It has been a very long and complicated week. Kenny is out of jail, promises of sobriety blown away; less than 6 hrs. later. he talks so well, I believe he truly wants a different life, he is not ready yet. No matter how much I am ready for a change in him, it is not going to matter unless and until he is ready to accept the help he needs. It hurts so badly to watch your child self- destruct. I cry a lot, well no tears, just an over-whelming sadness that I have seemingly learned to live with.
I spent a day with my Mama enjoying her company and listening to her talk. I have realized how lonely and sad she is too! She is sad because she thinks she has no means to help anyone any more. She has always been incredibly independent, was always there for us all. Now she feels helpless and useless. I try to impress upon her, how much my time with her means to me and how much it helps me. She can always make me smile and giggle. We do have a good time together. Mama is dealing with discoveries , about herself and people she loves or has loved. Seeing resentments she has never seen before, that were always there, seeing the price of some of the help she has recieved, worst of all she has know idea how to communicate these feelings to anyone. I listen a lot and tell her how she has helped me over the years not just with money and rides, but with her time her love, loyalty and stability. I tell her how much I have always admired her and the many virtues I see in her. I don't know what else to do. The things she is hearing and seeing now are condescending attitudes, being treated as a child, her wishes ignored or questioned. The reality is my mother has some physical limitations, her mind is fully in tact. Now she is building resentments herself. I am so sad for this. Mom has a temperament of stoic and straight line right and wrong. It has always been the same, she has never wavered. She lives her life as a perfect example of her beliefs. She is not going to judge you or treat you badly if you believe differently, she going to tell you what she thinks and leave it at that. She does not understand the things that people do to one another and probably never will. Mama carries a lot of guilt, although that is starting to lessen some as she and I talk. I don't have my mother on a pedestal; I am going to come to her defense when I become aware of anyone hurting her; as I would with any member of my family or my few and chosen friends. Trying to achieve your own selfish goals through the pain of another is unacceptable to me.
I am sad on so many levels right now, I do not cry, oh how I wish I could. the nightmares have been horrific, I am afraid to sleep. Pain, disappointment, anger, fear, none of these are conducive to a good nights sleep. What I would love to be able to do is curl up in my Mama's arms. This has never happened. Mom doesn't show love that way, never says I Love You with words. Just with her life.
I want to run, run hard and fast to no where I have ever been and no where I'll ever be.