Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Believing in Me

I went to see my Doctor yesterday. The first thing I have to say about this is no matter how old or how many times I go; it gets no less humiliating. I have huge anxieties about being vulnerable and have to prepare myself for weeks before I can go. It had been 4 years since my last physical, I also don't appreciate being told that "I really need to go to the Doctor", feels like control to me. It is not your normal fear; this is a deep rooted anxiety from childhood. No Doctor ever hurt me, it is the fear of some one touching me in intimate ways. Vulnerability puts me in a tizzy, to say the least.
The news however was good. Basically I am very healthy and the only things wrong with me I can control. I'm fat and I smoke. He did say that weight loss would be nearly impossible for me to achieve at this point, the best I could really hope for was maintaining at the weight I am. The smoking , well we'll see. I was pleased to hear that all the "symptoms" I have been complaining of the last couple years are indeed all part of menopause. Which of course reaffirms my disdain at being female. He also said I was not crazy. (Noah says I should get a second opinion.)  Dr. changed my meds for blood pressure around , put me on some that will effect only cardio and not get into my brain. He was concerned with my double fatigue,  I am an always moving kind of person, between the pill and menopause I was having all I could do to get up in the morning, getting anything fully accomplished was out of the question. My goal is to get physically well and active enough to eliminate the medication all together.
Being an over analytical personality, I was very concerned about my depression and anxieties, my diagnosis is Bi-Polar, when I was young it was called manic-depression. I take an antidepressant and most of the time I am okay, never good, but okay. Recently I have been swinging into mania and staying there longer than I ever have. It is not severe I guess, but feels that way for me. Dr. said it was more from hormones than my illness, and asked me to keep a chart,  believing it to be quite cyclical as my periods would be. Finding enough consistency in myself to keep a chart is the challenge for me.  The Doctor is my Doctor not my therapist, he knows nothing of my mental disabilities, I don't want him too, at the same time, being who I am, I want a cure and I want it now. I have been waiting for years for someone to figure out what is going on in my head and fix it.

Belief in myself is all there is; I may never know what is wrong with me; the only thing there is to do, is put one foot in front of the other and go forward believing I can get there. No matter where "there" is.

My trip to the Doctor was not nearly as traumatic as I was prepared for, I was actually quite relaxed when I left. The only negative I can see from the visit was that at a certain age they are required to give you and Advanced Directive to fill out. Makes my anxieties soar it does, I don't want anyone stuck with that kind of responsibility for me. Ah, what to do, what to do. believe the one I chose will be the right one. The one who can make unselfish decisions, not feel the guilt, and will ask questions of the right people. I really didn't want to think about this.

I believe I will be me; I will achieve my goals, no matter how humble or grandiose they seem. I believe.  

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