Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Doctor Says

Doctor says it is time for a mammogram. Don't we all hate that. Last time I had this done they called and said "they found something"; couldn't get in for a consult for 48 hrs. Me and my anxieties were in full flight mode. I went, they said,"oh, sorry, we didn't mean to scare you, it's nothing. They did another test , confirmed it was nothing and robbed my bank account. In order to avoid a couple weeks of anxiety, I made the appointment for tomorrow, two days after seeing Doc. I am scared to death and Randy is far far away. I will go and I know I will survive. I'm just nervous as a cat.

 This test is enough, I need nothing more to get me freaking out; oh, but I get a call. Doctor says the tests  are back; after always being normal or low, my cholesterol is sky high, I must have a drug for that. I must quit smoking and quit eating anything I enjoy. Drat, I am now starting to resent being human. My answer to this call was to buy and eat a Monster Cookie for lunch, for dinner I had corn chips and cheese dip, with the ever present Coke. I know I have to change these things, I will but for the next day or too I am just going to try and get through the tests I have to take. He gives me the prescription, I have no money to buy and I must see him in a month with no money to pay him. I am at a loss. I want to be healthy, I know there are ways I can do that so I will have to climb out of the denial I'm in about being 54, get over myself and get it done.

I had to take mama to the doctor today too, I get in my car; crap; here we go again, lights flashing, beepers beeping and it is very slow to start. I run over to Randy's work, grab the pick up and recognize that the one light it has on, is for the gas. I have no cash for gas. I made it to mama's and got her appointments taken care of,  had McDonald's. She gave me money for gas so I could get home. Here I sit grounded,  nothing to do but worry about tomorrow, my broken car and my son.

I know better than to dwell, that it solves nothing and there are many things that are simply out of my hands; but WHY damn it, does my car have to break too!

Doctor says I need to get more exercise; wonder if all the pacing I am doing will make a difference?

Oh lest I forget I have also had to schedule a colonoscopy, another area of pure anxiety for me. I'm sure everyone has an innate fear of this humiliation.Mine is again far and beyond the normal fears anxiety at it's worst. I will probably have to take a pill to get through it. It makes me mad at the same time that all these procedures for my health, are triggers.

I understand the importance of all this; I just don't know if I can do it.

1 comment:

  1. i think we also see things like this as showing that we are weak, an ego thing as well.i had a thyroid biopsy last year & i guess you just endure it for the greater good. but medicating to get thru is fine too as far as im concerned. luckily for me they had techs there to do preliminary tests on the lumpy stuff so i knew straight away that it was prolly not sinister, but even those moments are agony. but good luck jan, for the greater good remember.