Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Alone in my cave

 The pain is always there; it doesn't matter what I do or where I go; the weight is horrendous the fear all encompassing. I talk, I play, I love and I laugh. The pain resides deep within where no one can see. I try to pretend it is gone that my feelings are normal, that I will be normal. Sadness and fear prevail when I close my eyes.

Night mares of horrific things, blood, screams and tears. It is always there. can be anything the time of year, I hate summer. Christmas is just wrong, I can't go anywhere without the smell it is always with me. wafting and swirling all around nauseating and putrid. I have difficulty with letting go, I do , then shit there it is again. I used to throw big rocks at my walls and listen to incredibly loud angry music. Now I sit in the dark silence and do nothing attempting to empty my mind. Anger is not at issue any longer. A void and a numbness is what I feel or don't feel. I run run run getting no where but exhausted. I wake in  a cold sweat from feeling an unwanted hand sneak under the covers, to fearful to move, pretend to  be asleep. Realize it was a dream it makes no difference the adrenaline is racing the panic is real.

I don't sleep at night much fear is to strong, I fill my mind with the joys I have in my life and try to breath. The cats cuddle, purr, show love to a wound up girl, wondering what is wrong. Sometimes I think I could still be violent if I had the strength, thankfully I no longer do.

My heart hurts, I want the pain to go away, I have learned to live and deal with tremendous physical pain why can't I cope with this. Just leave me alone; alone in my cave. I don't want to be told to fix it, I have tried, I don't want to be told It's ridiculous that I still have this inside; I don't need more guilt. Some days I think I am over it others I am like a functioning drunk, going through the motions, accomplishing little.

I can't go on, I'm going to fall, I can feel myself tipping. I crawl back to my cave away from the edge, into my warren of safety where no one can see. Darkness and silence, silence and darkness.

I will put a mask on for you, it is not your fault, my feelings are my own I can't make you hurt too as you would if I shared what is inside. Don't take the blame, don't feel as though you must change it in me. You cannot, although I know your love, my pain remains.

*Images thanks to google search


  1. Well said Jan. Nothing seems to erase such things but we do go on, and some days are easier than others. Others caring doesn't take it away, but I think it does help coping and surviving seem worth something. (again, some days more than others) Thanks for sharing this. I hear you.

  2. Thanks Brent. it does help to know friends care, coping is better today than yesterday...tomorrow we will see.