Residual Effect

For the last few days I have found myself in places I should never be, I thought I would never be there again. My anxieties are on hyper-power, my decision making skills seem to have abandoned me and I am breaching on a major depression. The coping skills that I have worked so hard to learn and master are not working, I am drowning. The pain is as intense now as it was years ago, I just want it to stop.

I have kept myself busy, birthday parties, spending time with family, taking pictures, messing in the garden, nothing makes a difference.

My husband and I were home alone the other day, I was out on the porch, with the door closed because of a cigarette. I was leaning on the rail, staring at the sky; Randy opened the door and said"Honey?", scared me so badly I almost went over the rail. I haven't been this jumpy in years, the look of concern on his face made me crumple into his arms. He didn't laugh as is the normal procedure when you unintentionally startle someone. He said I looked as if I was scared for my life, which essentially I was. This is not at all who I am now.

Randy has walked many o the healing miles with me and knows generally how to help me, now I am back to not talking about it and keeping a wall up between us again for fear of hurting him or being hurt. Where the hell is that coming from? He has never been anything except understanding and loving with me, and very patient, I say again VERY patient.

The most I have been able to say to anyone is that "I am not doing well." Then the why comes and I say flashback I guess, and the subject is changed and that is the end of that. For someone that doesn't cry my eyes have been welling with tears over nothing. All of this just needs to go away.

I know that these things will pass and I will heal once more, I just want to know how long I am going to have to continue on this ride. I am tired ever so tired of the painted on smiles while the sadness permeates through my heart.