Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Phone call: CDC

I received a call tonight from the CDC; (Center for Disease Control), I was kinda knocked sideways a bit. The survey was about abuse, it was legit, it asks all kinds of questions personal and detailed about things you have or haven't been through. It was horrifying to me when I kept saying yes and how many times it happened. I ended up having to do two sitting to complete it, I'll do the rest on Friday. I got raw and emotional , yet I wanted to be able to help others in some small way, I will continue.

 I have many disorders, all starting when I was very young. I was sexually abused from birth until thirteen by my grandfather, verbally abused and emotionally abused by my father, abandoned ,so I thought by my mother. I hit adolescence and went wild. Stopping the sexual abuse causing much turmoil in my family. I don't know that dad ever did believe me.

I have been diagnosed with:  borderline manic-depression, anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and alcoholism I suffer from issues with abandonment as well.   My first councilor was an older woman whom I adored, then she retired I was 15 and considered this another abandonment. The next one was a fella, well I had nothing but fear for men. I was telling him of my battles with my peers doing drugs, acid was big then, what I remember him saying is if I hadn't tried the drugs how could I judge that they were bad.  I quit with him immediately. Dad didn't believe in doctors or therapists so I was not encouraged to continue. Mom was afraid of dad so would not go against him. Again abandonment.

I went from bad to worse, bouncing from boy to boy trying to find ....something. I had 4 children by 21 and was married to a very abusive man. What else. We were drunk together and kids, so as an adult I don't blame him or regret, I wouldn't have my children if not for him.

It was many years before I went for help again and a lot of pain later. I always just wanted the pain to stop; I still do.

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