Road to health, hearing my own advice.

I have spent so many days in depression and misery,  over half of my life. Sadness and anger ruling my choices; wondering why even bother. I could say a lot about who I was then; that would be dwelling on something that  cannot be changed now.

What do you do when people will not see the difference in you? Without ending the relationship, which in some cases cannot be done. My behavior should let people know that I am a different person yet I am still treated with disdain. I try to not let it bother me, obviously it does or I wouldn't be writing. There was a time in my life that I would have spent all my energy trying to convince them. I am too focused on the good in my life for that anymore. Then I realize that just because I have changed,  does not mean they have.  Naturally they are going to see me as I was; if not they will have to look at themselves; apparently they are not ready to do this.

I counseled a young woman I have known a very long time. I told her what I knew, that if you concentrate on every mistake you have made you leave no room for changing. If you blame everyone else for your ills you will never see your own poor choices. If you continue to rant and rave about what he did and not look at why he could, you are sentencing yourself to failure. I told her she needs to get more help than I could give her and at this point even though she is in dire straights whatever decision the court makes will more than likely be a better decision than she could make right now. Burying your head in the disaster you have made of your life will only lead to more disaster.

I am lost. I can talk a good story and most of the time I can live it. I spend a lot of time with  good people and children. My husband adores me, I him. Yet my cloud feels cold and empty much of the time. Being exhausted everyday, to tired to cry, to tired to laugh.

Being  analytical, I am always trying to figure out the whys. Is it my meds, menopause, health, even my bad teeth. I just don't know anymore. I am manic happy, depressive sad all in the span of 10 minutes. Sadness stemming from the fact that I am not recognized as different by some of the people that mean the most to me.

I'm rambling and saying nothing. Time to go. Thanks for listening.