Sabotage

When my second daughter was a very young child she was drawing flowers and getting very frustrated because the flowers kept not coming out "right". She remembers me telling her, " Honey, they don't have to be perfect, just so long as you try your hardest." She stopped scratching them out and did them over and over until "she" was satisfied with the way they looked. I would do well to listen to my own advice.

In every aspect of my life I have scratched things out and started over again. I used to do this with relationships, I always seemed to have someone waiting on the side for the time I screwed up the present one.  Then I would sabotage the relationship I was in, breaking their heart before they could break mine. I have gotten through this and no longer sabotage love.

However what I do is sabotage other achievements, no matter what it is. I seem to be fearful of success. I don't blame anyone else for this, I just have no idea how I can change it in myself.

I plant a garden, I know I can grow beautiful flowers; I get lazy and don't do things correctly with full knowledge that things won't grow properly. Then get really angry with myself when they don't. Needing a reason to beat myself up? I do the same thing with cooking, or paying bills, whatever. My diet is the worst issue I have with this, I can do well for a few months , something happens and my brain tells me, why bother you'll never get there anyway and I'm off on a sugar binge. I swear I wanna beat my head of a wall sometimes.

I love to take photos, it is a great therapy for me, I am fearful of taking it any further simply because I don't want to sabotage this as well. I take pictures for the shear joy of it, the minute I get into any competition I just want to throw in the towel. Like my daughter; I feel as though it is not good enough.

I realize this attitude has stopped me from achieving many things and barred me from many activities I know I would have enjoyed. Yet I don't seem to be able to stop the pattern. There are very few things I have been able to follow through. I did raise my children to adulthood, I have 2 lifetime friends, my animals are still alive, my mother and I have a solid relationship and of course my marriage is a top priority. When I get the wonky feeling now I am able to communicate with Randy about it.

Being that I have been able to control this behavior in parts of my life, I am led to believe that I can stop the sabotage in other areas as well. I just don't know how I did it in the first place, making it difficult to put it into action.

This is all part of my growth and journey of that I am sure; a building of true confidence and self belief and love will probably be the answer. I am not willing to give up the things I have managed to achieve to giving up for no good reason. I strive to live my life in a positive vein of thinking, just feeling a little lost on this right now. As if the ground beneath me has been knocked a little loose and I need to shuffle a bit to stay upright.

    photos thanks to google search and my own albums.