Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I am tired of being in this position and I refuse to remain here. I am not perfect by any means but I do work very hard on being honest with myself and having true love for those in my life. Watching these people twist and turn the truth to their own means, is horrifying to me. I see that they have re-arranged history to fit themselves and don't any longer remember any truth but the one they have fabricated. I have watched my son do this for years. I know he is sick so I spent my life deciphering the truth from lies. I didn't realize it was a way of life for so many people. I am a bit disheartened I must say. Am I wrong to trust? I have worked so hard on learning to trust again, now I wonder why, only to be disappointed again? Am I just to expect this in humans, to never be disappointed? What I find sad in myself is that because of my son; instead of being more aware, I try to find the illness in the person that makes them this way. I don't want to fix them, I just want to understand.
I am a fairly upfront person, hide little about myself, not for any other reason than that is who I am, I can be very crude, share to much at times, adamant about a subject, yet change my mind the next day, if what you say makes sense, or more sense. I love deeply and with passion. I used to be very angry, not so much anymore. I love loud music and laughter. I hate crowds but will go in the hugest crowd ever, if it encourages someone I love in what they are trying to achieve. I am full of anxiety and hate confrontation more than anything. I can be easily intimidated at times.
What I can not tolerate is being abused and taken advantage of. That part of my life is over. In other words yes I want to understand and I will be gentle in my attempts , but DO NOT back me into a corner.