Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Sabotage

When my second daughter was a very young child she was drawing flowers and getting very frustrated because the flowers kept not coming out "right". She remembers me telling her, " Honey, they don't have to be perfect, just so long as you try your hardest." She stopped scratching them out and did them over and over until "she" was satisfied with the way they looked. I would do well to listen to my own advice.

In every aspect of my life I have scratched things out and started over again. I used to do this with relationships, I always seemed to have someone waiting on the side for the time I screwed up the present one.  Then I would sabotage the relationship I was in, breaking their heart before they could break mine. I have gotten through this and no longer sabotage love.

However what I do is sabotage other achievements, no matter what it is. I seem to be fearful of success. I don't blame anyone else for this, I just have no idea how I can change it in myself.

I plant a garden, I know I can grow beautiful flowers; I get lazy and don't do things correctly with full knowledge that things won't grow properly. Then get really angry with myself when they don't. Needing a reason to beat myself up? I do the same thing with cooking, or paying bills, whatever. My diet is the worst issue I have with this, I can do well for a few months , something happens and my brain tells me, why bother you'll never get there anyway and I'm off on a sugar binge. I swear I wanna beat my head of a wall sometimes.

I love to take photos, it is a great therapy for me, I am fearful of taking it any further simply because I don't want to sabotage this as well. I take pictures for the shear joy of it, the minute I get into any competition I just want to throw in the towel. Like my daughter; I feel as though it is not good enough.

I realize this attitude has stopped me from achieving many things and barred me from many activities I know I would have enjoyed. Yet I don't seem to be able to stop the pattern. There are very few things I have been able to follow through. I did raise my children to adulthood, I have 2 lifetime friends, my animals are still alive, my mother and I have a solid relationship and of course my marriage is a top priority. When I get the wonky feeling now I am able to communicate with Randy about it.

Being that I have been able to control this behavior in parts of my life, I am led to believe that I can stop the sabotage in other areas as well. I just don't know how I did it in the first place, making it difficult to put it into action.

This is all part of my growth and journey of that I am sure; a building of true confidence and self belief and love will probably be the answer. I am not willing to give up the things I have managed to achieve to giving up for no good reason. I strive to live my life in a positive vein of thinking, just feeling a little lost on this right now. As if the ground beneath me has been knocked a little loose and I need to shuffle a bit to stay upright.

    photos thanks to google search and my own albums.

11 comments:

  1. You will be fine,because I know you are a wonderful human being,and u deserve the best.Life is made up of years that mean nothing and moments that mean it all.Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.Take care...always with u

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  2. All of us go through these emotions and all of us emerge victorious because it's momentary. Nothing is permanent except change, let's grow into the change and become what we want to.

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  3. I know what that feeling is...sabotaging all that you have achieved. It is almost a kind of self destructive thing. I do that too. I guess we just give up. But I am glad you are looking at life positively and you have positive energy around you be it your husband, your cats , your two friends or your mother. I keep looking forward to your photography, dont give that up. God bless

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  4. Jan, I've been reading your blog for a little while. I've watched you grow... blossom.. or maybe the better words would be "turn things around" I've really seen the difference in your writing, it's positive and uplifting. I think it's awesome you are taking control and realizing you can control some things.... You're definitely on your way ....

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  5. Thank you Alpana, what a wonderful journey life can be. up and down and all around.

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  6. If you were programmed to believe that you will fail, you will fail, and you will continue to. It's difficult, to succeed - when there seems to more to risk. But, it can be done and it is worth it. Follow through is key. Even if it hurts, commit to a goal and follow through. So many times I have started a painting or piece of jewelry and believed that it would be a terrible, disgusting failure - guess what? They weren't. But I had to finish them. I had to see the project to the end.
    Building esteem, by doing esteem-able acts.
    You're a good photographer - but your a lover of people first. That shows in your photos. Keep it up, keep posting and stretch, a little at a time. You are on the right track!

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  7. You are right Sulekkha, off I go down the road to fixing me.

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  8. Rimly I thank you and I will continue. I at this point don't know what else I could do.

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  9. Debbie, thank you for sticking with me on my journey. It can be rough for us all, I am glad you are there.

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  10. And Miss Rebecca, who knows me sowell, thank you for your faith and encouragement, it means more to me than you could ever know.<3

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  11. I have done that before Jan, sabotaging a relationship before it had time to bloom. The reason was mainly that I was hurting so much after my divorce and sabotaged it before I get hurt again. It took some time but now I am on the right track again.Hang in there!

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