Friday, September 9, 2011

Thank You

I have an overwhelming amount of stuff going on right now...having a difficult time putting thoughts together. I read your blogs to stay grounded, to know what I'm dealing with is just a bump in the road. I don't have a romantic heartbreak to cope with, I am so grateful for that. My finances are screwed but not more than usual. I'm fairly healthy physically, could stand to loose a bunch of weight but other than that, I am doing well. Especially considering all the foolishness I've done to my body.

I get mired in the woes of my children, which are not small by any means, I help where I can, trying not to go over the boundaries I have set for myself. I watch them hurt and heal, lose all hope gain it back, I sometimes believe I am too involved. What changes my mind on that fact is when I get to share the blessed moments as well. Family is everything to me. I recognize that I cannot "fix" the problems they have made for themselves, but I can be there to hold them when they are looking for a direction. I would never tell them which way to go, that is not my job anymore. I can however show them some options without pulling them in the direction I would choose. For one thing they are all a lot like I am and would go the opposite way.

Lately it seems as if everyone is going through a bad patch, I have no answers, I myself have been swallowed in a darkness of my own. I can see the spiral down path some of them are on and yes it breaks my heart, there is still nothing I can do. I can not break the fall, I can not stop the spin. To stand by and watch is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I appreciate my mother and her love even more,  she watched the same in me. What she had to deal with was even deeper, she thought it was her fault. 

I know they will all come through this and be stronger, smarter and wiser for the trip. No one wants to hear that while they are in the midst of their suffering, so what do you say? I say, "Well, what can you do to change it?" or " One thing at a time." Or simply "I love you". There is not much else to say. 

Doing, the secret is in the doing , I can't fix what they or anyone else is feeling, I can do for them if it is going to help them help themselves. I wont do it for them, I can't, don't have the energy. I walk with them unless they choose a course I won't traverse, in that case I would tell them I have to leave. Sometimes I think being honest is the hardest, instead of the easiest way to be. When dealing with insanity and their reality has nothing to do with real life it is a challenge to get the truth to penetrate. If you are consistent in that truth and your own boundaries, it can be done. 

Back to me, aside from everything my children are going through, (I have 5, all adults), I myself have been in crisis as well. No one to talk too, no one to hear. The darkness sneaks in and takes me into a deep hole of despair.The echos of a past I can no longer deny, I have to explore the abuse, I have to feel it, I have to know that it is over, I have to know it was not my fault. I have to reconstruct my thought processes. I want to see light and color, I want the fabric of my life  rewoven. 

 I count on you folks who write and interact everyday to keep me seeing the crack of light I know is there. I am grateful to you all for being there and sharing your lives with me. I still don't cry, I haven't in years, not since Mikey died, which was four years ago yesterday. 

Thank you for listening, thank you for caring, thank you for your time.   

Images thanks to Google Search      


  1. Dear Jan, sometimes walking beside somebody is the most loving thing you can do. Just that knowledge that you are there, you love them, must be a constant blessing and reassurance to your children. It must be so painful to watch them suffer...but you sound like a loving mother, an involved mother but in the very best sense of the word...a LOVING mother.
    As for your own troubles and the rough patch you are going through, I am sorry. I pray you find peace and that you know there are many walking beside you too until you find your way through the darkness.
    God bless.

  2. Breathe Jan. You are approximating what you think is best for your family and it's okay not to be the Savior of everybody in this world.

    I'm glad that you know the roots of your emotions. Name it.

    Am here. My intuition's a bit strong and I'm glad I could sense it even from people who live far away. Am hugging you and wishing you peace.

    Positive thoughts now love :*

  3. Hi, I just found you on My Blogforum and I am your latest follower. I just wanted to tell you not to forget to take care of yourself, especially if times are difficult for your kids. Take care. Muriel

  4. I love you, Jan <3 You have my heart and prayers with you. I am proud you are taking the journey no matter how hard it seems. I am here if you need someone to listen. *huggles*

  5. You are an inspiration to have touched my life in ways no one else say the words I wish I cold I watch my own kids go down paths I know will hurt them ..i read you and I think maybe I'm not such a bad for your darkness you know I GET IT..and I am here listening and hugging you...As always...XOXOXOXOX

  6. @ Colleen, Thank you so much,for the words of encouragement and the prayers.

    @ Melissa, I appreciate so much your intuitiveness and the action you take on it.

    @ Muriel, Thank you for the follow, I am doing the best that I can to take care of me, I'm hoping I get better at it.

    @ Lisa, You are an inspiration to me with your consistency and your love. I love you too!<3

    @ Bonnie, Thank you Bonnie, I'm glad through the experience you have gotten some help. You are not a bad mother. My darkness always comes when things are out of control, something I have learned and hope to overcome.<3<3<3

  7. Jan,
    I learned long ago that control is an illusion and when I began to see life's obstacles as ways I could learn and grow, life became easier. I wish you inner peace and wholeness.
    ~cath xo

  8. Thank you Cath, someday, I will achieve this. Most of all I pray for peace for my children. They have so much to learn and a very rough road to travel.

  9. When I feel helpless in life all I know to do at times is run to my tried and true Serenity Prayer ~
    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.
    Living one day at a time;
    Enjoying one moment at a time;
    Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    Taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    Trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    That I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    Forever in the next.

  10. Thank you Debra, I needed that.<3