Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The youngest one part 2
He never believed that I knew how he was feeling and the tension in his heart. He is starting to a little. I recognize the look of emptiness in his eyes; I've seen it many times before; in the mirror. I know first hand the heaviness on the chest, the fear raging through your veins, I saw it in his eyes. As he got older he understood my illnesses better than his own. I can not tell you how many times he stopped me from running, how many times he helped me to be there for the others. I have spoken to the rest of them little about this. I shared the negative; I was afraid. Afraid they would think less of me? How could they? I drank with Kenny, I did drugs with him, I enabled him and he enabled me. We had a good thing going. We thought we did.
I was willing to do these things with him because I did not know how not too! I tried the no drinking in the house, quickly realizing I could never stick to it. Didn't feel it was "fair" to ask him not to drink when I was. Never mind that he was 15. He and I traveled a lot of roads together I pulling him, he pulling me. we fell in canyons of despair, flew on clouds of joy. He was my best friend for quite some time. Sadly this was not the right thing to do; obviously. However it is the truth. No body else in this world could evoke my emotions as this child could, anger, joy, disgust, fear, rage, oh he could touch all off. Suddenly I realized how pathetic I was and how I helped Kenny to become what he is. I tried oh how I tried to get us help. Now I have accomplished quite a bit of growth, I am not who I used to be. Kenny said something the last time I saw him. He said "Mom you went and changed the rules on me; give me time to catch up." Thus telling me he knew that I was no longer his friend but his mother. He said he understood the why's and wherefores , but he feels lost even more. I told him to work on getting help, he said," nah ,I love my alcohol" I can only pray now, that he chooses to live, not to die lonely ,scared and angry.