Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The End of a Saga

I need to write, I am so confused that I have no idea what to say; I hurt, I'm grieving, I don't like what has happened this week, on the other hand it had to happen.

My son completely crossed the line this week and I told him goodbye. I wont let him in again. He is an alcoholic, and a drug addict, I have done everything and more for him than anyone should have done. I let him control me through intimidation, fear . I'm done. I can love my son and I do, without losing my own heart and life.

He has a myriad of different mental illnesses that he tries to blame his bad behavior on. I just don't care anymore. He threatened the safety of a 12 yr old as well as 4 other children 7 and under, all of whom happen to be my grandchildren. If I can't have faith in him to hold it together with his own nieces and nephews in the home, how can I ever trust him with anything.

He has been throwing a temper tantrum and threatened his brother and his girlfriend, threatened myself and my husband with all kinds of crap. My older daughter pointed out that he has been doing this for over 14 yrs., because he got away with it. I was so fearful of him that I actually have a lifetime stalking order against him and his father has a restraining order. I honestly felt for years that I would be his first murder victim.

Now you can read this and assume that we were lousy parents, we were to a point, remember he is 28 years old has never held a job, quit school at 10, went to prison for beating up a girl who was 8 mo. pregnant while she was holding a 2 year old. I tried all the counseling and therapy that I could afford. All to no avail, he didn't and doesn't care, he is and I believe was born insane. The trouble started when he was little more than an infant.

I have carried guilt for many, many years, thinking that all was my fault some how and that I should be able to fix it. I can't, he chooses not too! He has manipulated me with that guilt his entire life. His dad and I were at such odds with each other that we allowed him to play us one against the other. We are presenting a united front now, Kenny really does not like that.

I am grateful to all of you for your support through this, you gave me strength to stand up and be firm. Rebecca, Noah, Randy, Timothy, and Brittney all family that I shared the pain with, have been very supportive of me and have stood by me as I go through this awful and painful process of grieving for a child who is not dead. My mother has been instrumental in helping me to be Jan, she loves me without any question, unconditional, and most of all accepts me as I am. I never knew this about her until recently, it has given me a piece of the strength I needed as well.

I am sure I will be having some days that I want to give it up and let him in, I know that I can't. I quit drinking, I can stop this self damaging behavior ; because I know I have all of you, and my family.

This is huge for me, the end of a life of abuse, a new chapter, The storm shall let up for a bit, the journey continues.

Thank you, to all of you for listening.


  1. This is so moving. At one point people have to claim responsibility for their own lives and stop blaming parents, upbringing, circumstances etc. I am glad you have closed the chapter on guilt. All the best with your life.

  2. Thank you, grief is a tough go, but I will make it.

  3. Happiness needs sadness.
    Success needs failure.
    Benevolence needs evil.
    Love needs hatred.
    Victory needs defeat.
    Pleasure needs pain.
    You have experienced and accepted the extremes...God bless u,and I wish u the very best always.

  4. Got a relation going through similar with their son, same age.
    You, your extended family, your friends all have to support you now so you can remain strong and say no to your son. It's good to see they are.
    No more will you accept his threats, his drinking and drug abuse, no more will you accept the guilt, no more will you fix his problems.

    He has to take responsibility for his actions.
    You're there to love him, not to give him his every need.
    Be strong.

  5. You have done the best any mother can do to her son.....Love and hugs...be strong.

  6. Jim, Thank you so much, it is difficult, it helps to know I am not alone. Your words mean a lot to me. <3

    Janu, I appreciate the encouragement, thank you for the love and hugs.

  7. I feel as though I have been stabbed in the heart.

  8. Be strong, you have done the right thing.Take one day at a time and things will improve..god bless

  9. We should try and live in the moment , as no one assures us of a tommorrow, and we should not allow anybody to threaten or intimidate us in any way , I feel for you so much that it is hard to put into words , I pray that life for you all involved will improve sending much love out to you ... <3 XoXoXo Anna Romano

  10. Jan what you are going through is very hard... I have 2 very close friends who are going through the same situation... One had stopped accepting the guilt and gifted the child the responsibility and now that child is 26... married with 2 kids and working and very happy... He helps other kids as well...
    The other well is not ready to hand over the responsibility yet....
    So Jan what you have done is courageous.... not easy at all...
    You will find your guidance and that will help you through...
    Take care

  11. Jan - Offering you love, support and many hugs...You did the right thing for your family...

  12. @ Sulekka,Thank you for the support and encouragement.

    @ Anna, You are so right,I thank you for the kind words of encouragement.

    @ Sparklemezen, I have been in this battle for seems like a lifetime, I have 4 other kids, this one just was so different from the very beginning, he left me drained. Thank you for your encouragement and support.
    @ Corrine, Thank you for the support and love and hugs.

  13. I'm sorry Jan, and I'm so proud of you. You know I just did the same with Patrick. We're growing. Maybe the last of our abusers.
    Much love, Beck

  14. This has made me cry a bit. So sad that the two of us have to run parallel in this too! Your are right we are growing and changing our way of thinking. I pray I see an abuser coming before I let them in. Love to you as well Beck. <3

  15. Jan, It does and will hurt like hell but it doesn't have to destroy you. I am so sorry you're going through this. Something that has helped to keep my sanity in dealing with terribly poor choices several of my kids have made is keeping the following perspective: early in life our kids are, indeed, victims. But at some point they move from being a victim to being a volunteer. I'll take responsibility for and own my sins of commission and omission in those early years. But I will not take responsibility for the choices they make now as volunteers. Grace and peace to you.

  16. Thank you so much Steve, I am so tired that I almost gave up trying to take care of me. Your words truly make sense to me and are very helpful. Thank you again.

  17. I'm really sorry, Jan. As a mother of adult children, I can attest that the hardest thing is to let go and allow them to live their own lives, right or wrong. His life will turn around only if he wants it to, and in the mean time, you have to take care of yourself and those you are responsible for. Hugs to you, and stay strong.

  18. Thank you Adriene, I appreciate the support and hugs. I will be okay, just takes some time.

  19. read your story. just can say you are a brave mother. we all support your decision. never stop loving but never stop protesting against the wrong. a mother is the best teacher of misbehaved child even he is grown up. wish that everything changes and your son turns out to be a good learner of life.

    lots of love and hugs.

  20. Jan - I am so sorry to read this! I can only imagine the pain you must be going through... But give yourself credit - by letting him go you have done the bravest thing a mother can do. He will learn when he doesn't have you and his father to cushion his falls. Chin up now and smile knowing everything will fall in place... Loadsa love

  21. Jan, my heart goes out to you. Tough love is so difficult and sometimes what it takes for an addict to hit bottom rather than dying from his addiction.

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  23. @ Kriti, Thank you for the encouragement. I don not feel very brave right now. I am trying the chin up thing.

    @ Sancheeta, thank you so much.

    @ Pat: I know Pat, it is all just so very sad, not just for my son, but for all the other addicts out their and their parents and siblings. It is difficult to say the least to grieve for a living child.