Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Flashback.TRIGGERWARNING

Me at 9
I am going to see if I can sit here and find the words to tell you what is happening to me as we speak.

I was at mama's today having lunch with her as I do every Wednesday. We got to talking, and invariably it will turn to talk of my abuse as a child. She has no one ese to talk about this with and I am trying to help her get through the grief and guilt she feels. Mama would not be willing to talk to anyone else, she needs to let go.

offender
As we sat there talking I started remembering an episode that happened at a particular lake when my offender tried to drown me because I would not do as he asked under the water. He pushed me down by the top off my head then held me down by the shoulders. My sister who didn't have a clue he wasn't "playing", distracted him and he let go. I swam out of the water and ran to the changing room.  I have always had memories of parts of this time but today I had a flashback on the rest of it and I was horrified ,mortified and scared to death. My poor mama was getting concerned, I guess my whole face changed along with my tone. I quickly changed the subject and said my good byes.

The rest of it was that "he" caught up with me in the changing room; (I have no idea where my sister was, still in the water I presume.) He forced me to do what I wouldn't do in the water then made me clean him and myself. I was 9 or 10 years old. Worse I remembered the vile words he said,  the hatred and pure evil in his voice. It was if he was standing right there saying it all over again.  I was shaking, nearly hysterical, I went by my daughter's home, she wasn't home. I couldn't call, I just couldn't. I needed a distraction. Sounds stupid but as upset as I was, I went to my cell carriers store, I've been having issues with it. I spent 2 hours  there trying to get it fixed. As long as I was talking and working with them I could maintain.

After the store I had no desire to be home either, I stopped in at a few blogs, I decided that was enough of that and grabbed my kid, my dog and my camera and went to the river. Spent a couple hours walking and taking pictures, I felt somewhat better, here I am spilling it all out to you now, in the hopes that not burying it will somehow make the panic go away. I hate this, it has been a long time since my anxiety has been this severe.

I'll put on a smile and dance with you, if you promise to dance even while I cry.

9 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am so sorry that what these monsters do affect us long after they have stopped their evil actions. It's hard when you are grown and you've buried it for so long and it just pops up at the most inconvenient and unexpected time. A few years ago I had a memory flood back to me as well from when I was about 5 years old. I called my step mother to ask her what happened with the issue and what she told me didn't surprise me. I corrected her misguided belief and told her what happened and all I go back was, "Oh, we didn't know." Well, of course they didn't know because their bad parenting is what allowed me to be violated in the first place.
    I know it's hard to remember and it's hard to write it down but, the damage it will continue doing to your mind is far worse then just letting it out. If you can't put something out there for all to read then just write it up and hit the draft button, it does help to set it free even if nobody but you knows what was said.
    The older we get the more our minds have time to let those hidden demons run free and if we don't let them out fully they will keep interrupting our lives now.
    Thank you for sharing and I hope you feel better now.

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  2. I'm still a mess, it does help to write. My husband came home for the night and I have comfort in that, just knowing he is here. Thank you so much for being there.

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  3. Writing can somehow ease the pain. Remember there are a lot of things to smile about. You just have to open your heart and your eyes. Let the bad memories fades and remember the good ones. =)

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  4. It's horrible Jan ..the flashbacks..I understand the feelings you are having..it's like it is happening right here in this moment..your body and mind reacts....I hate it as I know you do..I wish I could be there with you to hold you and tell you that you are safe and they can't hurt you anymore..I hope the day gets better and the panic subsides..I love you <3<3<3

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  5. Thank you Bongo I am still having issues today, just can't seem to shake it. I need sleep. <3<3<3

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  6. Hang in there Jan! That is such a terrible evil you've been effected by. I'm proud of you for coming up with good healthy distractions for much of the day. Sometimes that is all we can do... distract ourselves. I'm going through a rough time right now myself (though nothing like yours, so I sorta feel bad comparing) and all I could do to keep from crying yesterday was to keep making lists of ideas for writing projects and read this one book. I had a hard time doing that with my pain, so you deserve at least 10x the kudos for making it through your day.

    I'm sending you hugs and wishes for peaceful sleep...

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  7. Jan, I am so sorry what happened to you. This made me cry. You are so brave to share this with us. It could easily happen to anyone out there. I think you are doing the right thing to face your anxieties even if they are painful. I am no expert but it sounds like a great idea to take your camera and "lose" yourself taking photos. What better therapy than to admire your master pieces afterwards. A big hug from across the miles xxxx

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