Sunday, January 30, 2011

CDC part two

When I started this survey I was told it would take about 25 min., It ended up being closer 3 hrs. done in 2 sittings. it was one of the hardest things I have done and it has left me raw. The questions I was asked brought up so many old feelings, things I had put behind me, or so I thought. When I felt the fear in just speaking about it I realized I still have a lot of work.  I never truly did the work for healing, I was drunk, how could I?  Pain from this never diminishes, every memory brought out hurts. Doesn't get better as the years progress, scabs over a bit, is peeled open and left to bleed.

I think the hardest emotion to cope with is the guilt. Guilt and shame. I feel completely responsible for the abuse my partners inflicted, I was drunk, I allowed it. I allowed it to damage my children. One of my therapists told me guilt was a useless emotion, I felt guilty for feeling guilty, I drank more. I put myself in dangerous situations, my children as well.

I try in my sobriety to not be crazy, at times it seems insurmountable. This survey reminded me of all the rotten things done to me over my lifetime, things I had forgotten. I'm not sure if it was bad or good or if I will get through it healthier or more insane. I can not afford a therapist right now. I talk to Mama about it a lot, then I feel bad because she feels so much guilt. I find myself in a circle. I have worked hard on forgiveness for myself and for the abusers.  We will see how this goes.

  Remembering  being forced to put his penis in my mouth and having it shoved down my throat as I nearly smothered, remembering the smell and the words, remembering I only stood to his waist, that was terrifying.  Maybe if it had only been once........

My blessings are many and I thank the universe that I have the people I do to support and love me. Be it not for them  I would be over the edge right now.

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