In every aspect of my life I have scratched things out and started over again. I used to do this with relationships, I always seemed to have someone waiting on the side for the time I screwed up the present one. Then I would sabotage the relationship I was in, breaking their heart before they could break mine. I have gotten through this and no longer sabotage love.
However what I do is sabotage other achievements, no matter what it is. I seem to be fearful of success. I don't blame anyone else for this, I just have no idea how I can change it in myself.
I plant a garden, I know I can grow beautiful flowers; I get lazy and don't do things correctly with full knowledge that things won't grow properly. Then get really angry with myself when they don't. Needing a reason to beat myself up? I do the same thing with cooking, or paying bills, whatever. My diet is the worst issue I have with this, I can do well for a few months , something happens and my brain tells me, why bother you'll never get there anyway and I'm off on a sugar binge. I swear I wanna beat my head of a wall sometimes.
I love to take photos, it is a great therapy for me, I am fearful of taking it any further simply because I don't want to sabotage this as well. I take pictures for the shear joy of it, the minute I get into any competition I just want to throw in the towel. Like my daughter; I feel as though it is not good enough.
I realize this attitude has stopped me from achieving many things and barred me from many activities I know I would have enjoyed. Yet I don't seem to be able to stop the pattern. There are very few things I have been able to follow through. I did raise my children to adulthood, I have 2 lifetime friends, my animals are still alive, my mother and I have a solid relationship and of course my marriage is a top priority. When I get the wonky feeling now I am able to communicate with Randy about it.
This is all part of my growth and journey of that I am sure; a building of true confidence and self belief and love will probably be the answer. I am not willing to give up the things I have managed to achieve to giving up for no good reason. I strive to live my life in a positive vein of thinking, just feeling a little lost on this right now. As if the ground beneath me has been knocked a little loose and I need to shuffle a bit to stay upright.
photos thanks to google search and my own albums.