Sunday, July 17, 2011

Road to health, hearing my own advice.

I have spent so many days in depression and misery,  over half of my life. Sadness and anger ruling my choices; wondering why even bother. I could say a lot about who I was then; that would be dwelling on something that  cannot be changed now.

What do you do when people will not see the difference in you? Without ending the relationship, which in some cases cannot be done. My behavior should let people know that I am a different person yet I am still treated with disdain. I try to not let it bother me, obviously it does or I wouldn't be writing. There was a time in my life that I would have spent all my energy trying to convince them. I am too focused on the good in my life for that anymore. Then I realize that just because I have changed,  does not mean they have.  Naturally they are going to see me as I was; if not they will have to look at themselves; apparently they are not ready to do this.

I counseled a young woman I have known a very long time. I told her what I knew, that if you concentrate on every mistake you have made you leave no room for changing. If you blame everyone else for your ills you will never see your own poor choices. If you continue to rant and rave about what he did and not look at why he could, you are sentencing yourself to failure. I told her she needs to get more help than I could give her and at this point even though she is in dire straights whatever decision the court makes will more than likely be a better decision than she could make right now. Burying your head in the disaster you have made of your life will only lead to more disaster.

I am lost. I can talk a good story and most of the time I can live it. I spend a lot of time with  good people and children. My husband adores me, I him. Yet my cloud feels cold and empty much of the time. Being exhausted everyday, to tired to cry, to tired to laugh.

Being  analytical, I am always trying to figure out the whys. Is it my meds, menopause, health, even my bad teeth. I just don't know anymore. I am manic happy, depressive sad all in the span of 10 minutes. Sadness stemming from the fact that I am not recognized as different by some of the people that mean the most to me.

I'm rambling and saying nothing. Time to go. Thanks for listening.


  1. You aren't rambling and you have a lot to say. you have amazing strength and courage. You fight your demons everyday in ways some of us have never imagined. I have had one demon like you have mentioned, but you lady have the determination and guts that I am in awe off. Thank you for sharing...please feel free to call on me for strength anytime you need it..I am honored to be called your friend. Sometimes the hardest part of being loved is to be accepted for who and what you are when we are dealing with friends and family that are uneducated and/or unable to accept that we have an affliction that we deal with everyday, it is hard for some of our loved ones to look at themselves from the inside out to see the mirrored reflection of their self...your friend Connie Cantrell

  2. You are someone special..and at times natural to feel lost.Take care of yourself..What is life? Look around you for a second. Life is what happens to you right now, while you are reading this. Thats you. Thats life. And you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have..

  3. Thank you ladies it means a lot to have the support.

  4. Jan,sometimes we try too hard :) Just let it go and the people who matter will be part of your life. Those are the people who care. If they want to be part of your life they will. It is time to start living without regrets :) Embrace life and whatever it is offering you. God bless :)

  5. Hi Jan - Sometimes the change is so deep within ourselves - we look at the world and ourselves through new eyes, and expect others to see the change too. From my experience, that doesn't always happen and people are good at bringing up our past when we think we've moved on. I think it's best we stop looking for acknowledgment and affirmation from others and love the changed persons we are. Hugs and God bless.

  6. I couldn't agree more. I not so much want affirmation as I do the judgments to stop from people who have no idea who I am anymore.