In the last few days I have made it over a hurdle of my youth. I recently joined a group on FB of my high school class mates and have been "talking " with them. What I realized was that for years and years I felt alienated and alone. It wasn't them it was me. I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn't let loose and let anyone in. Only a very few did I ever share my history with and as a youngster in those days what were they supposed to do with the information. It was a very close knit town of loggers, fisherman and mill workers. The town had as many bars as churches. I thought I felt their judgment, the reality is, it was more than likely my own . As I have talked to these peers of mine I realize how much I lost being afraid. My parents were not social, they didn't drink, Dad would not enter a church, in our town that cut down a lot of social activities. I did go to Sunday School while Mama went to church, but I was never comfortable with it. Many times I sat out in the car and waited. Mom was a girl scout leader, my sister went all the way through, I made it as far as a junior girl scout hating every minute of it. Sad; how our fears color our worlds.
As most girls in their pre-teens were discovering their bodies and boys I was running as fast as I could to get away from the adult I was turning into. Not that I didn't have an interest in boys, I did. I wanted everyone of them I met, made friends with, to love me and protect me. I had never been protected I thought that they would if I gave them myself. I drank and I drank, had sex , ran mostly; I didn't stop until 7 years ago when Randy came into my life and taught me how to protect myself from myself. The pain was intense still is most of the time, I have no words to explain this to you, other than to say I have been burned, had 5 kids, lost my father and a good friend, this all hurt but nothing in comparison to the pain I have lived with all my life.
Some say; 'get over it, it is in the past," or "look at what you have and appreciate that." All pat and easy answers if you don't know the pain. I have said them too. The shame, everything that you have had to hide about yourself does not go away. I walk through it on a daily basis, it has never gotten better. I know that others have their pain as well and I am not alone in this, but I do feel so alone so much of the time.
The hurdle I have jump as of now is that these are warm and loving people, who want to share memories of a time ,that for them was a time of innocence and fun. Not so much for me. I would never color their view of that past with my insecurities of myself, and the fear of them I had. It was not their fault , time to quit resenting and being angry ....at them. I figure this can only help in my own healing and I am grateful to Bobby for showing me this page and including me. It has meant ever so much
Our town was 2700 people, graduating classes of 96 or 100 kids. Everyone at least knew everyone's name and what car they drove. I feel a little sad now that I missed out on so much, but over-joyed that I have been able to recognize it for what it was. You see I didn't just think I was fat and ugly,I knew it, I also knew I was stupid and a slut, that is what I had always been told, I believed everyone knew that about me, how could they possibly like me when I was the trash Daddy threw away.