Tuesday, March 8, 2011


As I sit here I am over-whelmed by feelings of sadness. The pain is insurmountable, no relief in sight. I have my moments of joy, I am grateful for those. I try to stay focused on the good in life and I love people that take the time to know how it is with me.

I am sad for Rebecca and Noah, sad for all they are going through, the disdain of people who do not have a clue what is happening , the ones who judge and would have given up months ago. I want to hurt some one when I hear the things that are said to them and about them.How many times are the supposed to listen to things like, "It is time for you to start thinking of Henry's care." this from a health professional. The pain and suffering of Henry is devastating for me and I am not with him 24 hours a day; I truly don't know how they do it. Henry is a loving gentle child with a smile that could win the heart of the coldest person on earth. His parents and siblings give so much of their lives for his well being and love him unconditionally. Not that they don't have bad days, they do, it is difficult to maintain a stable level of life when you are constantly thrown into a tornado of new needs and decisions that mean life or death to your child.

Kenny has seen fit to not be in my life at all for the moment; I guess I should take this for what it is and appreciate the peace it brings to my household. Instead I am concerned and worry if I will ever see him alive again. It doesn't help to see Mr. Sheen destroying his life while we watch, the same disease as Kenny has, on full view every day for me to watch. I wish I could cry.

I have a mad desire to take my mother and disappear, strangest thing ever.

I haven't addressed my own issues in quite some time and they are starting to nudge at me and push me to deal. I don't want too, it hurts to much to look at them. Everything is in a box, I want it to stay there. I don't want to remember, I don't want to feel it. I know if I don't, I can't truly help the ones I need to be there for, at the same time, if I take the time to look at "the stuff", I will not be there for a time anyway. I have no guide to help me through the mire, I am afraid to go it alone.