Friday, July 9, 2010
My life began in chaos, I was caught in the collapse. I had no conception of what was happening, I just felt the pain. I spent my life in pursuit of what I thought would stop the suffering for myself and everyone I came in contact with. Instead I created my own kind of chaos and left a trail of broken and damaged lives. In coming to terms with my own hurt and resentments I was able to see all of the misery I created. In recent months I have been able to heal some of this with the people I'm closest too and some I haven't seen in years. The obsession I had with helping others and even my family: in reality was more selfish than I could have ever imagined at the time. I have made contact with an old friend who I was very close to 35 yrs ago and discovered he still felt the heartbreak of me all these years later. Oh, he has gone on with his life, still the bruise I left was still there. I had no knowledge of how I had continued the cycle. I can only; at this point in time; look at my past relationships or rather my part in them with disdain. I realized, any love I had, was doomed from the start. I would do all I could to sabotage it, then make it seem as if the other had. Wallowing in my own sorrows and blaming them. I knew a lot of good and gentle men in my life, but I always had a bad boy in waiting , I guess for when I got bored. How could anyone treat me well? I didn't deserve that, I deserved to be kicked, stomped on, punched and most of all betrayed. Physically and emotionally, didn't I? I would do almost anything in the world for the ones I loved, except... accept that they loved me. This included EVERYONE in my life. I have always been afraid, afraid of withdrawal of love. It took me 53 yrs to decide that I was NOT a bad person, just damaged. The man I love with a devotion I have never felt before has taught me so much. I thought, I was tolerant, I had know idea what real tolerance was. This man has never doubted my love even when I deserved it, he has been a good friend. He is the first person, no the only person that has ever come to my defense when he saw danger lurking near. We all need protection from predators when we don't see them . I didn't realize until yesterday that I NEVER had some one in my life to do that. Not my parents, my friends, no one. As a result I thought I was on my own and should be able to do it alone and should not need anyone. I also believed I was not worth protecting. I honestly believed I was a good parent in all my frailties. I could not have been more wrong. I damaged my children severely, some of them beyond repair. The only thing I can say about that is I tried and failed once more. I have not succeeded in much in my life until now. The techniques I developed for defense were completely irrational, but seemed right at the time. Hurting men before they got a chance to hurt me was a common one. I wanted to be loved and loved completely, but who could love some one like me. I was after all unlovable. I started having sex with every male that entered my life, thinking I was in love, if they were ill enough themselves, they did too! The legacy I was given should have been only mine, I did not have the right to put pain on others. I have forgiven my self for who I was and celebrate who I am now. Sometimes though, when I am confronted with damage I caused however unwittingly, it does create a day of introspection on how to cope and how much to reveal to the person I hurt. Trust is still an issue.