Monday, February 28, 2011
Kenny to be released.
I am running around these last few days with a gnat flying around my head, by the name of Kenny. He will be released from jail on Wednesday. I am glad for him and stressed for him too, when he is out on the street, he seems not to have the capability to stay clean and sober. So this last week as I helped my mother, as I folded clothes at my daughter's and as I went traversing around to take my pictures I had Kenny on my mind. I realize this is me and not him, I am the one that has control of my own mind. When it comes to my children I rather think that is a fallacy. I am always trying to think how I can help each and everyone of them, which one needs my time the most, what is a priority, how in the world do I do this right? It is a dilemma I have felt all their lives. I get angry at the way they are treated and I get angry at the way they treat themselves, I rejoice when they are happy and cry when they are sad. Maybe I am too involved, I don't know, but here I am. I feel inept when trying to help Rebecca, it is so hard to know what they as a family need or want from me, the obvious stuff is easy, the deeper things are not. Kenny on the other hand I have no idea what to do. He fell through the cracks as a child and now he seems to have learned how to leap down them. Am I doing right, am I doing wrong? I just don't know. He has asked to spend the night the day he gets out, I am inclined to say yes, because I know he will be sober, who knows when that will happen again. Then I want to say no because given an inch he will attempt to take a mile, I have other pressing obligations and responsibilities that help me to say no after that first day, but is the battle worth it. I am tired, yet I can't just give up. I have no idea what frame of mind he will be in when he is released, angry, bitter, joyful, melancholy, defeated or determined to succeed. I have seen him wear them all. I watch Mr Sheen on T.V., with all the opportunity he has for help, he is still under the delusion that if you can't kick it, (addiction), you are weak. I wish you luck Mr. Sheen, you are in trouble as deep as my son, with more money for self-destruction.
Kenny has had numerous therapists, been in many programs, has always had the support of his family, never recognized God or any Higher Power, he'll give it lip service for a bit as long as it serves his purpose. As far as the therapists go he never told one of them the truth so they could not help. What do I do?
For now what I am doing is cleaning my house and re-arranging furniture, that's what I do when I am addled.