Wednesday, June 8, 2011
This test is enough, I need nothing more to get me freaking out; oh, but I get a call. Doctor says the tests are back; after always being normal or low, my cholesterol is sky high, I must have a drug for that. I must quit smoking and quit eating anything I enjoy. Drat, I am now starting to resent being human. My answer to this call was to buy and eat a Monster Cookie for lunch, for dinner I had corn chips and cheese dip, with the ever present Coke. I know I have to change these things, I will but for the next day or too I am just going to try and get through the tests I have to take. He gives me the prescription, I have no money to buy and I must see him in a month with no money to pay him. I am at a loss. I want to be healthy, I know there are ways I can do that so I will have to climb out of the denial I'm in about being 54, get over myself and get it done.
I know better than to dwell, that it solves nothing and there are many things that are simply out of my hands; but WHY damn it, does my car have to break too!
Doctor says I need to get more exercise; wonder if all the pacing I am doing will make a difference?
Oh lest I forget I have also had to schedule a colonoscopy, another area of pure anxiety for me. I'm sure everyone has an innate fear of this humiliation.Mine is again far and beyond the normal fears anxiety at it's worst. I will probably have to take a pill to get through it. It makes me mad at the same time that all these procedures for my health, are triggers.
I understand the importance of all this; I just don't know if I can do it.