Saturday, January 8, 2011

dreary

Christmas this year was a bust. To many traumas and memories. The sadness has been overwhelming. Tragedies in nearly every branch of the family, making it difficult to put on a happy face. As is my usual defense, I put it on anyway, went through the motions, I am blessed to have what I have. Now that the hubbub is over , everyone is calming down, adjusting to their new lives, I am a mess. Near tears always and can't seem to find a smidgen of happiness.
I have pain, emotional and physical, feel guilty for it , my life is so much better than so many others. The nightmares , dark and sinister nightmares; at times I don't want to wake up, then I don't want to sleep. I have tried to deal with all my fears, confronting myself with reality and not imagined or exaggerated emotions.
The abuse I suffered at the hand of another seems to raise up and slap me in the face. Laughing as I cry out , the pain, the dark, the misery, leave me alone. Vulnerable and weak is how I am left feeling.
I am in the process of doing things to change; diet, exercise, doing for others. I know the key is in the doing. I have forgiven a lot in my life, part of the work I do. Seems as though I have to forgive myself over and over again. I am not good at meditation; anxieties running through my brain , like a Nascar on a track, round and round at hyper speed. Prayer I accomplish sometimes as long as it does not feel like I am asking to much.
I am envious of those who can write or use other arts as a release of their pain and anger, which in and of itself creates more anxiety for me. I'm on medication, haven't had a drink in 3 years and here I sit, feeling like I am slipping down the hill I am climbing.

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