Sunday, July 24, 2011

Anger, Growth

Usually I spend my days with one or the other of my children and their children, or I may spend the day with my mother and on the rare occasions when he is home I get to be with my husband. I spend time in my yard fussing about, taking pictures of flowers and bugs and any mammal that may appear. I am happy with this life.

When I think of where I was just a few short years ago, the drama,  anger,  pain  and insecurities; it is hard to believe it was me. I worked a job I disliked for the most part, I worked hard and endlessly on my yard and gardens, I ran around like a wayward dog, sniffing at everything, but never staying. I had terrible relationships with people even sicker than I. I lived in a world of extremes, chaos was my life.

I used loud angry music as a therapy, throwing rocks at the interior walls of my home, I drank quart bottles of beer ; smashed the bottles on the slab of concrete that served as a porch. I threw with all the strength I had. One time I came to and I was standing in the middle of a major highway waiting for a truck to come along that I could jump in front of. Another time I went to the local park  and took every pill in the house and waited for death. It never came obviously, I just got very ill and slept for 3 days. There were plenty of attempts and I thought about it all the time. Sometimes I still do.

Suddenly of few years ago, I awoke as if out of a dream and realized that there must be a reason that I was still around. I quit drinking and started dealing with my anger and what was at it's roots. Yes I am labeled as any number of things and "have", all kinds of disorders. That does not mean that I need to curl up and wither away. I don't need to protect the world from me, I am not a "bad" person, I am just one trying to grow and learn, as I think we all are.

I say all this because of an incident that happened last evening. Kearstyn, (the little girl in my last post,) came home with Randy and I, along with her baby brother Tristyn. They were to spend the night, Tristyn was having a difficult time, cutting teeth I believe. Kearstyn felt responsible for the baby and was completely worn out, she called her daddy from the other room, whispered to him that she wanted to go home. He called me and, of course we talked about it, he decided to come pick her up. In the mean time I took the opportunity to talk to her and let her know that she doesn't have to keep it from me if she wants to leave, I may be disappointed but never angry. I told her if she was feeling insecure or lonely she could always tell us and we would take her home. She said she didn't want to make me sad. I said that she should always be true to her own feelings, I also told her that I want her to be happy, that I know she loves me and I would never do anything intentionally to make her unhappy. The point is; here is this 6 yr old child, sweet as can be, feeling responsible not only for her baby brother, but for the feelings of the adults in her life. It is difficult enough to be 6 without those kinds of demands. I hope that she continues to be the caring, loving person that she is, but also values herself for who she is. Putting others feelings before your own is a trap and a path way to being manipulated. You or I are not responsible for the feelings of others, we are only responsible for our own. Someone threatening to take their love away if you don't comply, is manipulating you.

What is sad is that a few years ago, I would have been angry and felt unloved if she had voiced those feelings to me. How selfish and dangerous I was. Looking at it that way, it is easy to see why people that don't know me anymore, would be skeptical of any growth I have claimed to achieve. 

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