Wednesday, August 3, 2011

More Effects----Read my story at:

Read my story at

I have obviously not come as far as I thought I had. I was slammed by the recent memories so much so that I started to revert back to old behaviors....without realizing what I was doing. I am disturbed by this to say the least. I was under the impression that I had deleted those old tapes in my head. Never-the-less
here I am suffering the consequences for poor choices once again. Oh to be sure it is not nearly so bad as it has been in the past. I haven't let my control go completely, I am gaining some back.

What happens is that since I no longer drink, I try to run in different ways, the biggest of which is eating, not just anything, I eat ice cream, ding dongs, king size candy bars, all washed down with gallons of Coca Cola. I slip back into old emotional patterns, the dynamics with my son suffer the most with my inability to remain consistent.

The eating is something that I understand a little better than the others. I was told from the time I can remember that I was fat and ugly and no one would love me because of it. My therapist says that I go in to protection mode when I feel threatened or frightened. That in and of itself is not so unusual, I think we all do that to a degree. I find comfort in the sugar, eat little else and gain weight like crazy, also set myself up for depression. Must be nuts right, I mean I have knowledge now of what the behavior will do, so why do it. First you have to be aware that it is happening and try to find another route to go for the anxieties you are feeling I would presume. Since I don't want to take meds if I don't have to,(they always want to give me knock out pills) , I have to come up with a new coping skill. I thought I had found it in my photography, but alas as with everything else it is not working as well any longer. I won't quit taking pictures, the outdoor time is something I relish. I just have to find something to go along with it. I write here now and have recently started talking to a friend on line, I have never done that before,(she is a girl), I am not jeopardizing anything.( For those of you concerned my promiscuous behavior would return,) not as long as I'm sober, I can reassure you of that.  I haven't slipped all the way back, I have no desire for a drink, I just want to have normal thought processes. Erg, I hate this can't put two sentences together that make sense.

I haven't done anything immoral or illegal, just ignorant. I am pretty much a basket case with no basket to hang on to. Stupid stuff. Driving all the way across town to my granddaughter's birthday party, only to discover I was a week early; like I don't know when her birthday is. I had planned today's trip for 3 days, made arrangement's for Kenny to be gone, the whole nine yards. I sat at the park for a bit then it suddenly dawned on me that today was the 3rd not the 10th. What a dork. I called Reb and Noah, we all had a great laugh. I am so frustrated with this kind of thing you can't imagine. I get an opportunity
to go and run, I'm gone. Even when there is no where to go. Sheesh.  As you can see I have no clear direction right now so I am going to quit writing . I hope this all passes soon.



  1. Jan, I wish I could give you a hug! I am also upset and angry that you have to go through all these things because of a sick and evil person. The world is so quick to judge a person by how they look. Never do they look beyond that...You take gorgeous photos...don´t give up on that!

  2. Thank you Nelieta, my anger subsided a lot when he died then my father and I were able to "fix", things between us before he died. I stll have my moments, like now. but generally I do all right. Thank you for your love.

  3. Jan, a beautiful soul you are. That’s what matters in the end. I don’t know your history, but it sounds like you’ve encountered some hardships along the way.

  4. Thank you Debra. My hardships were no worse than many others were or are. It is how you handle them, I haven't done a good job of that so far. I will get better. Thanks again.