Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Emptiness

The emptiness I feel inside is the same as any emptiness I have felt after a death. It is a death. I have made myself accountable to you, my great web friends and to my family. I cannot go backwards in my decision to protect myself. Yet I still have this hollow feeling where Kenny used to be. I know on one hand this is normal and that I will heal, the gaping wound becoming a scar, on the other side I am overwhelmed with emotions that I haven't felt in 30 years.

I was raised with several different kinds of abuse as a daily occurrence  and I myself continued the cycle, I had no idea how to change it. When my grandfather died I was left empty as well, I had already married and had some children, I was 18 when he died. I had married into alcoholism which I knew nothing of and soon joined the party. To say he alone was abusive, would be wrong, his family was very dysfunctional and it fit my needs at the time. I was abusive to him as well, more emotional than physical but that I did my share of damage can not be denied. After I left that marriage I found another man that was the same with a different name, not so much physical this time, emotional and crazy making, the next was less so but still the same. Finally I found Randy and all was well, but I was not dealing with the emptiness because I had my son to fill that void the abuse had filled.

I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous that a person would miss that type of behavior in their life, and those that have not experienced it will be aghast at the thought. Regardless it is how many of us feel, I am not living in the past, I want nothing more than to heal, but in living with the constant abuse somehow was/is  way of life. I have put a lot of the damaging people out of my life, no longer succumbing to the behavior. I will continue to grow and will fill the vast void with the love of the ones who are in my life. At the moment however, I am trying to recover from one of the most horrific decisions I have ever had to make. I know that I am loved, I know that this journey will not be as treacherous as paths I have chosen in the past.

This is a difficult task I have set for myself, I find myself wondering everyday if he is okay, I have nightmares every night of him being hurt or killed or of him killing himself. I haven't heard anything of him since the day I said good bye. I know it is all adjustment, I know that he will survive or not by his own choices and that there is nothing I can do. Sadly that does not make it any easier to accept. But accept I will and go on. Just don't be surprised if you read that I am feeling bleak and depressed.

What I have realized is that for some reason I derived some kind of pleasure out of being a victim. Things I would not have taken from anyone else in the world,(because I am strong,) have been put upon me for years by my own son. Why, because I allowed it. Why did I allow it, because somewhere somehow I derived pleasure. Maybe in the attention, maybe in the being needed, maybe in the challenge of trying to fix it. I am not truly sure of the whys. The longer I am sober the harder it was to deny what I was doing. Not what he was doing. So now I will deal with the emptiness and try to let it heal. I have learned enough to reach out to those that care when I start to become overwhelmed, I am also aware that I can not do this alone. changing the brain takes time and work. I will get there, thanks to you and the family who has stepped up.

I also must say that for 50 years of my life there was no support for what was happening, I was blamed and vilified by nearly everyone. As a result I thought I had to do it alone,I had no choice as far as I could see. It was my fault grampa did what he did, it was my fault I had bad men in my life, it was my fault Kenny was who he was. I was told these things over and over again until just a few years ago. The doctors told me it was because of me that Kenny was sick. Understandably I believed I had to fix it. No one would help, but I thought I could anyway. Wrong!

I am 54 the abuse pattern was started at 4-6 months. It is ending now, but I won't heal overnight.

I'll take more pictures, spend more time with mama and love the babies, that is how I will start the process. I am taking a few days off for now, may do Magnificent Monday but will be taking some time to be alone, to nurture myself.

Thank you my dear friends for listening and know that I value each and everyone of you.<3<3<3

  All graphics thanks to google search: images.


  1. Jan sending you love and light and plenty of hugs... This is not an easy journey...

  2. jan i don't have your story, but you are teaching me lessons on how to be a more effective grown up for the people in my life. acceptance & hope are big ones for me, you write it down to help us all hold those ideals close. thank you, hug the babies & yr mumma & i know you know you are not alone.

  3. Sparkelmezen, thank you.

    Kerryn: if anything I write helps someone then it is worth all I have gone through. thank you.

  4. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I feel you deep inside..I wish I could be closer give physical hugs, support and love to you....just know that even from here I am hugging you damn tight...I love you my are one very strong, beautiful courageous lady..As always...XOXOXOXO

  5. lots of love jan, i pray for you and your family. hugs to your strength and patience.

  6. @ Bonnie, I feel and treasure your hugs, thank you.<3<3<3

    @ Janu, Thank you.

    @ Sancheeta, thank you so much.

  7. I am wishing you the best my friend, the road you've taken is not easy, at all...

  8. Thank you for your wishes, with the help and support of you all I will travel with more ease.

  9. It is not easy to go on a healing journey. Hugs and blessings to you my dear. You are doing your best and will continue to get where you want to be.

  10. Jan this is such a touching story but I am so happy that you are making progress. Not because you have to but because you want.The love and support of the people that care for you will help you through the dark times. Have a blessed week and enjoy the time off. We all need it some times :)

  11. Jan great post good luck with your journey it may help if you follow your name god bless

  12. Jan..It's understandable how we can get addicted to abuse...And you have been through so much. That you can still be so positive, so reflective, so insightful is a testimony to your great spirit...This spirit is leading you towards healing...Hang in there, my sister. Love you.

  13. @ Temeka: thank you for the words of encouragement. It means the world to me that you are all here for me to lean on.

    @ thank you Neleita, Yes it is a want, I'm to tired to live the old way...thank you.

    @ Roy: Are you referring that my names means God's Grace, that is what I have found it to mean, and you are right. Thank you for the support and advice.

    @ Corinne, thank you. I have been so far down I have to be positive, I don't like the dark. I apprecate you greatly.