As much as I feel I should, I can't seem to stay away from my blogging groups and writing out my emotions. I sometimes feel that I am a pathetic loser, seeking a pat on the back. Normally I know this is not true, my entire purpose is to share what I go through, so that some one might be helped, yet I still feel like a fraud. Little insecurity raising it's ugly head.
This week there was a incomprehensible occurrence, one that I should not have been surprised to learn of, but I was. A man I know, he is 39 now, I have known him since 19 or 20, no I haven't known him all those years actually, I knew him when he was 19 or 20 until he was 24 or so. He has recently been arrested on over 90 counts of various different sex abuse charges on children. I am so angry over this I have no idea how to put it into words. The reason for my anger is this:
15 years ago, he was a familiar sight at my home fairly close to my older children's age,( my oldest is 36), he was dating a young girl who lived next door, very young 15 I think at the time. They ended up having a baby together, sweetest thing you ever wanna meet. Because of her mother's youth and circumstances this man was able to take custody of the child. The child accused he and his father of sexually abusing her, no charges were ever brought forth. This girl is now 17 and lives with her Aunt. The girls next door , there are 4, were and are like my own children, they had it pretty rough and even in my drunken life I was able to give them some guidance and love, I was close to the baby as well. There was a close knit family of friends that the girls and I were a part of, as well as this man. When the allegations were brought forth, the friends divided some staying very loyal to him and in complete denial that he woulds ever do anything like that. I stood with the mother child and her aunts, why would you not believe a child, with my background I know that a child of 2 does not lie of these things. Up until the day he was arrested thses folks stood by him. Now they are calling the mother and saying sorry we were wrong.
What pisses me off the most about this is that it took 15 years, and how many victims, before he was actually arrested, hasn't gone to court yet so who knows if he will have any consequences. I do not understand why the first child was not protected nor why I myself didn't see it in him before that happened. Mom herself was only a child. this man spent many hours in my home, I recently found out , that he had been trying for my younger daughter, I never knew. As aware as I am, how could I have not seen. I am so angry I would probably go to jail myself if I saw him.
The good that has come from his arrest is that the baby and mom are now validated and maybe just maybe a little more healing can happen for them both. A few more people are aware how easy it is to be fooled by these predators, maybe this will help stop another man or woman. I can only pray, pray for healing of his victims and forgiveness for myself that I did not see it.
This has sent me on an emotional roller coaster, I am having difficulty with guilt and depression. Thanks to Bonnie and my friend Carolyn for convincing me to not leave my blog. I almost did. I didn't know my friend was even reading the blog, she called me out of the blue yesterday to tell me thank you for all I had taught her through my words. I knew her in high school, hadn't spoken since we were 16 or so. We are in the process of rekindling our friendship, I am ever so grateful for this. I wrote Bonnie through facebook a very long letter telling her the above story and that I was reeling from it, she told me to write and that she loved me. precious words to me. I am grateful and humbled.
Below is a partial list of the charges brought against this man. You can see from the charges why I have been sent tumbling. He was in my house. WHY WHY WHY can't it be stopped.
This week there was a incomprehensible occurrence, one that I should not have been surprised to learn of, but I was. A man I know, he is 39 now, I have known him since 19 or 20, no I haven't known him all those years actually, I knew him when he was 19 or 20 until he was 24 or so. He has recently been arrested on over 90 counts of various different sex abuse charges on children. I am so angry over this I have no idea how to put it into words. The reason for my anger is this:
15 years ago, he was a familiar sight at my home fairly close to my older children's age,( my oldest is 36), he was dating a young girl who lived next door, very young 15 I think at the time. They ended up having a baby together, sweetest thing you ever wanna meet. Because of her mother's youth and circumstances this man was able to take custody of the child. The child accused he and his father of sexually abusing her, no charges were ever brought forth. This girl is now 17 and lives with her Aunt. The girls next door , there are 4, were and are like my own children, they had it pretty rough and even in my drunken life I was able to give them some guidance and love, I was close to the baby as well. There was a close knit family of friends that the girls and I were a part of, as well as this man. When the allegations were brought forth, the friends divided some staying very loyal to him and in complete denial that he woulds ever do anything like that. I stood with the mother child and her aunts, why would you not believe a child, with my background I know that a child of 2 does not lie of these things. Up until the day he was arrested thses folks stood by him. Now they are calling the mother and saying sorry we were wrong.
What pisses me off the most about this is that it took 15 years, and how many victims, before he was actually arrested, hasn't gone to court yet so who knows if he will have any consequences. I do not understand why the first child was not protected nor why I myself didn't see it in him before that happened. Mom herself was only a child. this man spent many hours in my home, I recently found out , that he had been trying for my younger daughter, I never knew. As aware as I am, how could I have not seen. I am so angry I would probably go to jail myself if I saw him.
The good that has come from his arrest is that the baby and mom are now validated and maybe just maybe a little more healing can happen for them both. A few more people are aware how easy it is to be fooled by these predators, maybe this will help stop another man or woman. I can only pray, pray for healing of his victims and forgiveness for myself that I did not see it.
This has sent me on an emotional roller coaster, I am having difficulty with guilt and depression. Thanks to Bonnie and my friend Carolyn for convincing me to not leave my blog. I almost did. I didn't know my friend was even reading the blog, she called me out of the blue yesterday to tell me thank you for all I had taught her through my words. I knew her in high school, hadn't spoken since we were 16 or so. We are in the process of rekindling our friendship, I am ever so grateful for this. I wrote Bonnie through facebook a very long letter telling her the above story and that I was reeling from it, she told me to write and that she loved me. precious words to me. I am grateful and humbled.
Below is a partial list of the charges brought against this man. You can see from the charges why I have been sent tumbling. He was in my house. WHY WHY WHY can't it be stopped.
| Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | ||||
| ENCOUR CHILD SEX ABUSE 2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| ENCOUR CHILD SEX ABUSE 2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| ENCOUR CHILD SEX ABUSE 2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| ENCOUR CHILD SEX ABUSE 2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| ENCOUR CHILD SEX ABUSE 2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| ENCOUR CHILD SEX ABUSE 2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| ENCOUR CHILD SEX ABUSE 2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| ENCOUR CHILD SEX ABUSE 2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| ENCOUR CHILD SEX ABUSE 2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SODOMY-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| USE CHILD IN DISPLAY SEX | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SODOMY-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SODOMY-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SODOMY-2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SODOMY-2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SODOMY-2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SODOMY-2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SODOMY-2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| UNLF SEX PENETRATION-2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| UNLF SEX PENETRATION-2 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| SEXUAL ABUSE-1 | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| USE CHILD IN DISPLAY SEX | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| USE CHILD IN DISPLAY SEX | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| USE CHILD IN DISPLAY SEX | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| USE CHILD IN DISPLAY SEX | Lane County Sheriff | EGC 201111393 | |||
| USE CHILD IN DISPLAY SE |
OMG ... reading this has sent chills right through my whole body,in my opinion any one who touches a child should be dealt with accordingly and that is to hand the peron over to the childs family and do to them whatever they put the child through ...imprisonment is not an option...
ReplyDeleteI realise my problems and heartache is no where near what you are and have gone through , but writing bout it does help , recently once again I have been told indirectly and menicingly excuse amongst many other excuses,that because I still tweet and blog I will not get to see my grandchildren , I have been having therapy for the way I and my husband are being treated ,I have been told by my therapist to write a journal of my feelings , and that is what I am doing and it helps I must say ,until I start getting attacked, all I am saying to you is keep on writing what you are feeing , get those pent up emotions and hurts out ,there are many people out there that sympathise with you and care about you , I am one of those people , and Iam sending out a great big hug to you XXXXXXX always , lets try to not let others dictate our lives by using emotional and mental or physical blackmail!!!!! THE TRUTH WILL EVENTUALLY COME OUT !!!!
This is Anna Romano I just wrote the comment abovebut it did not post my name for some reason, so thisis a continuance of that post :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Anna, this has been difficult for me on so many levels I can't even explain. I appreciate your support and hope and pray that things will work out for you as well.<3<3<3
ReplyDeleteFirst of all Jan,you should write down everything you are hurting about..and believe me,you are not a pathetic loser,you are a winner,and strongly feel so...
ReplyDeleteI don't know why such human beings are made...and I am sorry to know that he was in your house...but now everything will be alright,have faith and hope..And don't you dare stop blogging..please,we are all with you..lots iof love and prayers..
This is a shocker! Don't leave the blog, this may be a way to heal too. Love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteI understand this so well..my abuser has been roaming free..God only knows what he has done..they never have just one victim..this is partially why I am still afraid today.. even though I am an adult I still fear his freedom as a child....you'd think in 2011 there would be a stop to the abuse that goes on...but it seems all the education out there and it still continues..victims are still there and still silenced.....Hang in there my friend..I love you... As always...XOXOXOXOXO
ReplyDeleteJan, I am still in daze and trembling like a dried leaf!Yes,it is the same all over the world. Evil forces are out to corrupt our mankind and sometimes I want to leave this rotten world.
ReplyDelete-PORTIA
@ Alpana; Thank you so much. I wish I could explain properly what is in my head. Thank you for your support and prayers.
ReplyDelete@ Janu; Thank you.
@ Bongo; I understand your fear. Up until my grandfather died I felt that I couldn't breath. fortunately(a horrible thing to say really), He died when I was in my late 20's and never saw my children. After that I was able to breath and scratch the surface a bit on my own recovery. Thank you for everything you do.<3<3<3
Portia; Thank you for your support, I am so sorry that I made you fearful with my words. Most of mankind are good, this much I have learned through the years as well, some are evil, some complacent, that is what makes me sad. The unaware, the ones who believe it is not possible to happen in their family.In general though people are good and want to live right. look at all of you who are supporting me.<3<3<3
ReplyDeleteVery good question...You've been on my mind a lot lately. Keep questioning and seeking freedom! I have no frickin idea why some things happen, as long as I live I will NEVER, ever accept or believe that everything happens for a reason but what I do believe that GOODNESS can beat evil. For so many years my memories held me captive and fear kept me a prisioner. Those memories will always take up space but I refuse to give them all of me. I will no longer allow fear or the bondage that holds me to my past be my Master. YOU ARE A STRONG AND COURAGEOUS WOMAN YOU ARE A STRONG AND COURAGEOUS WOMAN YOU ARE A STRONG AND COURAGEOUS WOMAN...
ReplyDeleteThis breaks my heart. So many of us have been sexually abused and it is awful. I can understand why you are hurt and angry and sad. You didn't commit the acts or have any real knowledge of them so don't beat yourself up. He alone is to blame. Blessings to you and your family.
ReplyDeletehttp://lyricfire.typepad.com/lyric-fire/2011/11/lyric-fire-turkey-ice-cream.html
Jan, I am so proud of you for posting about this. It enrages me to see pedophiles fly below the radar in spite of reports from children that they are being abused.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many abusers out there that it's staggering. Thank you for posting this, and please please please do not feel guilty in ANY WAY! You too are a victim of this beasts crimes. I'll be praying for you and all the families who were hurt by this monster.
XO
Leah
Amy, thank you so much for your encouragement and support. I am getting there, the anger is new again, I have to get turned around in order to get things in prospective again.
ReplyDelete@ Tameka, thank you I am grateful for your support, and acknowledgement as I am from all who posted here.
@ Leah, Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. <3
O! Thats a very sad story....u alwys bring such grave issues to our notice....my blessings fr u Jan!! Smile...God Bless U!!
ReplyDeleteLove
Mani
You are a very strong woman Jan, I keep telling you that. And to write this must have taken a lot. But I am glad you wrote about it, at least it is out of your chest. Love you
ReplyDeleteJan, Writing is healing, so don't stop blogging and sharing halves the burdens.Thanks for sharing and enlightening us.Keep writing and be strong.
ReplyDelete@ Mani; I so much wish that I could be blind to the sadness sometimes. Thank you.
ReplyDelete@ Rimly; Thank you so much <3<3<3
@ Sulekha; Thank you. <3<3<3
Oh gosh. I am truly sorry I haven't been here right at that moment to comfort you and send you my love.
ReplyDeleteI truly wish you'd stay with your blogging and stick to writing your emotions. You might not know that it heals you as it does for me too.
Sometimes I do find it heavy to face certain situations over and read them in different people's lives.
We are victims BUT we are strong and we survive Jan.I saw your dilemma and I felt it. It's the exact feelings my mother had saying 'if she only knew,' she could've stopped it sooner.
And I could've stopped it sooner even for the kids I assisted when I was a young missionary.
ALL MY LOVE AND HUGS FOR YOU JAN...know that I am ever near spiritually...
Melissa I am so sorry I just saw this reply, I so appreciate you telling me this. Sometimes it is more difficult than I can tell you to continue with this or any blog. Even the photos are hard.
ReplyDeleteI know that you have a heart of gold and would any and all to protect and love any one in your charge. Thank you for all of your kind and loving words.