Thursday, September 1, 2011

Life:Confusing

 How can anyone have so much joy in their heart and have overwhelming sadness as well. It is all very confusing to me, I feel elated and devastated, one minute I am laughing the next near tears. I'm  excited and depressed, motivated and lethargic, what the hell is going on??

There are things going on around me that are not my issues! Not mine to cope with, or to change; when it involves people you love deeply it is okay to be empathetic. Not  to let it take a piece of your own sanity away, I know this, still my head is spinning like a hurricane wind. You can be there offer support, walk with them, you can not take the steps for them. Of all this I am fully aware, do a pretty good job of keeping my boundaries firm.

At the same time when you can literally feel the pain you see in their eyes; they think is hidden in false joy, or doing, or drugs and alcohol, what are you supposed to do with it. I went through many a year feeling nothing, being numb to my own pain, let alone the pain of others. I suddenly seem to see it everywhere. I am not trying to escape my own crap in the drama of other people lives, I simply hurt for them. I feel raw and vulnerable, scared and fearful, at the same time I feel strong and confident. I am so confused.

I seriously feel like I am 13, I have all the answers, yet so many questions. I do, as anyone else, have my own stuff I am trying to sort out, but I am doing that with success. Is it that I want them to hurry up and join me? Am I fearful of losing them if they do not?

I am a bit of a control freak, (others would say that is an understatement), is that the problem? Is it all beyond my control and that puts me at a loss? Shouldn't, I have been dealing with loss of control for most of my life. I am fully aware that I have no control over anyone else's choices or lives in general. To be honest I don't want it, what a burden that would be. I'm way too tired  for that kind of weight. Is it because my right to choose was taken when I was so young, that I want to control others? Who knows.


The empathy and sadness I feel for others is not just for those I love, oh no, because I'm me I have a difficult time with a sad face in the grocery store, or an angry face, I try to give them a smile, who knows it may be just what they need. Fine, that's all well and good, but why, tell me why I spend the next ten minutes wondering what made them sad or angry. Sometimes I wake up at night wondering what more I could have done to cheer the person.

What is wrong with me? Did I not feel for so long, that now I feel everything around me?

As I said, I am so confused.



       Photos thanks to google search

14 comments:

  1. Jan - To an extent I know how this feels..and it's always hard..I think I'm going to blog about this soon...Just know that you're doing great to stay positive and take care of yourself.

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  2. Nice post!!!... love reading it

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  3. Don't be so hard on yourself. Learn from what you do, but don't punish yourself. Just pay attention to what you feel is right or wrong. Your belief system affects your perceptions or how you interpret what you see, hear and feel. It takes a lot of work to look at yourself and identify the beliefs that are affecting your life in a negative manner. However, knowing your beliefs will give you a sound basis for emotional freedom. I do believe that you should be very proud of yourself, seeing and assessing what you are doing .... now you just have to work on it.

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  4. @ Corinne- thank you, it is good to know I am not alone!

    @ Eigroj-Thank You

    @ Larry- Thank you for your encouragement, sometimes that is all it takes is a light!

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  5. Jan,I understand what u are feeling...Tomorrow is a blank page, just waiting to be filled with your dreams... All you have to do is be yourself and live the story of your own unique life. Be proud. Be confident. And most of all be happy.Take care...

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  6. It is evident from your post that you are a tremendously sensitive person and, coming from one who's been there/done that, such a disposition can wreak havoc on our emotions and our perceptions of and concern for others. You are wise to see it as it is and know that it's okay to feel confused.
    God bless, Jan!

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  7. Did you ever consider that maybe the reason is not because you are empathetic but, an empath?
    I can hear the murmurs now, "who let the wack job out of her cage?"
    Seriously though. When I was a child I would cry or be angry or God only knows what emotions were going on. I had every reason to be that way but, it was bad and got worse the older I got. People blamed my horoscope sign, Cancer. The things they didn't know were...1- I have a Leo cusp which my personality tends to be more Leo than Cancer. And anyone who puts all their life in a month sun sign should learn about Astrology. I digress though. And 2- I am an empath. It took years and sometimes I still slip, to block or in my case distinguish between my actual feelings and emotions and others.
    It's a lot of work to learn how to do it but, in the end it's better to know whose feelings are causing your severe moodswings.
    Now, the nut will go back to the shell and stop scaring the nice, normal people.

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  8. Jan sometimes things go whack or out of sync even disconnect... I have been going through this and have been writing it down... My way of understanding this disconnect... It has helped me understand...
    Just take time out and observe and write down what you are feeling and what triggered it...Hope it helps

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  9. You are all so loving and caring, Thank you so much.

    Jen, I actually have considered the empath angle. I too am a Cancer on Gemini cusp. By all the charts done I am more Cancer than anything. I myself think it has more to do with being abused and feeling constant pain for so long. Now when I see it in others it is incredibly difficult to separate their pain from mine.

    Alpana; I am trying to color that page with my own vibrant and multi-hued colors. Thank you.

    Martha; Thank you, sensitivity can be a literal pain in the neck.

    Savira; thank you, writing and looking sounds like a good idea to me.

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  10. Jen you are not a nut byw, sounds very reasonable to me. Course some say I am a nut.

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  11. I liked what Jenni said. I met someone a few years ago who said she was an empath. I had not heard the term before so she explained it to me. It's not a bad thing to be in touch with your emotions. I know it can be overwhelming, but I'd take a passionate person who can let out their emotions any day over someone who can't express them at all. Balance in all things is good though. Good topic!

    http://lyricfire.typepad.com/lyric-fire/2011/09/lyric-fire-one-hug-one-kiss-bonus-material-from-look-at-my-fabulous-life.html

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  12. "Is it because my right to choose was taken when I was so young, that I want to control others?"what a profound and clear statement..i think it was a statement of awareness..and that's good..most who come from dysfunctional families always have a need to feel in control of ourselves and others..but you are aware and that is a sign of courage..you are also very intuitive and you can feel that strangers sad face..we are similar that way..keep going my friend..you are doing great..... <3<3<3 As always...XOXOXOXOXO

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  13. Bongo; <3 I always feel as though you are here talking in my ear. Thank you for listening.Thank you for all you have done for me. <3<3<3

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