Tuesday, February 8, 2011

More on the young one.

 There are things about Kenny that no one really knows. Like how he stopped me from dying over and over when I was at my blackest. How he understood what was happening to me and let me be. Kenny has a heart that could stop a freight train headed towards me or any one of his siblings. He has been an integral part of my growing, having to recognize that you are less than a good mother, and even farther yet from being a perfect mother is hard to come to terms with. When he was about 10 years old he informed me that it wasn't my fault, that it was the way he was and no body could change it. I tried to disprove this to no avail. One of his favorite things to say to me when I judged his behavior was," I didn't ask to be here ya know." I realize this is a cop out, rationalization for him for poor behavior; at the same time it always hit me in the heart and he knew it. I was easy to manipulate because I was guilty. My behavior was little better than his, I just didn't put it on the front page. I tryed, how how tried in my wishy washy way to help this baby of mine. I still don't know where the answers lie, but I do have a direction to go in. My greatest fear is that I will have to bury him; most of his best friends are dead now or incarcerated long term. He has always been self destructive and as he has gotten older more and more of his negative actions are toward himself. Some times when I see him there is a spark of life in his eyes, most times not. I miss the tender loving Kenny that I know is in there some where, the loyal boy whose smile could make a whole room smile. Will I ever see him again? I pray for that . I pray for him to have peace, I pray that instead of words he will seek action. I have many children, I love them all and take pride in their achievements and the changes they have been able to make in their lives , far and away from the squaller  I raised them in. They are smart loving adults with children of their own now. Well most of them have kids. Kenny is in pain, pain mom has never been able to take away.

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