Tuesday, May 3, 2011

All over the Place. A bit about Kenny too!

 I apologize in advance, my thoughts are very disorganized.

I have been having a time of it this last week or so. My anxieties are at full tilt, my anger and frustration running rampant The causes, well to be honest, people that re-arrange history in order to not look at themselves and their responsibilities is a large part of it. Some of it is organic, I can't sleep or think again, I'm exhausted all the time. I removed most of the garbage from my diet, I am exercising regularly again. I am doing what I can to combat the emotional roller-coaster, doesn't seem to help.

I have had Kenny in my home for almost 2 weeks and he was doing very well. His language has changed some, which means he was not dumbing himself down. He talked of the steps he needed to take to protect his sobriety and achieve his goal of getting the medications he needs. Sadly, tragically, he didn't make it. He left here and went to a "trigger" place for him, got drunk,  ended up in jail again. He has a new assault charge and coercion charge. I could see him getting wound up, knew it wouldn't be long, he knew it too. The only way he can get the help he needs is to have a new evaluation, even at the low cost place it is to much for him or even me to pay. I am incredibly sad for him, he so wants to be different and simply doesn't know how. I have been there, I know how that feels. For the first time he was talking of recovery without being prompted by threat of incarceration.

I took Kenny over to my mama's and he pressure washed her mobile while my nieces his girlfriend, and I took care of the yard, my mama was so appreciative, fixed him lunch, had a conversation with him and said thank you a thousand times. She has not wanted to speak to him in years and hasn't let him in her house. This was a huge step for him. She could see the sincerity in his eyes.

I had a small family gathering this last week end, lots of babies, 4 of them and the young parents to go with them. I had a wonderful time. Kenny, Randy and my son Tim cleaned up a bunch of garbage in the yard and the girls and I planted bulbs, we also ate a lot of food. The next day I participated in a trash pick up community service outing that my granddaughter organized, I had a great time with that as well.

So tell me why am I hurting so badly, why can't I just be happy with what I have? Why am I so damned sad all the time. The nightmares come, no matter how my daytime life is going. Lately they have been angrier and more traumatizing than I can remember them ever being. I wake up and am prepared to flee. Jumping out of bed to get dressed to go, go anywhere and do, do anything so I don't have to think about the terror of the night.

Then I have people trying to tell me my memories are wrong;  that is not the way it happened, it was me that was the bad child, sister, mother and wife. What the hell is that about. I know what happened I was there. I remember the fist in my face, I remember the smells, I remember being threatened with my mother's life, I remember the voice that told me no one would believe me, my father would hate me. I remember the hands that held me while I struggled, I remember it all.


  1. Jan this is heart wrenching. People who accuse of being a bad child, sister, mother and wife are people who have the lack in them. You know what you are and as long as you hold on that belief, nobody can touch you. I am sorry to hear about Kenny. I know you had a nice time with him in house. We all have our destiny to follow and I hope his turns around for a better one. xoxo

  2. Thank you Rimly, I do know who I am now and who I have been. No one can change my history. Thank you for the support.

  3. Jan - The voices in our head are always harder to silence than our present reality.....You are a brave woman - one who is willing to work on the past and make choices for the present that are not affected by it. Sorry to hear about Kenny...and praying that he makes it out of this...

  4. Thank you corinne. My solace in this is that I know I am not alone.

  5. Hello Jan:

    My best wishes for you that you can find your way our of this trap that you are in. So much tension and irritation is not good.

    You have probably been lured into the therapy, drug game by a lot of careless ones. Just a sign of the times.

    Come visit my blog. I have a combination of inspirational and dealing with the sad realities of life. I was very unhappy & angry when I was young, but now still have unpleasantness and irritations (just part of the human experience), but more calmness and an ability to seee reality, yet create my own emotional and mental states.

    I wish you every happiness in life. Calm down and if you live in the Northwest, find time to be alone out in natural quiet places near water and trees. This will give you a new energy...pine forests are especially calming.

    My kindest and best wishes,