Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Anniversary ( some obscenity, triggers.)

Randy and I are married 4 years tomorrow.  We had been living together for 7 years on the 4th of this month. Did I ever tell you the story of us? I think I should, if only because I read so many stories of depression and sadness over relationships.

Let me start at the beginning. Randy and I met when I was about 23 he was about 20 years old. I met him through my ex; (we will call the ex...oh lets call him Dick.) I was with Dick for a short time when I realized I was in trouble, I had come straight from and abusive marriage into the arms of this man. Dick was young, (17 when I met him, 18 when we got together), charming, funny and seemed like the dangerous type. Very attractive to me at the time. Sadly he was also abusive, but in a way I, at the time, did not recognize. He was manipulative, hid my birth control pills, because he wanted another child, he already had one he'd abandoned, I had four who were trying to heal from what they had just been through, I didn't want another just now. Didn't matter he did, I got pregnant and we had Kenny, whom you've heard a lot about.  Somewhere along the line I met Randy who was with Dick's ex. What I didn't know was she wasn't an ex, he never broke up with her before me. She had been my friend as well. I know sounds pretty Jerry Springer to me too now, but this is pretty close to what happened. Anyway; in walks Randy and I was immediately in love. He was sweet, gentle, kind, compassionate, and cute too. In other words way to good for me as my mind worked. I felt I deserved shit because I was shit. Fast forward 4 years, Dick and I had married, had Kenny and my 4, Kenny was an issue from the time he was 18 mo. old., Dick wouldn't admit anything was wrong with his child so the help I got was behind his back. We split up. I was scared of him so eventually went back to him. Randy had told me "if you go back to him, you get what you deserve". I had no idea this was partly jealousy speaking, he had a wife. I went back anyway, I got hurt badly, Randy had left his wife, not because of me, but it happened. Randy and I were together shortly after that for 3 yrs. Dick walked back into my life and mind fucked me into leaving Randy, Dick and I even remarried after I spent $10,000. of my mother's money to divorce him. I cried and cried after I lost Randy, he was the love of my life and I had thrown him away like so much trash. I devastated him, I had lied, manipulated, connived , and detroyed any feelings he might have had left for me. Dick and I split up less than 6 mo. after we re-married and I was suddenly alone. No Randy to lean on, I had lost my best friend. From there I bounced from relationship to relationship. Always wrong, always abusive in one way or another. Then I met Bob, he was 18 yrs. younger than I and we did well for 7 years, then he started to lose his mind. Literally. I loved him dearly, we had a lot of fun together, I recognized he was very like Randy ,I feel now I transferred emotions. Bob became paranoid, talking to the cats, I mean have a conversation where the cat talked back. Later I found out from his sister that he'd been doing meth, he became schizophrenic wouldn't get help, I had to leave.

Just then, during that split up, who should walk into the store I was working at...Randy appeared at my cash register. My knees went weak and I teared up, He started out saying he wasn't there to cause problems just wanted to see how I was. I melted. After what I had done to him, why would he go out of his way to see me. It had been almost 20 yrs. since our last break-up. Suffice it to say we ended up together after much talk. 3 yrs. later Dick showed up again and I did it again. I booted Randy out for Dick. lasted all of 2 wks. Why couldn't I figure it out, why did he have such a hold on me. I don't know; but it is gone now. I begged Randy(and I mean begged) to take the risk one more time. He did and we have been solid ever since. I love him, but more than that for me, he respects me and I him. I am completely honest with him about everything and he is with me. He has shown me nothing but kindness. I'm not saying he doesn't get pissed, he does. We turned a big corner when he didn't leave it up to me to run Dick off, Dick wouldn't believe me and would keep coming around; Randy went out and spoke to him and he(Dick) has not been back since. Randy and I are left to live happily ever after...we are!!!!

Let me say here that this is obviously very condensed and details were left out like several of my suicide attempts, alcoholism (mine), drug addiction,(Dick's), my history with incest and abuse from childhood also played a big part in who I was and who I am now. Add to this that I had my first 4 children before I was 21, well you get the picture. I remained in many ways the 6 yr. old child that got raped by a man I should have been able to trust and respect.

Randy has forgiven all and completely trusts me, I for the first time in my life trust him with my heart.