Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Horrifying Day

Today is a terrible day, I can't write about it yet, or maybe not at all, it is not my story to tell.

Memories of how I used to live have been slammed in my face, the fear, the insecurity, the pain, the feeling of being drowned and everything being beyond my own control. It is horrifying to watch someones life unravel, to feel the heaviness in your heart for someone you love who is lost. Suicide being not mentioned but insinuated, if not suicide then hurting someone else. To see the one you love come this close to snapping and there being absolutely nothing you can say or do.Them verbalizing"it is going to happen", "It is already to late", I had to leave. I could call the police, to what end? Nothing has happened, there would not be help, only a talking too!

How do you tell someone to hush their mouth when they cannot hear you speaking? How do you tell them they are acting insane, when they are so far gone that they are insane. How do you shut down an antagonistic, without antagonizing.

How do you tell some one that is wound up so tight, trying to find release, to breath and  relax. I have felt that tightness, for two thirds of my life, breath and relax never ever worked for me. When you can see the fear, while they assume it is anger, what do you do.

Though I have lived through all of this, different, but the same, I still have no answers. My heart is breaking, all I could do was walk away. I had to be selfish, I had to preserve my own sobriety, sanity, as well as my own power of reason. When you can't be heard it is pointless to speak.

Those tears I cried for all  those years, just simply aren't needed anymore.  


  1. Believe this or not, but I am living something that sounds...much like this. I know not the same, but I kind of get it. the irony...I might help many, but I cannot help this one...The only thing I can say is this...

    whatever is going on in their mind, heart, life, is their journey. They have to take it. You can be there to support when you can, but you don't have to be abused or take "shit". When they hit bottom you can show them the door to help, but you cannot make them go through it. It sucks to watch people you love implode, but no less for you than the people who have had to watch us implode a time or two.

    My love, thoughts, and prayers are with you Jan. You know how to get ahold of me if you just want to talk. <3

  2. Thank you so much Lisa. I know I have to back away, because I want to live in joy, right now I am sad, and yes it is hard to watch those implosions. What I put my poor mother through....Thank you for the prayers. <3

  3. My prayers are with you Jan...Often in life we forget the things we should remember and remember the things we should forget.
    Take care...and i am always around if u need a u

  4. Thank you Alpana. Thank you for the prayers.<3

  5. I am so sorry that you had such an awful day :( I will be praying that peace shall break over your heart like a flood, driving out darkness and bringing only a healing light to you, lifting your heart up on the wings of hope to feel once again joy.

  6. I have gone through something similar and I know that fear Jan. Take care and lots of love and hugs to you

  7. @Jessica M. Thank you for the prayers. Thingss are calmer now and Though no healing for them has occurred yet, at least exhaustion has given them a bit of a reprieve.

    @Rimly, Thank you I will accept those hugs and the love, it is a beautiful thing to receive.

  8. Jan, we often have to take the 'selfish stand' although we don't want too... sometimes it's just need....

    like you said ....

    "My heart is breaking, all I could do was walk away. I had to be selfish, I had to preserve my own sobriety, sanity, as well as my own power of reason."

  9. Yes, right is not always easy. Thanks for stopping by.

  10. Boundaries. Self respect. Values. We have to model them. We teach people what we'll put up with. People are only as crazy as they can get away with. You know that first hand!
    You are growing and stretching... this is a simple thing, Sobriety - but no one said it was easy!
    I hear all the old timers say that in my head when I start to balk... The right thing is often the hardest thing. That's why there is such a shortage of heroes.
    I love you and am thinking of you and hope that you find peace and space from grief, pain and insanity.

  11. Loving yourself is the first and right thing to do always - Jan. I know it's not the easiest, but we all live and learn. Holding you close in love and prayer...