Monday, October 4, 2010

The legacy that I have written about in past blogs is still weighing on my mind; I must continue to write. My story starts long before I was born,with my father's father. I don't know his story; only the pain that he put on our family.
my father was very frightened of this man, so much so that in adulthood he moved 2000 miles away from him; only to be later followed.
this man told my father at ten if he had time for boy scouts he had time to work. Daddy went to work and had to give 95% of his pay to the man he called dad for room and board. At one point in his teen years Dad was 10 min. late on his curfew, this man hit him hard enough to knock him down the stairs, he was never checked on, but left to lay for the rest of the night.
He was a child and had no rights.
Another incident was this man "accidentally" put a pitch fork through my father's hand, he was only a boy, 8 or 9 I believe. There are many more incidents, but suffice it to say he was a very mean and angry man. I have no idea if he sexually abused my father.
I do know that he sexually abused me from the time I was in the cradle until I was 14 yrs. old. the details of this abuse are not to be written here.
When confronted with this issue,(he was caught by my mother) my father blamed me. As an adult I understand that his fear of his father caused the blame.
The intimidation my father's father used on me was severe and intense, more damaging by far than the physical abuse. He threatened to kill my mother, told me my father would never believe a little slut like me. Worse yet if I didn't do it with him he would make my sister. I was 5 when this started or I remember from when I was 5. My sister was nearly 6 years older than I and loved my grandmother they had much in common. I never told her what was happening to me, not until much much later. I hated my father for this for many years and believed he couldn't possibly love me, how could he and let this happen. My mother; I understood even then was in too much fear to help, there was no where to go for help in those times. My father's mother did not like my mother and tried her best to make me not like her . while she was teaching my sister the ins and out of art, she sat me down with paint and a brush and said "so do it." I think she knew what my father's father was doing and also blamed me. I never remember her saying anything positive about my mother.
my father's father died with out ever meeting my children; my father's mother died when I was 13, my father died 22 yrs. ago.
my mother and I have renewed our relationship and done a lot of healing.
I am no longer angry at my father or his, or his mother...not for what they did to me.
I find myself wondering how many other little girls and boys this man damaged though, and I think of the damage his abuse caused my children and I start to get angry again. I have forgiven him, I had to, I did not want to be controlled by this any longer.
I do not blame him for my choices, I accept that I continued the cycle, no matter how unintentional. No I have never sexually or physically abused anyone.
Emotionally I have however damaged people because of my own abuse.

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