Sunday, November 13, 2011

Today's Boggled Mind.

I have started and stopped writing about 30 times today. We will see what happens this time.

I got the results back from my colonoscopy, they found high-grade dysplasia in the area of the large polyp that was removed. What does this mean? It was just short of cancer and I must return in 2 months for another biopsy. I was very fortunate that I finally got in had this done, any longer and I would have had full blown cancer. Actually the doctor did not sound encouraging that more would not be found, the reason for the wait on the second biopsy is that I have an open wound, the cells are not viable from that area. This is my second experience with high grade dysplasia; 30 yrs ago when I was 24 yrs old I had to have my cervix, and uterus removed for the same reasons, that was caused from my abuse as a child.

To say that I am not scared to death would be a lie, I truly am. I won't live in the fear, I am at this moment trying to figure out how we are going to pay for the second biopsy. Taking everything in consideration going down the list of things I can do to make this a more comfortable journey. I will change my diet,  attempt to get the exercise I need the rest. Anything I do such as this can only help. I would say that I will quit smoking but am not ready yet to make a promise on that. So as I go down the list money is a high priority, the bill from the surgery has not come in yet but I have a $5,000 deductible and I have no clue how to pay that, then to have more is out of the question. Yet I must because I want to know, I want to be here for the kids that are struggling, for my husband and for the joy of life.

We have decided to sell our truck which will help a little, it is an older truck though, so maybe just enough for a down payment on the bill we already have, then make payment arrangements on the rest. I don't know where this will lead or what growth I will achieve, I am sure that I will be and already am different from this.

The first thing I did when I found out, was go to my best friend and tell her that she needs to go in, her mom died of cancer and her lifestyle has been much the same as mine. I am very concerned for her. She too, is just starting to get her life together, has a couple of grand-daughters she adores, is an fundamental part of their lives. She, like I, balks at the thought of the doctor. I found myself speaking as people had with me, I knew that was fruitless as I spoke. In the end I ended up saying to her, how would your life have been different if your mother had taken care of herself? I felt cruel when I said it but the question hit home. I told her to show her kids how much she loved them by doing the things she needed to do in order to care for herself. She thanked me and said she had never thought about like that, the reality is neither had I until recently. She made an appointment for a physical and will take it from there. I love her dearly, the fear in my heart was lessened by my speaking with her, I am not sure why. I was frantic to tell her and nearly force her to do something. Maybe to appease some of my own guilt? I don't know, it doesn't really matter.

On a different subject I have also had a difficult time with my family living with me, I was building resentments, not coping well, believing that there was nothing I could do to change things. Finally we had a confrontation, I handled it badly I am ashamed to  say, attacking and guilt throwing. I hadn't realized how badly I was hurt over some of the circumstances, I tend to deny my own pain quite a bit. We ended up having a less emotional conversation and are continuing to communicate on a intelligent level. I am not a screamer and when I found myself wanting to yell, I knew something had to change. I don't handle confrontation well in the first place, when it is with loved ones it is nearly impossible for me. I don't want to be cold and hard, I try to be compassionate, empathetic and understanding, I blew it this time.

Also I have Kenny knocking on the back door, figuratively speaking. He is trying to communicate, calls from different numbers to try and talk to me, I am now avoiding the telephone. It is getting close to the holidays, it is part of his modus operandi, to warm us up, let him sneak in for Thanksgiving, it escalates from there. He always prefaces the messages he leaves by stating that he doesn't need anything he just wanted to let me know he is okay, or just wanted to talk to his brother ect. Tim did call him tonight, what he wanted was for Randy and I to use our pick up to move his new girlfriends trailer for them. There is always an ulterior motive. Every time it breaks my heart a little more. 


I did however manage to get out of the house yesterday and take a bunch of photos and had a lot of thinking time. The things I want for my life are absolutely achievable I just have to do it. Starting with getting out of the house and behind the camera, there are so many things I would have missed if I hadn't gone out.  Below is one of them.






26 comments:

  1. You have gone through a lot lately Jan but I think you are coping pretty well. God bless you. xoxo

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  2. Jan, keep believing that things will become okay and they will. Stay positive and click more pictures, this hobby will calm you and make you a little stress-free.

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  3. You are an amazing woman! I personally believe from the sounds of it you handle your situation with your family very well. Yes! confrontation has always, always been incredibly difficult for me. It has taken me so many years to get to the point of realizing anger is a natural response -- its rage and abuse that is not okay! I get angry. I respond...way back when I pushed it down and resentment formed. Just like you told your friend take care of your health, show your family you care. I think when we are true to our feelings and LET THEM OUT we are showing others that we find ourselves to be of value. I tell my Children that it is more than okay to get Angry; it is what we do with that anger, because holding it in will only make it worse. At-least you let it out...we have to do it before we can learn to "do it" differently next time. And, there will be a next time because people inevitably disspoint -- we're human!

    It sounds like you are setting some healthy boundries.

    Have you thought about contacting different Cancer organziations about special screening programs? Or surrounding hospitals, places that do the screenings, search the internet for ways to negotiate charges. Just tell them that you have catastrophic type insurance that you cannot afford the testing. Tell your Doctor and if he can't help maybe you can find one who will...not sure where you live it may require visiting one in a large City. Depending on your Age maybe there are additional programs available for you to help offset the cost. If the procedure is done at a hospital contact the hospital administration office. It may take some work but exhaust all avenues before you dish out that large deductible. I ended up finding a program for a medication that I had to take -- it was almost $400.00 a month.

    Good Luck!

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  4. You have gone through a lot, maybe this is one more test of your resolve...Prayers and love.

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  5. At times you really don't know as why so many things are happening in your life,why nothing seems to go in the right way...but as time goes by, life has a way of rearranging itself.You will soon realize that this was just another test put your way.I can only keep you in my thoughts and prayers...Wishing you love,luck and happiness always.

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  6. Hang in there my friend..you have been through so much and still are going through it....but you ARE doing it and you are so strong and brave...I don't know if you see that or not..but know i and many others see it clear...I love you so much.....As always...XOXOXOXOXO

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  7. wow -- alot going on! looks like you are embracing it all and living your way through it. what else can we do?

    i agree with your assessment that our kids deserve parents who do their best to take care of themselves. that motivates me, sometimes, when i feel lazy ...

    in case you're interested, i quit smoking using hypnosis and it was amazingly 'easy' considering it was probably the hardest thing i've ever done!

    http://www.dangerouslinda.com/?page_id=459

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  8. @ Rimly; Thank you, I work at being the best I can be. <3<3<3

    @ Sulekkha; Thank you, yes I am back to clicking, it does help quite a bit.<3<3<3

    @ Amy; Thank you so much for all you suggestions and support. I truly appreciate it. I am to talk to the Dr. this week about the finances, we will see how that goes and take it from there.<3<3<3

    @ Janu; Thank you for the support and prayers. <3<3<3

    @ Alpana; Thank you for all your support and love. <3<3<3

    @ Bongo; <3 I love you too Bonnie, thank you for being there by my side. <3<3<3

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  9. My god, I wish things were easier for you. I really hope you can be blessed with a total recovery.

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  10. @ Dangerous Linda; Somehow I seem to always have a lot going on. I have learned to minimize where I can. Hypnosis was actually a serious thought for me. 40 years is a long time. <3<3<3 Thank you.

    @ Miss Lego; thank you for your thoughts, I am hoping I will be just fine and will go on deciphering this thing we call life. <3

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  11. always with you in prayers. life has many pages to unfold. be strong and understand what each chapter has to say.
    love and hugs, my friend.

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  12. Jan, your courage and determination shine through your words. You are one brave woman! Know that I am praying for you for healing in all the areas you are hurting.

    Blessings, my dear!

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  13. @ Sancheeta; i am glad you are here and thank you for your prayers and encouragement.<3

    @ Martha; Thank you for your prayers as well and for being here. <3

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  14. Jan.... through your posts I get the feeling that you are ready to face things or take control of them knocking them down with strength and guts.. You are ready to leap... nothing letting anything hold you back!
    I see you doing this and I truly hope you do and write about it!

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  15. Thank you Savira, Sometimes I just want to quit as do a lot of people I am sure, the goal is to more than survive it is to live with dignity,and joy.<3

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  16. Dear Jan it feels to me that you are very hard on yourself. Everyone would be knocked out with their feelings if they get to know they might have or have cancer but you go to see your friend because you care for her and make her aware of what is important to do. That to me seems pretty amazing. And dealing with your whole family around is pretty hard job. I have cut mostly all contacts to my family because I can not deal with it at all (I do not have children though that would be different I guess) and showing your emotions is a lot especially as being one of us. It is a lot that you have to deal with all in all! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and a candle burns for you to send you strength. Be blessed!

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  17. Jan, I could sit here and tell you that you need to take care of yourself...but I am the worst at taking my own advise and I know you know exactly what needs to be done and what the results are of each action :)
    Don't worry about the bills! I don't say that lightly. Michaela has been at doctor's offices and having test and procedures done since 2009 that there is no way I could ever pay it off. I had them put me on a $30.00/mth payment plan. I don't even look at the total anymore. It's useless. Each time the bill comes, I call and pay over the phone and wait until next months bill comes. One thing that I learned through our history of illness is that stressing over the finances doesn't make it go away...it just adds to the bad health.
    Please do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and happy :)

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  18. Dear Jan,please flow with the flow. You know, my mom is fighting with BC and she is just 42. what else can we do other than giving in to God's will? But we must not give up fighting.IO wish you all the resolve to stare this dread in its very eyes.
    -PORTIA

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  19. @ Lis21; i am hard on myself at times, as I think we all are. I guess I don't know what it is like to not have children, although they are adults, it is the grand-children now that pull the heartstrings. I deeply appreciate your prayers and support Lis21, my heart is pretty overwhelmed by the support I receive here.<3<3<3

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  20. @ Mary; Thank you for the advice, I think that is what I will do that with the dr. office, payment plan. I have to have this done, regardless of the cost financially. Taking everything into consideration I think I am okay, I miss my husband more than anything, other than that I can cope with it all. Thanks in large part to all of you. <3<3<3

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  21. @ Portia; Thank you so much for the encouragement and I am trying to flow with the flow, sometimes the rapids are hard to negotiate is all. <3<3<3

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  22. I can't imagine all that is your shoulders right now. You are a brave and amazing woman, and we're honor that you'd share your story. Holding space for you today, wishing you wellness and support.

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  23. @ Laura Emily; Thank you, it is a blessing that I share, for too long it was all inside. thank you for caring. <3

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  24. You are very welcome! You deserve this support on all levels ~ you are ready for it now I guess :-)
    Well for me in a way all children are my children. I care for them no matter in who's family they are born ~ they deserve our support too.

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  25. Oooo I read this after a month. I hope you recuperated well in every aspect of your life Jan. I could see how strong you are. Loving you Jan.

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