Usually I spend my days with one or the other of my children and their children, or I may spend the day with my mother and on the rare occasions when he is home I get to be with my husband. I spend time in my yard fussing about, taking pictures of flowers and bugs and any mammal that may appear. I am happy with this life.
When I think of where I was just a few short years ago, the drama, anger, pain and insecurities; it is hard to believe it was me. I worked a job I disliked for the most part, I worked hard and endlessly on my yard and gardens, I ran around like a wayward dog, sniffing at everything, but never staying. I had terrible relationships with people even sicker than I. I lived in a world of extremes, chaos was my life.
I used loud angry music as a therapy, throwing rocks at the interior walls of my home, I drank quart bottles of beer ; smashed the bottles on the slab of concrete that served as a porch. I threw with all the strength I had. One time I came to and I was standing in the middle of a major highway waiting for a truck to come along that I could jump in front of. Another time I went to the local park and took every pill in the house and waited for death. It never came obviously, I just got very ill and slept for 3 days. There were plenty of attempts and I thought about it all the time. Sometimes I still do.
Suddenly of few years ago, I awoke as if out of a dream and realized that there must be a reason that I was still around. I quit drinking and started dealing with my anger and what was at it's roots. Yes I am labeled as any number of things and "have", all kinds of disorders. That does not mean that I need to curl up and wither away. I don't need to protect the world from me, I am not a "bad" person, I am just one trying to grow and learn, as I think we all are.
What is sad is that a few years ago, I would have been angry and felt unloved if she had voiced those feelings to me. How selfish and dangerous I was. Looking at it that way, it is easy to see why people that don't know me anymore, would be skeptical of any growth I have claimed to achieve.