Interview of My Mama

I attempted to interview my mother about the breast cancer that had attacked her mother and 3 of her sisters. In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Week. As it turned out I found things out about my parents marriage that I am not sure I wanted to know. Except for the fact that it is helping my mother to heal and forgive herself, I would have been wanting to leave in the middle of it. It took me years to forgive my father for what he did to me and my sister, I had no idea how cruel he really was to my mom.

My sister and I

It started for her right after they got married. Dad had said he wanted children, as soon as the ring was on he said he never wanted any kids, Mom was devastated. Actually with today's enlightenment the signs were there before the marriage, Mom picked out the dishes she wanted and dad and his mother picked out and gave her the one set she said she didn't  like at all. His folks gave them a parcel of land and they were building a home on it, dad's mother was to help in the design, mom wanted to do it but was dismissed as if she were an idiot. It was designed so that the kitchen cupboards were so high that mom couldn't reach them. Mom is 5ft, gramma was 5'11". These were all subtle signs of the control my grandparents had over my father and ultimately my mother as well. Dad was scared of his parents. His childhood was not pretty.

My sister came along, dad was furious, even more furious that it might be a boy. Said if it was, the babe and mom could just leave, things disintegrated quickly from there. Dad would go to his folks after work, mom never knowing when he would be home, him demanding that dinner be warm and served when he got there. She was not allowed to call her family or see them not even on holidays. His rationale was that her mother had more kids, his didn't. (That may have been so, but mom only had one mother.)

Soon I came along and my grandparents were absolutely livid, my folks hadn't asked permission to have a second child. (Maybe that is why I got the abuse.) My father started to see what was going on, our family left the east coast, only to be followed by my grandparents a couple years later. They settled in southern California as Gramma did not like Oregon. The pressure was eased a bit because of the distance, they came up and stayed a few times a year, also went camping in the same places we did, several times a year. I was so protective of myself, concerned with hiding my own abuse, that I never saw what was happening to mom.

The Vanderhoofs

She was controlled her entire life, dad sexually abused her as well, taking what he wanted whenever he wanted. She was not allowed to wear anything except lipstick and could not have her hair done. Everything in their life was decided by him. He was the cruelest man imaginable when it came to words. My mother and I bonded when I was a teenager some, I stopped her from driving off of a cliff, by hopping in the car and telling her I was going with her. I couldn't be left alone with dad.

Grandma Jones

The Sisters

Mom couldn't be with any of her sisters when they were ill or even her mother,  we lived on opposite coasts. My grandmother Jones died of  Alzheimer's in 1983 at 87 years old, she was also suffering from bone cancer at the time and had both breast removed as a result of breast cancer. My Aunt Edith died in 1989 of cancer  at 66 , she had a tumor on her brain and her kidney, she had suffered from breast cancer a few years earlier. Aunt Mary died of Alzheimer's in 1998 at 76, she also had suffered with breast cancer previously. Aunt Louise is still with us at 92, she had uterine cancer in 1989. Mom's father had died shortly before her marriage to my father.

Me

I was young and very wrapped up in my own tragedies at this point, I had no idea of the silent suffering my mother was going through. Mom had learned to mask very well, she was so ridiculed for any show of emotions, that she was fearful of letting her grief show. My mother has spent a lifetime stuffing her emotions, it is heartbreaking to listen to her talk. When I think of all the crap and drama I put her through it makes me even more sad.

At 19 1/2 my older sister developed malignant black melanoma, was in the hospital for weeks, I couldn't see her because I was to young. She had a newborn baby at the time. I cared for her after her return home, her and the baby (who is now 41). Feeling the pain and grief I felt then I can't even fathom what my mom went through being so far away. My sister is still here but her life was changed forever and her innocence and youth were stolen. 6 mo. later she found out she was pregnant again and the cancer was starting to return, she had to have a medical abortion. They had not allowed her to have her tubes tied because she was so young with one child. She had an IUD, the baby started to develop around it. My sister has had to live with that abortion all her life, it was a direct result of doctors making poor choices for her. My mother was devastated at this, but again I had no idea of her turmoil.

When I was 25, after birthing 5 children and one miscarry  was diagnosed with, severe cervical  dysplasia , which is cancer. I elected to have my uterus removed and retain the Fallopian tubes. My mother volunteered to come to my home and care for me at this time my children were 10 and under. She stayed with me for 8 wks, to help care for my children. I had no idea AGAIN how scared she was. It has since been discovered that this type of cancer is often caused by early sexual activity, mom took the guilt on for this as well, she felt she had failed in protecting me from grampa. I have since helped her to release that, it was not her fault.

Mom and dad

Dad died 22 years ago mom has finally begun the process of healing from this life she led. I am grateful that I can be there to help her through it. I really only touched on his cruelty; mom would not approve of making the whole thing public, suffice it to say her abuse was severe.

All the Uncles, Aunts and my Folks

I believe this could be defined as a cancer cluster with so many family members being afflicted, mom actually left the area sooner than any family member when she joined the service. We will probably never know but I believe that there was something in their area that caused this.

One of the things I find so sad about this whole situation is that everyone thought mom was a grumpy old lady, she was very stern and didn't know how to verbalize her love, still doesn't really. Hugs were hard to come by, I realize now, after my own journey, that it was a protective mode, she was angry and fearful her entire married life, as well as very alone. I understand now.

LuLu Jones( my maternal grandmother) me and my sister.

Mom and I

My Mama, no sign of cancer; she is 86 years old, 87 in December.

                                         She had one spot of cancerous skin that was removed last year.