Saturday, July 9, 2011

Just 24 hrs. of life.

The Park
 I have to tell you that today I cried a tear that actually made it to my cheek. I was at a celebration of life for some very dear friends daughter, (she was only 38, it was an accident). It was a beautiful celebration in a park with wonderful music and wonderful words. I wont tell you their story: it is not for me to do. What I will say is that I thought about my troubled son through out. I haven't seen these people in a very long time, close to 30 years I think, I was welcomed by them with much joy and appreciation. I was humbled. In their grief they were a comfort to me in mine, I am ashamed to say that I was the one who walked away from them all those years ago. How much has changed, how much is still the same. One of the things that struck me was how grateful they were to have had their daughter for the time they did, there was a lot of troubles along the way for them as there is with my son. They believed that she was just starting to get her life right and God saw this and took her  at that perfect time for Him.

photo thanks to google image search.
I have never talked of my spirituality, I don't often to anyone. It is a private thing for me. I have my love and faith. I know that God has a purpose for my son or he would not still be here, on this earth with me. I know that he has something to contribute to the world today. Through all of his dramas, traumas and anger, there is also a beautiful spirit and a golden heart. I can thank my friends for reminding me of this. I get so selfishly involved in my own crap that I forget he is simply a troubled soul that deserves the love of his mother regardless of his behavior.   Now I don't mean that I will bend  and take any abuse he may deal out. I will remain strong, I will keep my relationship with my husband and others as a priority not putting them in jeopardy, I will also remember that Kenny has brought me so much joy and laughter at times I couldn't imagine even smiling. He has saved my life a few times from the suicidal thoughts that can over-whelm me. I don't know what I would have done without him there. I am grateful for him.
Anastasia and Zane

I also had the privilege last night of staying the night at my daughter's house while she and Noah had a night to themselves for the first time since Henry's birth, (he is 21/2 yrs. old). I was looking forward to being able to give them this opportunity, I was also scared to death. Henry is a special child and requires special care. As I spent more time there, I realized once more how special they all are. Anastasia is phenomenal in her giving of love, such a young girl devoted to her family  yet humble. Zane is a devoted brother and full of concern for both of his little brothers. Then there is Lewis, the boy is a pistol, no words can describe him. Full of love, determined to be his own person, yet dependent on his siblings and parents as he is only just turning a year old. The joy for me watching these children interact with their parents out of the house was a joy to behold. I did run into a few problems with Henry's care, there was Anastasia to help and trouble shoot.  I learned from her that it is okay to not be all knowing  and have that perfect control. I relaxed and enjoyed.  I am not going to say that I slept well, not because of the babies, but because I was fearful of not hearing them. I have a whole new appreciation for Rebecca and Noah and their day to day life. They are doing a wonderful thing with all of the children, teaching them love, respect, compassion, empathy, giving them trust and boundaries. I seriously don't know how they do it.

I am not sure how to describe how I am feeling right now. I am so torn between grief and joy. I am sad for the time I lost with my friends, I am sad for the loss of their daughter, I am sad that Kenny has to continue to be in pain and turmoil. I am sad for what my daughter and her family have to live with everyday and I am sad that I cannot fix it. I am full of joy for the love I felt today from my friends and from my daughter's family the experiences were  wonderful. The greatest gift I have  received is the ability to witness the miracles of this life around me.

I am humbled and will be working hard to remember the things I have learned this week end.

Lest I be neglectful I must mention that my husband walked this walk with me, has held me through it all. I love you Randy.


  1. Your life and what you share..your family...all amaze me..I'm grateful to feel like a even a small part of are an inspiration my friend and I love you...As always...XOXOXO

  2. Thank you Bonnie. I often wonder if what I'm writing should be kept for myself rather than shared with the world. I only write of those in my family that have given permission, my other children and a few others are very private.

  3. Jan, I understand. Really. Life is hard, but life is good nonetheless. Life and death, cycles, seasons, ups and downs… highs and lows. Seasons of separation and seasons of reuniting. Seasons of pain and seasons of joy. And through it all, we are not alone. Not only do you have Randy, but you will always have God to hold your hand. Because only he is unchanging. And you are right about your son. There is a purpose and plan for his life here on earth. Faith, hope, and love… hold on to these. Always, always.

  4. I always find it odd how during sad moments the discovery of Grace comes. It's as though lose awakens us to how precious life is. Whenever some one you love is distant navigating their own issues, it's hard on the person left out. We all want to be needed, some more so than others. I hope you can connect without fear of loss of control and I wish you a genuine exchange and recognition of the other.

  5. You know it is especially odd for me, because I have lost 3 family members of my own and 2 very dear friends in the last couple years and each time I have a renewed sense of life. This time the words I heard struck my heart more than any other. thank you for your wishes .