Friday, January 21, 2011

Cuts.

Today has been a day that does not bear repeating. I have discovered that I have few if any coping skills with which to overcome this latest batch of life. I'm tired, I'm scared, I am angry. The ability to cry has always been elusive for me, the darkest pain elicits watery eyes and a lump in my throat. The last time I can remember truly crying was 3 yrs ago when Mikey died. Hysteria took over once more, I am so fearful of losing my mind that I can not let tears escape. I must appear heartless to the people around me, cold and cynical.  I feel as though all the doors I thought I had options to pass through have suddenly been slammed and locked.
 A different reality feels more like a different plane of  reality.  Where do I go from here? Fear is a powerful emotion, my life is one fearful reality after another.  It is easy to ignore the fear I live with....as long as I'm doing. Right now I don't know what to do.
I can't take much more , the walls are growing, they are soundproof now. No one can hear the screams, the fists pounding , the glass breaking or is that my mind? Blood, bleeding the cuts , the cuts the cuts.

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