Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Alone in my cave

 The pain is always there; it doesn't matter what I do or where I go; the weight is horrendous the fear all encompassing. I talk, I play, I love and I laugh. The pain resides deep within where no one can see. I try to pretend it is gone that my feelings are normal, that I will be normal. Sadness and fear prevail when I close my eyes.

Night mares of horrific things, blood, screams and tears. It is always there. Triggers....it can be anything the time of year, I hate summer. Christmas is just wrong, I can't go anywhere without the smell it is always with me. wafting and swirling all around nauseating and putrid. I have difficulty with letting go, I do , then shit there it is again. I used to throw big rocks at my walls and listen to incredibly loud angry music. Now I sit in the dark silence and do nothing attempting to empty my mind. Anger is not at issue any longer. A void and a numbness is what I feel or don't feel. I run run run getting no where but exhausted. I wake in  a cold sweat from feeling an unwanted hand sneak under the covers, to fearful to move, pretend to  be asleep. Realize it was a dream it makes no difference the adrenaline is racing the panic is real.

I don't sleep at night much fear is to strong, I fill my mind with the joys I have in my life and try to breath. The cats cuddle, purr, show love to a wound up girl, wondering what is wrong. Sometimes I think I could still be violent if I had the strength, thankfully I no longer do.

My heart hurts, I want the pain to go away, I have learned to live and deal with tremendous physical pain why can't I cope with this. Just leave me alone; alone in my cave. I don't want to be told to fix it, I have tried, I don't want to be told It's ridiculous that I still have this inside; I don't need more guilt. Some days I think I am over it others I am like a functioning drunk, going through the motions, accomplishing little.

I can't go on, I'm going to fall, I can feel myself tipping. I crawl back to my cave away from the edge, into my warren of safety where no one can see. Darkness and silence, silence and darkness.

I will put a mask on for you, it is not your fault, my feelings are my own I can't make you hurt too as you would if I shared what is inside. Don't take the blame, don't feel as though you must change it in me. You cannot, although I know your love, my pain remains.









*Images thanks to google search

2 comments:

  1. Well said Jan. Nothing seems to erase such things but we do go on, and some days are easier than others. Others caring doesn't take it away, but I think it does help coping and surviving seem worth something. (again, some days more than others) Thanks for sharing this. I hear you.

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  2. Thanks Brent. it does help to know friends care, coping is better today than yesterday...tomorrow we will see.

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