Sunday, July 31, 2011

Residual Effect

For the last few days I have found myself in places I should never be, I thought I would never be there again. My anxieties are on hyper-power, my decision making skills seem to have abandoned me and I am breaching on a major depression. The coping skills that I have worked so hard to learn and master are not working, I am drowning. The pain is as intense now as it was years ago, I just want it to stop.

I have kept myself busy, birthday parties, spending time with family, taking pictures, messing in the garden, nothing makes a difference.

My husband and I were home alone the other day, I was out on the porch, with the door closed because of a cigarette. I was leaning on the rail, staring at the sky; Randy opened the door and said"Honey?", scared me so badly I almost went over the rail. I haven't been this jumpy in years, the look of concern on his face made me crumple into his arms. He didn't laugh as is the normal procedure when you unintentionally startle someone. He said I looked as if I was scared for my life, which essentially I was. This is not at all who I am now.

Randy has walked many o the healing miles with me and knows generally how to help me, now I am back to not talking about it and keeping a wall up between us again for fear of hurting him or being hurt. Where the hell is that coming from? He has never been anything except understanding and loving with me, and very patient, I say again VERY patient.

The most I have been able to say to anyone is that "I am not doing well." Then the why comes and I say flashback I guess, and the subject is changed and that is the end of that. For someone that doesn't cry my eyes have been welling with tears over nothing. All of this just needs to go away.

I know that these things will pass and I will heal once more, I just want to know how long I am going to have to continue on this ride. I am tired ever so tired of the painted on smiles while the sadness permeates through my heart.



  1. Jan as I was reading your post it was like reading about my own life , its not always easy , and the anxiety is enough to literaly leave me breathing heavily. everything takes time we should try to never give up . thinking of you always Xxx Anna Romano ( Franca Reale)

  2. I am usually better than this. But right now I am tired, tired of everything. Thankyou. <3<3

  3. My friend...write it out if you can.....I know where you are coming from and I know you know I "GET IT" ears....shoulders...arms...hands are there for you anytime, good or bad!!!!!.......I LOVE you....<3<3<3...As always....XOXOXOXO

  4. Thank you Bonnie, it has and still is a horrific week. I appreciate that you are there.<3<3<3

  5. I understand so well where you are right now. It is frustrating to not understand why all of a sudden you are shutting down again. For me it is usually when new memories come up. I have a terrific husband also, but worry that he is eventually going to tire of the long recovery process. I hope things get better, and that you are able to talk or write more. I also wanted to let you know that myself along with a few other survivors created a blog where survivors can go to share their stories and artwork. It is if you are interested in contributing. You can e-mail me at You will be in my thoughts:)

  6. Angela thank you so much. I will be checking the sites out. In the mean time here is a link to my story on Bongo is Me