Muddling through Life

As I muddle through this mess I call a life, I have discovered that everything I have gone through has been for a reason. Rather I am making use of the things I have learned. Which is odd to me considering that people tried to help me and basically I told them to go jump in a lake. I am stubborn to put it mildly, I figured if it was gonna get done, I would do it on my own and it would be my way.

Then came along a few of you bloggers, gently telling me that you are a mess and it is your own fault. Excuse me? This junk all happened TO ME, I didn't do it....yadayadayada. I have since determined with the nudges of people who care, my family, and you, that indeed it was I who allowed it to be done and I who continued to feed the beast.

I am not talking about the sexual abuse I received as a child; that was clearly not anything I did. I am talking of the continuing cycle of abuse that I have lived. Yes; I did that, no one could help me see, until I saw. I didn't want to be miserable any longer, I kept asking for help, not following advice, falling for the same bullshit over and over. Until one day I made a conscious decision to change my life, not be miserable, to be happy.

This has not been easy; at times I could just turn around, go back to the way it was, but alas I am no longer naive, I cannot just blind myself to the pitfalls of my impulsive behavior.  I was tired of hurting, I was tired of being lonely, I was tired of shame. I was just tired. I am still tired, it is so different now. I am tired in joy, happiness, love and security. To be sure I still have "issues" that I am working on, thankfully I will continue to grow and change.


Yes I am angry right now, I am angry at myself, I am angry with my son, most of all I am angry that no matter what I do I am helpless in this. I am strong enough now to not let the whole situation take me down; at the same time I am angry.

I write because I need to heal, I have a deep desire to help others with what I have learned, I know that I can't "shove it down the throat" of anyone, I also know that I won't be heard until they are willing to hear. If one person gets to learn something from me making my journey  public, I will be successful in life. I already consider myself successful in many ways, something I wouldn't have been able to say with sincerity just a few short years ago.

I don't like people spouting success stories, so often they are false or waiting for a fall. Like a weight loss guru, or a body builder, so many times one habit has been traded for another. Which on the surface is fine, at least the new habit is more positive. Yet if the base of the problem has not been dealt with, the new habit can become negative as well, or slipping back to the old one becomes inevitable.  Either way the old garbage and old tapes you have in your head have to be combed through, gone over, disposed of in one way or another. This usually means  learning to forgive, forgiving yourself for bad decisions, bad behavior, whatever the case may be. Forgiving the perpetrator for any pain, no matter how severe, brought upon you. Not an easy task for sure. Accepting your responsibilities in any thing that has "happened to you". This has been difficult for me. Once I did though I was able to change the dynamics between myself and my son to protect myself and others from his behavior. 

Remember that forgiveness is not forgetting, not by a long shot. Forgiveness lets you go on with your life and releases you from the control that is held over you by your abuser. It does not mean you must let this person in your life no, no, no. What it means is that you are stronger, smarter, more confident, and better equipped to deal with any chance encounters. Think of it no more anxiety attacks when you see a car like his going down the road.  I can say this from experience because when I finally forgave Kenny's father, I felt so free, no more fear. I can see him to deal with my son and his antics, without any major anxiety, which means he can no longer manipulate me. Funny thing he knows this and doesn't try.

I have spent most of my life in fear, fear of losing the love of my children, my mama, my sister any man I had in my life. I wont do this anymore. I hope that you don't either, if you love your self everything will fall into place.

We are all worthy to be loved. If you aren't loved by the one your with, well they are not worthy of your love. They don't love you if they belittle you, hit you, rape you, or hurt you in any way, that is not love it is control. You are the powerful one, you love yourself, be confident and let them go.   


photos thanks to google search.