Lacking--------What?

I have come so far; the road I am on is the right one I'm sure of that. Why then, can I not find my joy, why do I have no inspiration for photos. Do photographers have periodic photo block? I am suddenly questioning my own moves at every turn.  Self-confidence in my abilities is waning, what is happening?
I am losing interest in most everything again. I have a severe lack of focus, can't follow a half hour sit- com. I feel as though I have ball bearings bouncing around in my head, they are on a contraption of perpetual motion. Imagine if you will, 30 or so of these in your head. That would be me.

I went out today, worked in the yard, a beautiful 70 degree October day, cleared up the front flower bed, have a bunch more to do, I did get started at last. Filled up the yard debris bin anyway. Later I had an errand to run, I actually went,  took my camera, walked a bike trail over the river I had never traversed before. I know why I hadn't, way to many people for me, makes it so I can't get in my head. I decided to stick it out, takes some shots, see what I got... I much needed the vitamin D, with this being Oregon in  fall, who knows how long it will be around.




There are some things on my mind, rest assured, I have yet to find that plateau of peace I look forward to. My reactions to the small irritations have gotten blown all out of proportion. I was using my camera today, apparently I hit something I shouldn't have, it is now on a setting I have never encountered. Instead of saying, okay check the manual when you get home, I almost tossed it off the bridge. I was stopped by a group of pedestrian traffic, no they didn't stop me, I just didn't want to draw attention to myself. Now of course the manual is not where I thought I left it, causing a very childish temper tantrum. Have you ever gone into a business and had them refuse to take cash? Yeah that happened too, I am still stunned. Said they didn't accept cash on Mondays...wanted to yell, cus and slam doors.

The recovery from the loss of my son is difficult, he calls my other son, I continue to refuse to talk to him, knowing I will be manipulated somehow if I do. The grief being exacerbated by the constant reminders of how it should have been, kind of like a divorce only much deeper. I keep thinking I am over it, then suddenly I am slapped in the face with some errant emotion. I feel selfish for being sad about his loss, so many have had so much worse. Watching my son attempt to kill himself slowly for 20 yrs, was much more difficult than what I am doing now.  Maybe not though, now I am imagining what he is doing, which is probably far worse than the truth.

On a lighter note maybe all the balls in my head, the lack of focus, the inability to take a decent picture, well maybe that is connected to having 6 extra people living with me that have no viable income, or structure in their lives. Ya think maybe that would be enough to set me sideways???
Then their is my husband who refuses to see a doctor, he is close to pneumonia, says "I can't afford to not work". I told him pneumonia was nothing to mess with, not taken care of it could kill you. He says;" a lot of things could kill me."  Argh, men. I ask him how he would feel if I were to quit taking my medications? He says to me;" you can't you would die." "Yes," I said, "and your point would be?"

 I am hopping around like a lost rabbit on here, which is pretty much how my mind is working.                                          

I still have flowers that are blooming, there is nothing sweeter than a baby's smile in the morning, which I get to see every day, the squirrels are running all over to hide their walnuts, with adorable antics teasing cats and blue jays.  I took in some sun and fresh air. The sky is full of migrating birds, noisy geese being the most noticeable. I saw tons of wildlife at the river today, many well mannered dogs and their very friendly owners. I have  my family and all of you dear friends, what can possibly be lacking, I propose that a proper mind set would fix this.

Through it all I have remained sober, coming up on 4 yrs next month.

Well that might be an answer, just went over this and saw how many I's I used, not good.

 Photos thanks to google search and jvnphotos