Venting Mostly.

I can say that this week has been a huge test to my personal boundaries. I can also say that I failed terrifically in part and was extremely successful in the rest of it. I know I will be okay and I know my relationship will remain intact. Which for me besides myself is the most important of everything that I deal with on a daily basis. It has been difficult and my heart has been aching, yet I have been able to smile and carry on and finish tasks that I set for myself. Well then again, I work best under stress.

What has happened is that my middle son and his girlfriend and their 4 children have come to stay with Randy and I. This is fine and was done because the children needed a safety net, they do not deserve to be lost because their parents are. Their parents are on the way to mending and will recover from this just fine. I wish some one had been there for me, to protect my children when I couldn't.

What is at issue is the fact that my youngest son, whom I have written of before will not leave. He is driving me crazy, literally and I don't seem to be able to get him out of my home. He is adept at emotional blackmail and guilt trips. I know logically that I owe him nothing at this point. We have done everything humanly possible to help this boy, who is no longer a boy, but a 28 year old man. He wears me out and depresses me. It is oppressive to have him in my home. No I haven't given up, I probably never will, but I must remove him from my home. He does......nothing.....absolutely nothing except try to prove he is doing something.

Tonight we have Lewis, always such a joy and helps me to maintain balance, it is easier to say no to Kenny when I have someone besides myself to protect. As wrong as I know this is it is where I seem to be stuck right now. It is the old abusive syndrome I recognize it for what it is, it is just incredibly difficult to implement my tools when it is my son. I know that I am worth protecting, I realize that I can't protect anyone if I can't protect myself. In order to do this against my son, I have to be able to fully recognize and admit that Kenny is a danger to me. So hard to believe of your own child, let alone the baby of the family.

He has been angry and violent since 18 months old.

I know that this is repetitive, the reason for that being, it is the biggest stumbling block in my life. I'm not sure what to do and it is an area that I have studied and had therapy for, tried and tried to deal and cope with. I seem to always end up back where I started.

I try to be compassionate and sensitive, Kenny takes full advantage of who I am that way and manipulates aggressively. I don't want to lose that part of myself to cynicism and anger, yet I can feel it happening. I know there are all kinds of answers, I know that I am the only one that can change things, I know that it is a dangerous situation, I know all of these things. I feel like there is a 10 foot thick steel wall, to high to climb, in front of me, and no way around.

I know what the answers are, I also know that I have not been able to implement them in 28 years. I just want the pain to stop. For myself and him.