The proverbial spring wound so tight it will soon be sprung.
This week I have felt tremendous joy; and tremendous betrayal. Anger and laughter all mixed together. My stress level hasn't been so high in a very long time. I do not like it.
My sobriety has been tested, still is being tested. I haven't wanted a drink this bad in nearly 2 yrs. Today I haven't drank or popped a pill. I turned to you.
Let me start at the beginning of my week.
The first thing I had to do was go have my consult for a colonoscopy. (my mammogram was good by the way.) This exam is a trigger for me of horrible thoughts. I get to anticipate it for the next 4 mo., next I took my mama shopping, she was somehow just not right, I am not sure what it was , she is just off. On thursday I went to take care of my grankids, visited the park and got beat up by a hawk.(My own fault.) (story here http://jovanesphotos.blogspot.com/2011/06/red-tailed-hawk.html), I was embarrassed, scared and ashamed all at once. My son Kenny has been here for days with his girlfriend, which is also my own fault. I have been eaten out of the house and I am out of cigs and gas. I am grateful that he was here to take care of my wounds though. I ran Kenny and Ree off and brought home Lewis he is always a joy to have and Randy came home as well. We went walking up by Mt. Pisgah, then to a little out of the way boat landing where Lew got to dip his hands in the water, I got to take pictures of butterflies. We took Lew home from there and I went and picked up Tristyn for the night also a joy to have around and believe I do feel blessed to share these children. He came home with us because his family was filled with trauma, helping with Tristyn was all I could do. Today I went to Ayden's first birthday party which was at a park. It was lots of people I barely know and very warm,( remember I abhor crowds) I did have a good time. I am not forgetting the terrible time my daughter and Noah are having with Henry. They consult doctors think they have an answer to a specific issue, once again it does not work. The frustration that they endure watching their son in pain is something you can't even imagine.
All I want to do now is relax and have a beer. I am glad I am broke. I know this doesn't sound like much to all of you out there with your constant battles, but for me this week was horrifying. I have 3 1/2 years sober and all I can think about is having a beer. I wont have one tonight.
My heart is aching for my children and their pain, my heart aches for my mama, I am lonely, yet have been with people all week. There is so much more going on that I cannot write about; I still can't cry.
Jan it's awesome you have been sober for 3 1/2 years. As a mother, grandmother and daughter we tend to put our own pain and happiness aside to worry about our childern, grandchildren and parents.
ReplyDeleteBut at some point you need to just take 1 hour and do 1 thing for Jan... Doesn't have to be huge or grand or expensive.... Maybe just maybe after you've done a little thing for yourself you might find the tears flowing.
"I am lonely yet have been with people all week." I really know how that feels.
Thanks Debbie. I do tend to over extend myself at times. Much of it is just life, because I care I get washed away. The tears will come eventually, that's what scares me.
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