Monday, August 8, 2011

Nightmares of Betrayal

As any who reads me knows; I have been not quite right of late. I am getting better, manage to enjoy some of the day to day interactions I have. I still don't want to leave my house, but I do, I am still having nightmares, so bad I am inconsolable which leads to lack of sleep and extreme moodiness. I am aware of the effects, I continue with my time on here, with my family, I have not however been able to find the energy to take care of my yard. More of my self punishment I presume.

He didn't have a chance, this is my living room, he was 15.
I have also been coping with the fact that my son has been on another binge. These are so hard to take from so many different levels. I understand the disease completely, what I don't understand is the inability to recognize that what you are doing is wrong. That it is going to kill you. No that is not true, I drank for 30+ years knowing I could die. I wanted too. I guess that is why it disturbs me so with Kenny, he is an angry, broken young man, I cannot fix that, yet we both somehow expect me too! I do really well with boundaries and consistency until I am slammed with my own crap. Instinctively he knows this, taking full advantage of my vulnerabilities. I don't and never will believe it is intentional, be that as it may, sometimes it puts me over the edge. I spent a wonderful day with my husband and 2 of my grand-kids on Saturday,we were taking a road trip, about an hour away from home, my phone rang, it was Kenny. "When you gonna be home?" at least I think that is what he said, he was VERY intoxicated.  It is always something. I didn't give it another thought, we went on about our business of having an enjoyable day.

Back home now, I have Lewis which keeps me busy; out of my own head, also have Kenny; Randy is off on the road. I would say I am healing slowly,anxieties are fewer, not so overwhelming. I can function, don't want to but can. That is an improvement.

I feel as though I am fighting a war; the enemy has strongholds, I do not, being ambushed on a constant basis is frightening,waiting for it to happen so much so that I make it happen myself. Which in turn means I am my own enemy. Nothing new about that but damn it; I want it to stop. I had horrifying dreams last night, today I am exhausted, if I hadn't had Lew here I wouldn't have gotten out of bed. 

These nightmares have been more of betrayal than of violence. Oh don't get me wrong the violence is there; the part that sticks with me is the betrayal, My husband having an affair, my mother alienating me, my kids disowning me. That sort of thing, which means I wake in total fear, fear of losing the only people I have again. Is this guilt for past behaviors? Is this residual feelings of inadequacy? I don't know, I know that there is no truth in any of it, how do I fight this battle?

I have conquered a lot of negative feelings and behaviors in this short life of mine, I am just tired I want it to end; I want peace; no recurring uprisings in this war. I am so very tired.        

4 comments:

  1. Let’s talk about your nightmares Jan. What are you doing with them? Meaning, what are they telling you? Because when I have nightmares, I write them down and ponder them to see what they’re trying to tell me about what’s going on in my inner world, my psyche. What about you?

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  2. Peace comes in small glimpses. Hope returns in ways we never expect and serenity moves in to stay when we let go of resentment and fear.
    Easier said than done. But if we know what our resentments are, if we are aware of what triggers our fears, we can learn healthy ways to manage them. We can interrupt our old ideas and replace them with new, better and healthier coping skills.
    It's normal to come up against stuff at this point in your sobriety. You've settled into a sort of comfort zone with your alcoholism... so it's time to deal with the other 'isms' in your life so that you can have true sobriety and serenity... in all aspects of your life. You're right on schedule.

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  3. @ Debra...I usually mull them over in my head, put some of it down send the day trying to analyze them. I used to be able to to control them in my sleep, somewhere I have lost that capability. To be honest I believe there is a combination of things going on, hormones for one, my physical depression for another, being 3 years into sobriety another. The recurring memories don't help the peaceful nights sleep, but the more I process the easier they become to cope with. Thank you for the advice.

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  4. @Miss Rebecca- I know all you say is correct, I appreciate the encouragement. As I said I am just tired. I spent a lifetime running from what I now am trying to process and cope with. Changing old tapes in my brain, getting rid of all the old words that bounce around in my brain has been a terrific challenge. Your children, you And Noah, as well as some of our other family members help tremendously with changing those tapes. You trusting me enough to have your children and care for them is huge for me. Thanks for that.

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