I have spent day after day wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I'm not one to worry about other peoples foibles, or what they are thinking of me. I truly don't care, yet here I was getting more and more resentful and angry by the minute. I was in an abyss of emotion as I stated previously. Self-pity and depression taking over my life. While I do have clinical depression and anxiety disorders galore, I have been diagnosed as Bi-polar as well as having PTSD, I rarely let it control me like this. Then (huge light bulb lit up,) I remembered I am also a 53 almost 54 year old woman who has been battling menopause for a few years now, once in awhile the hormones just slap me in the face and knock me down. One more reason for me to resent being a woman, something else I have fought with for years and years. What I tried to remember in the last day or so was that it isn't my fault and blaming wont help. Getting proper rest, eating right, and exercise are the answers. Well I do none of these things. It is hard to get out and walk when your legs feel as though they weigh a ton apiece, or eat right when the smell of any food makes you want to vomit. I slept for 14 hours yesterday...was that fatigue or depression, hell I don't know. My world is full of negative things happening, that is nothing new, you'd think I would have learned to cope by now. We are a family of crisis, we are not ones to say,"it won't happen to me."..We are more likely to say, "it can and will happen to me." I know everyone has a lot of stuff in their lives, I don't think we are unique in that way. As an example of how things run, take my 13th to 14th year. When I was 13 Gramma V. died, I was sexually assaulted by her husband on the way to her funeral, my 18 yr old sister had a baby by the man that raped her, whom my father made her marry and became friends with, she was diagnosed with cancer during the pregnancy, we didn't know if she would live to deliver, she did, I was involved in a major car accident, resulting in months of litigation, my family home burned down and I ended up having to stay with my post surgery and treatment sister with her husband and baby until the home could be replaced, in the middle of all this I confronted my father about what his father had been doing to me since the day I was born. Folks that was just one year in my life and has been considerably condensed.
I know I am rambling again, I am just so tired of the battle and trying to do it right. Sometimes I just want to roll up in a ball and feel sorry for me. Then the guilt takes over, I don't have it nearly so bad as so many other people do, what right do I have to self-pity. I see everyday the hardships of the ones I love to make it day to day and here I am bitching about my life.
They reality is I am tired, my extremities do feel excruciatingly heavy and difficult to move, my head is spinning like a top, and my eyes are not focusing without consciously forcing them too. My face has suddenly broken out in spots of burning eczema (or something), I in general just feel like shit. So bearing this in mind I get up and get out and DO anyway. It doesn't matter how I feel, Mom still needs to go shopping, Tim still needs me to be there for Brittany, Rebecca and Noah still need my help. It is my pleasure to be there for all of them and I enjoy every minute of it. I refuse to let whatever this is, to take all of me.