Monday, January 24, 2011

Kenny: Insanity

When I had my children I knew my job was to protect them in any way that I could; from hurting themselves; each other and from the evil elements of the world at large. I had no knowledge of the things that I truly needed  to protect them from however. Mental illness. I didn't realize how damaged I was or the people that I put in their lives. I knew that I had pain, thought everyone did. I knew I drank to much, didn't know the damage I was doing. I loved my children and still do, want nothing but the best for them and for them to be successful in whatever they choose to do. My youngest child was born 5 yrs after the youngest of my older four, he was from a different father. His father was even more ill than I. Kenny hit me the first time out of anger when he was 18 mo. old. I got a fat lip. I hate to admit to this , but from that day forward I was afraid of him. Loved him, tried to protect him. As he grew older we went to counseling, as a family, he alone, I alone, it didn't help. He was taught how to call 911 and how to blame others for his choices. I was taught to submit to his whims, "he is  a child", my other children were left to suffer the consequences of his behavior. He was violent, incredibly violent; at 7 years old he took a full glass pop bottle to his sister knees, his reason? She had received  honors for her performance in softball. He refused to go to school and quit by 10. I couldn't force him to go, carried him a time or two in his pajamas. He wouldn't do any school work and adamantly denied  any authoritative figure. no one could boss him. He was arrested the first time at 10 for stealing a gun from my best friend and selling it, and for an assault on me. Finally I thought he will get the help he needs. Wrong. Once again I was to blame for his behavior. His father lied and lied; I realize now of course that his father was as ill as he. Things went from bad to worse with him, several assault charges, prison time, drug addiction alcoholism. I finally at 27 closed a door on him. The hardest thing I have ever done.

Mental illness is the issue with my son. He and I both cried for help in so many ways for each other and for ourselves. I was left to manage this child on my own  having no mental health education what so ever, he had to try to cope with his demons alone. My heart breaks for him everyday and as much as I try; I never manage to remove myself from the guilt I feel. He has several different disorders; some of which are only now being recognized as legitimate. He and I have a different relationship than I have with any of my other children. I know his lies, manipulations, and most of his other games; I also know that most of it is beyond his control. I have seen him genuinely try to change the behaviors, I have seen the demons arise and take him back. I know his heart, his heart is soft and gentle with the constant fear of being ripped out. I have a lot in common with him. Our insanity is one of the things we were able to share; as I received the help I needed and started to heal, I left him behind...His greatest fear. Because he has no money, neither do I, he can not get the correct help. He wants it now, he can feel himself dying he is 28 years old. My heart is breaking for him once more.

3 comments:

  1. THANK YOU sooooo very much for sharing this...I am crying for you..feeling sadness with you...I so get this....so many need help and can't get it because of money... and that's so sad because it shouldn't be that way.. but there are people out there that love what they do and do it for nothing.. I found one called Z..keep looking don't give up....and my prayers are with you and your son....As always XOXOXOXO

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  2. As a note to this: Kenny and I have a connection; i had been thinking about him all day. I get a phone call tonight to pick him up at the hospital please. He once again had gotten drunk and beat the crap out of a wall instead of a person and busted his hand all to hell. I went and gave him a ride, he is safe for one more night, but I can't bring him here to my home we feed on one an-others illness. Thanks for hearring me and I will never give up, get stretched sometimes tho.

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  3. My God...I so wish he could get the help he needs....I hate when I see pain when there doesn't have to be..i am glad he is safe .....I hear you.. I see you.. I am here ..and I GET IT...As always...XOXOXO

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