Thank You

I have an overwhelming amount of stuff going on right now...having a difficult time putting thoughts together. I read your blogs to stay grounded, to know what I'm dealing with is just a bump in the road. I don't have a romantic heartbreak to cope with, I am so grateful for that. My finances are screwed but not more than usual. I'm fairly healthy physically, could stand to loose a bunch of weight but other than that, I am doing well. Especially considering all the foolishness I've done to my body.

I get mired in the woes of my children, which are not small by any means, I help where I can, trying not to go over the boundaries I have set for myself. I watch them hurt and heal, lose all hope gain it back, I sometimes believe I am too involved. What changes my mind on that fact is when I get to share the blessed moments as well. Family is everything to me. I recognize that I cannot "fix" the problems they have made for themselves, but I can be there to hold them when they are looking for a direction. I would never tell them which way to go, that is not my job anymore. I can however show them some options without pulling them in the direction I would choose. For one thing they are all a lot like I am and would go the opposite way.

Lately it seems as if everyone is going through a bad patch, I have no answers, I myself have been swallowed in a darkness of my own. I can see the spiral down path some of them are on and yes it breaks my heart, there is still nothing I can do. I can not break the fall, I can not stop the spin. To stand by and watch is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I appreciate my mother and her love even more,  she watched the same in me. What she had to deal with was even deeper, she thought it was her fault. 

I know they will all come through this and be stronger, smarter and wiser for the trip. No one wants to hear that while they are in the midst of their suffering, so what do you say? I say, "Well, what can you do to change it?" or " One thing at a time." Or simply "I love you". There is not much else to say. 

Doing, the secret is in the doing , I can't fix what they or anyone else is feeling, I can do for them if it is going to help them help themselves. I wont do it for them, I can't, don't have the energy. I walk with them unless they choose a course I won't traverse, in that case I would tell them I have to leave. Sometimes I think being honest is the hardest, instead of the easiest way to be. When dealing with insanity and their reality has nothing to do with real life it is a challenge to get the truth to penetrate. If you are consistent in that truth and your own boundaries, it can be done. 

Back to me, aside from everything my children are going through, (I have 5, all adults), I myself have been in crisis as well. No one to talk too, no one to hear. The darkness sneaks in and takes me into a deep hole of despair.The echos of a past I can no longer deny, I have to explore the abuse, I have to feel it, I have to know that it is over, I have to know it was not my fault. I have to reconstruct my thought processes. I want to see light and color, I want the fabric of my life  rewoven. 

 I count on you folks who write and interact everyday to keep me seeing the crack of light I know is there. I am grateful to you all for being there and sharing your lives with me. I still don't cry, I haven't in years, not since Mikey died, which was four years ago yesterday. 

Thank you for listening, thank you for caring, thank you for your time.   

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