Thursday, January 27, 2011

Mama again

I spent quite a bit of time with my mother today. She is quite a woman. Loves with the innocence of a child angers the same way. I love her. Embarrassing as it is I have to admit that I had no clue haw much she meant to me until the last year, after I quit my job. What I have since realized is that she never left my side. I went through hell in my childhood and for most of my adult years,every time I called she was there.

I had believed I was alone in my fear and abuse, Mom was there, she couldn't protect me from the monsters who were family, at that time divorce was impossible. When I brought it out she believed me, no one else did. We didn't talk about it but she was starting to understand my "acting out". My father was abusive to her in unspeakable ways, she never left him out of fear we girls would be left with he, the tyrant.

I went to her at 15 when I had a yeast infection, she knew then I was sexually active. We still don't know if it was my behavior or my grandfather that caused the infections. She still didn't talk about it but she was there. Our town was small, not much to do. The kids would "cruise the gut", a half to 3/4 mile stretch that went through town. I had a father imposed curfew, to circumvent that Mom took me cruising. we'd park at Pacific Center and I would run around to the different cars and sneak  a hit on a joint, a sip of beer or a drag off a cigarette. I don't know if she knew what I was doing, she didn't drink or smoke , I'm pretty positive she did.

When I got pregnant she did everything she could to protect me from my father. He had given my sister the choice of getting married, put it up for adoption or never see your mother again ( mind you her pregnancy was the result of date rape.). I was scared to death. Mom made arrangements, I got married, in my father's house and I moved out. I was 16.

A few years later I had 4 kids and an abusive husband. Once again she was there. By this time I had become a drunk, Mom knew nothing about alcoholism, neither did I. I left in the middle of the night after one last beating that endangered my children, left through a chain of safety houses to my sisters home miles away.  Mom and Dad were there when I finally arrived a week later.

A short time later my "husband" tried to manipulate me back to him, I was so scared I almost went. Mom screamed at me that I could go back if I wanted too, but she would see to it that the kids never saw him again and if I was with him, I never would. Scared the shit out of me and I didn't go back. I love her for that.

We went on and on like this for another 15 20 years. taking road trips together, sharing lunches. Driving 30 miles just to get ice cream. all the while she was listening and quietly helping. Never asking for anything just helping in her stilted way with the unconditional love of a mother. I could go on for pages and pages with all the instances that she helped me back up from the flames of hell.

For the last year I have been taking her to Drs. and cleaning her house changing her bed and going to McDonald's with her. She is broke, thank goodness has good insurance, has many illnesses. One of them is no longer loneliness, I am so grateful to have her in my life and I am so glad she wants me in hers.

I will write more about Mama, it is a good topic.

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