Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Lacking--------What?

I have come so far; the road I am on is the right one I'm sure of that. Why then, can I not find my joy, why do I have no inspiration for photos. Do photographers have periodic photo block? I am suddenly questioning my own moves at every turn.  Self-confidence in my abilities is waning, what is happening?
I am losing interest in most everything again. I have a severe lack of focus, can't follow a half hour sit- com. I feel as though I have ball bearings bouncing around in my head, they are on a contraption of perpetual motion. Imagine if you will, 30 or so of these in your head. That would be me.

I went out today, worked in the yard, a beautiful 70 degree October day, cleared up the front flower bed, have a bunch more to do, I did get started at last. Filled up the yard debris bin anyway. Later I had an errand to run, I actually went,  took my camera, walked a bike trail over the river I had never traversed before. I know why I hadn't, way to many people for me, makes it so I can't get in my head. I decided to stick it out, takes some shots, see what I got... I much needed the vitamin D, with this being Oregon in  fall, who knows how long it will be around.




There are some things on my mind, rest assured, I have yet to find that plateau of peace I look forward to. My reactions to the small irritations have gotten blown all out of proportion. I was using my camera today, apparently I hit something I shouldn't have, it is now on a setting I have never encountered. Instead of saying, okay check the manual when you get home, I almost tossed it off the bridge. I was stopped by a group of pedestrian traffic, no they didn't stop me, I just didn't want to draw attention to myself. Now of course the manual is not where I thought I left it, causing a very childish temper tantrum. Have you ever gone into a business and had them refuse to take cash? Yeah that happened too, I am still stunned. Said they didn't accept cash on Mondays...wanted to yell, cus and slam doors.

The recovery from the loss of my son is difficult, he calls my other son, I continue to refuse to talk to him, knowing I will be manipulated somehow if I do. The grief being exacerbated by the constant reminders of how it should have been, kind of like a divorce only much deeper. I keep thinking I am over it, then suddenly I am slapped in the face with some errant emotion. I feel selfish for being sad about his loss, so many have had so much worse. Watching my son attempt to kill himself slowly for 20 yrs, was much more difficult than what I am doing now.  Maybe not though, now I am imagining what he is doing, which is probably far worse than the truth.

On a lighter note maybe all the balls in my head, the lack of focus, the inability to take a decent picture, well maybe that is connected to having 6 extra people living with me that have no viable income, or structure in their lives. Ya think maybe that would be enough to set me sideways???
Then their is my husband who refuses to see a doctor, he is close to pneumonia, says "I can't afford to not work". I told him pneumonia was nothing to mess with, not taken care of it could kill you. He says;" a lot of things could kill me."  Argh, men. I ask him how he would feel if I were to quit taking my medications? He says to me;" you can't you would die." "Yes," I said, "and your point would be?"

 I am hopping around like a lost rabbit on here, which is pretty much how my mind is working.                                          

I still have flowers that are blooming, there is nothing sweeter than a baby's smile in the morning, which I get to see every day, the squirrels are running all over to hide their walnuts, with adorable antics teasing cats and blue jays.  I took in some sun and fresh air. The sky is full of migrating birds, noisy geese being the most noticeable. I saw tons of wildlife at the river today, many well mannered dogs and their very friendly owners. I have  my family and all of you dear friends, what can possibly be lacking, I propose that a proper mind set would fix this.

Through it all I have remained sober, coming up on 4 yrs next month.



Well that might be an answer, just went over this and saw how many I's I used, not good.


 Photos thanks to google search and jvnphotos 

32 comments:

  1. Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.As time goes by, life has a way of rearranging itself. People enter your life, and inevitably, they leave as well. Things have a tendency to happen that can turn your world upside down. You’ll come to realize eventually, that even though things are different, you are as well.Take care..love u lots.

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  2. Oh, my heart goes out to you! whenever I read your write-up I deliberately linger my gaze more on your photos so as not to have tears in my eyes.I am too small a person to say anything other than I love you.
    -PORTIA

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  3. Jan - This too shall pass...we all go through down times and you have more cause than many to do that...I see that your post already ended on a hopeful note...And the beauty of it all that you've got a lot to celebrate being sober for so long! You're a champ, Jan. Love ya!

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  4. Jan..I can't imagine what you must be experiencing..in terms of emotion, when it comes to the situation with your son. Please don't feel guilty though! You are entitled to your feelings...and it only does you benefit in the long run to confront them and be able to express them. ::hugs::

    You seem to have a lot of contained chaos over where you are right now ;) I know how that can be...May God provide you with clarity, moments of peace and solace..and may the creative inspiration within you rise out and take form through your photography. You have a gift..and we all get blocks sometimes...

    ~blessings and love

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  5. As Portia says I am also too small a person to comment. But hang in there, you are doing good...go with the flow, feel the things you want to feel and let it go.

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  6. I love your honesty and forthright thought about your feelings and what you are experiencing. It takes courage and strength to see and accept things as they truly are.
    Jan, you are a champion!
    Blessings!

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  7. Mentally you are a strong person and you do have loving people around you which helps. Mentally strong? Yes, you are! To come through what you've come through and be able to write about it and share it with others is remarkable.

    I cannot begin to understand what your life has been like, especially with your son. My Mom could, her son, my brother is estranged from her by his own choice. He made alot of wrong choices in his younger years, but straightened up. It is sad it has happened, but my Mom is mentally strong.
    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for you to have peace in your heart and mind.

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  8. Hi, Jan! --

    Hopefully, it helps to write it all out like this. I noticed, as Corinne mentioned, that even your post wound up to a more hopeful spirit by the end.

    I'm assuming you have a helpful therapist or counselor at this time in your life. Mine is invaluable!

    Holding you in my heart as you work it all out!

    xoxoxL2

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  9. Jan i'll hang in there with you and you with me..don't minimize grief..it is wicked evil and appears when all seems settled...people in your house added stress..give your self a big pat on the back 4 years sober..CONGRATULATIONS.....As always...XOXOXOOX

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  10. Jan.. it is not easy and like many others here your writing will ease the mixed emotions... and clarity and calm will emerge...One step at a time... remember that when we walk we can carry one foot at a time!

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  11. Alpana, thank you so much, Your words of encouragement mean the world to me. <3<3<3 Jan

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  12. Portia, thank you for your kind words. I never intend to make you cry, I am sharing my journey, I would love others to be able to learn as I go as well. You are very special not small at all, I love you too!<3<3<3 Jan

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  13. Corrinne, dear lady, what would I do with out you all. I know this too shall pass but in the meantime I am a raving idiot. Thank you for your words of wisdom and love. <3<3<3 Jan

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  14. Jessica, Thank you so much for your love and words, I am truly blessed. I am working hard to come through this without further damage. I wont give up photography, just not so hot at it right now.<3<3<3 Jan

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  15. Janu, neither are you small, thank you for your words of support, it is truly appreciated. <3<3<3 Jan

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  16. Martha, I truly don't know how else to be, skirting the issue or fabricating band aids is not going to fix anything. Thank you for your kind words. <3<3<3 Jan

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  17. Lily, It has been a long and windy road, the journey is getting smoother now, thanks in part to the support I find here. I have to share, what would be the point in learning if not shared. thank you so much for your support. <3<3<3

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  18. DL, No I don not have a therapist or councilor, what I have is a mother, daughter and husband. Let's not forget all of you. Thank you for the love and support.Thank you.<3<3<3 Jan

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  19. Bonnie, what can I say, of course I'll hang in with you. My path is getting clearer as is yours as we travel together. Grief is something I have never allowed myself to feel before so I am getting slapped in the face with it. I will get through it. Thank you and I love you, where would I be if we hadn't met. Thank you for that and the congrats. <3<3<3 Jan

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  20. Savira, thank you so much for your kindness, I will survive and thrive. <3<3<3 Jan

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  21. This too shall pass, dear Jan. Nothing lasts forever.

    Joy always,
    Susan

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  22. Looks like you have a handful Jan. I know the feeling but despite it all you are fighting to remain positive and that is good. You have gone through so much and yet you have come out so positive. Photography is your passion but sometimes even that doesnt work. I have been off blogs for so long, dont know how I will get back but we all have friends who help us pull through. This too shall pass but it wont be easy so hang in there Jan. Praying for you.

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  23. Your talents will alwys be there. Through writing this post, you are taking the steps that are necessary. You are starting to go inside, and refocus yourself. Your courage and strength shines through, and i have no doubt you will once again, soon, find the beauty looking back at you through your lens

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  24. Rimly, Thank you, I am so glad you are here. Welcome. I got frightened when I couldn't anything to shoot. I know it is a temporary thing, but it is hard. <3<3<3

    Larry; Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I am getting there I think. One thing I have changed is,<3<3<3 I don't bury the feelings anymore, I feel them, then get through them.

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  25. Ok let me try and make a good comment when I have been m.i.a for so long.

    The first thing I want to touch on is the last thing you said, "just went over this and saw how many I's I used, not good." Why is it not a good thing to think of yourself before others? I think the reason you are stressed is because you believe that you aren't being the giver you usually are if you are thinking about yourself. I know this all to well in my own life.
    Somehow people make you believe you are the selfish one when you take time to focus on yourself like they have done their whole lives. Manipulative bastards!

    I am sorry to hear you are estranged from your son, I am sure it hurts like Hell. I could never be estranged from any family member even ones who tried to force me out. I am too caring, too nice, and an idiot to believe that family means love and is a safe place. Despite what your son may think, you have to think of you and your needs... I am assuming he is grown.

    30 metal balls bouncing and clanking in your head? Yes, I know it all too well. Isn't it funny how the more quiet it gets around you the more the balls clink around? My balls are colored and every once in awhile I forget only I can see them and I yell out..."oooo there goes the pretty metallic pink ball....preeeeetty!!!"

    Jan, it's ok to say I and it's downright important to say I a lot. Everyone does it and the only ones who feel guilty about it are the ones who give way too much of themselves to everyone else with nothing to show for it.

    Hang in there, color your balls and occasionally yell out "preeetty balls!" You will feel so much better, I promise. xoxo

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  26. It really is like a kind of divorce you are going through as well as a mourning process for the loss of relationship. It will pass and it is perfectly normal to have good days and bad. Congrats on the 4 years of sobriety - this just proves what a strong woman you are. Hang in there!

    Hugs,
    Marie

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  27. Jan, it sounds like you really need to come up for air! You sound overwhelmed with your surroundings and the people who surround you. Every once in awhile we just have to say 'stop' and take a break from life. Find your peaceful place and get some 'me' time.

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  28. Jen; Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and love. It is nice to know I am not the only one that has balls in my head. I'm thinking bright blue maybe...My son is lost to me, it is a painful loss, my friends here help with that.<3<3<3

    NCB; Thank you, <3

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  29. Mary you are right of course,I will get back to me soon enough I am sure. I went from one extreme to the other it seems, to much time on my hands to none for me, a in a matter of days. <3<3<3

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  30. Jan, I liked your pictures and am happy for your success in overcoming the problems. Me-time is not selfish, it heals. Be proud of your self-control for going through it all and not giving in and staying sober. Best of luck.

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  31. Thank you Sulekka...roads are often bumpy.

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  32. Congrats on your sobriety! That's a huge accomplishment. And remember it's small steps every day. Just take small steps and try to step over the crap, somedays it will be inevitable you step right in it. Wash it of and keep on stepping, eventually you'll get to your destination.

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