Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Muddling through Life

As I muddle through this mess I call a life, I have discovered that everything I have gone through has been for a reason. Rather I am making use of the things I have learned. Which is odd to me considering that people tried to help me and basically I told them to go jump in a lake. I am stubborn to put it mildly, I figured if it was gonna get done, I would do it on my own and it would be my way.

Then came along a few of you bloggers, gently telling me that you are a mess and it is your own fault. Excuse me? This junk all happened TO ME, I didn't do it....yadayadayada. I have since determined with the nudges of people who care, my family, and you, that indeed it was I who allowed it to be done and I who continued to feed the beast.

I am not talking about the sexual abuse I received as a child; that was clearly not anything I did. I am talking of the continuing cycle of abuse that I have lived. Yes; I did that, no one could help me see, until I saw. I didn't want to be miserable any longer, I kept asking for help, not following advice, falling for the same bullshit over and over. Until one day I made a conscious decision to change my life, not be miserable, to be happy.

This has not been easy; at times I could just turn around, go back to the way it was, but alas I am no longer naive, I cannot just blind myself to the pitfalls of my impulsive behavior.  I was tired of hurting, I was tired of being lonely, I was tired of shame. I was just tired. I am still tired, it is so different now. I am tired in joy, happiness, love and security. To be sure I still have "issues" that I am working on, thankfully I will continue to grow and change.

Yes I am angry right now, I am angry at myself, I am angry with my son, most of all I am angry that no matter what I do I am helpless in this. I am strong enough now to not let the whole situation take me down; at the same time I am angry.

I write because I need to heal, I have a deep desire to help others with what I have learned, I know that I can't "shove it down the throat" of anyone, I also know that I won't be heard until they are willing to hear. If one person gets to learn something from me making my journey  public, I will be successful in life. I already consider myself successful in many ways, something I wouldn't have been able to say with sincerity just a few short years ago.

I don't like people spouting success stories, so often they are false or waiting for a fall. Like a weight loss guru, or a body builder, so many times one habit has been traded for another. Which on the surface is fine, at least the new habit is more positive. Yet if the base of the problem has not been dealt with, the new habit can become negative as well, or slipping back to the old one becomes inevitable.  Either way the old garbage and old tapes you have in your head have to be combed through, gone over, disposed of in one way or another. This usually means  learning to forgive, forgiving yourself for bad decisions, bad behavior, whatever the case may be. Forgiving the perpetrator for any pain, no matter how severe, brought upon you. Not an easy task for sure. Accepting your responsibilities in any thing that has "happened to you". This has been difficult for me. Once I did though I was able to change the dynamics between myself and my son to protect myself and others from his behavior. 

Remember that forgiveness is not forgetting, not by a long shot. Forgiveness lets you go on with your life and releases you from the control that is held over you by your abuser. It does not mean you must let this person in your life no, no, no. What it means is that you are stronger, smarter, more confident, and better equipped to deal with any chance encounters. Think of it no more anxiety attacks when you see a car like his going down the road.  I can say this from experience because when I finally forgave Kenny's father, I felt so free, no more fear. I can see him to deal with my son and his antics, without any major anxiety, which means he can no longer manipulate me. Funny thing he knows this and doesn't try.

I have spent most of my life in fear, fear of losing the love of my children, my mama, my sister any man I had in my life. I wont do this anymore. I hope that you don't either, if you love your self everything will fall into place.

We are all worthy to be loved. If you aren't loved by the one your with, well they are not worthy of your love. They don't love you if they belittle you, hit you, rape you, or hurt you in any way, that is not love it is control. You are the powerful one, you love yourself, be confident and let them go.   

photos thanks to google search.


  1. Great post Jan...raw and honest...I believe that when you have had these kind of experiences, understand the choices you made, change your own patterns and choose for yourself, no matter what anyone says and then start on that journey to wholeness, you leave all the "baggage" behind. There is no going back, because now you "Know"...this is empoowerment. And the abusers "Know you Know"..so they no longer hold the Power.Can you slip into some of those old patterns, absolutley, but this time you recognize it and Choose differntly....you now "Know" what to do...and the good news is...you start to attract other " Whole" people into your life...love the photo of the Kitten and the Lion...and the way you wove the pictues into your story...very powerful...

  2. Thank you so much Ravenmyth. I keep working at it and I keep realizing how much I have changed. It is really kind of weird but in a good kind of way. I appreciate your support.

  3. Jan... truly a wonderful post. You have said it all. I have nothing more to add except this that we draw strength and inspiration from each other. I agree with you that sometimes we need to put our feelings on paper/computer and share it with our blogging friends , whom we don't know on a personal level and so they do not judge us.

    Lots of love and hugs...hope you work with your anger and come out off it as you have with other things.

  4. Great post and so true!

  5. Great post Jan and befitting to all who have issues with themselves as I do too.


  6. You should en angry and shout. Let it out... No one is perfect and perfection is not the journey. You know what where and how and it is but natural to fall... how else do we learn.
    Your honesty is encouraging...As long as in your heart you know what counts then your actions will reflect it....

  7. I have so much to learn from you!

  8. @ Janu, Thank you. I have no doubt that I will swing back and forth a bit before I settle, but I have seen the other side,I wont be able to live on the dark side for any length of time.

    @ Bee, Thank you. <3
    @ A, Thank you, you are amazing.
    @ Savira, thank you for your support and encouragement.
    @ Portia, thank you, I hope I can help.

  9. Jan, just like you I don't like to be lectured. You have had quite a journey and you have made it through. You should be proud of yourself. Take it easy on you. Personally, I try to progress one step at a time (baby steps obviously). All the best.

  10. Thank you, Yes it is baby steps for me. If I keep going one foot in front of the other I will make
    it to where I need to be.

  11. You wrote this very powerful statement:

    ...I also know that I won't be heard until they are willing to hear."

    I think we've all had the unpleasant experience of people proselytizing, telling us what we "should" feel or think or do. This never benefits anyone, and quite often exacerbates the original issue by stirring up frustration and aggression. As though there weren't already enough of those two emotions in the mix!

    Instead, I prefer to live my life in the best manner I am able, and if someone comes to me with questions, then the discussion can begin in a positive manner. Until both sides are ready to both ask, and to LISTEN, better to just keep walking in our own moment of sunlight. Timing is everything, yes?

    Lovely post, Jan. I enjoyed visiting. :)