyDelete