Doctor Says

 

Doctor says it is time for a mammogram. Don't we all hate that. Last time I had this done they called and said "they found something"; couldn't get in for a consult for 48 hrs. Me and my anxieties were in full flight mode. I went, they said,"oh, sorry, we didn't mean to scare you, it's nothing. They did another test , confirmed it was nothing and robbed my bank account. In order to avoid a couple weeks of anxiety, I made the appointment for tomorrow, two days after seeing Doc. I am scared to death and Randy is far far away. I will go and I know I will survive. I'm just nervous as a cat.

 This test is enough, I need nothing more to get me freaking out; oh, but I get a call. Doctor says the tests  are back; after always being normal or low, my cholesterol is sky high, I must have a drug for that. I must quit smoking and quit eating anything I enjoy. Drat, I am now starting to resent being human. My answer to this call was to buy and eat a Monster Cookie for lunch, for dinner I had corn chips and cheese dip, with the ever present Coke. I know I have to change these things, I will but for the next day or too I am just going to try and get through the tests I have to take. He gives me the prescription, I have no money to buy and I must see him in a month with no money to pay him. I am at a loss. I want to be healthy, I know there are ways I can do that so I will have to climb out of the denial I'm in about being 54, get over myself and get it done.

I had to take mama to the doctor today too, I get in my car; crap; here we go again, lights flashing, beepers beeping and it is very slow to start. I run over to Randy's work, grab the pick up and recognize that the one light it has on, is for the gas. I have no cash for gas. I made it to mama's and got her appointments taken care of,  had McDonald's. She gave me money for gas so I could get home. Here I sit grounded,  nothing to do but worry about tomorrow, my broken car and my son.

I know better than to dwell, that it solves nothing and there are many things that are simply out of my hands; but WHY damn it, does my car have to break too!

Doctor says I need to get more exercise; wonder if all the pacing I am doing will make a difference?

Oh lest I forget I have also had to schedule a colonoscopy, another area of pure anxiety for me. I'm sure everyone has an innate fear of this humiliation.Mine is again far and beyond the normal fears anxiety at it's worst. I will probably have to take a pill to get through it. It makes me mad at the same time that all these procedures for my health, are triggers.

I understand the importance of all this; I just don't know if I can do it.