Monday, April 18, 2011

Positive & Kenny (two words rarely put together)

Here we go again, Jan being positive. I have spent the last 2 days with my son, Kenny. It has been a good time, and a much needed break for him. I won't allow him at my home if he has been drinking or is "coming down" from a binge, he followed those boundaries. Yesterday he and his girl helped me clean my house, and put together a bedroom for the little ones that visit. Hung out and watched movies. Today we did yard work, worked on my car a bit, he fixed my lawnmower, rather figured out what was wrong with it, I have to by parts of course. I got to see all of his best qualities. This my friends is a huge blessing for me.

He has at times stretched it to the limits and that may be tomorrow, but for now we both have the good memories of the last 2 days to keep us going, for me to keep my faith. Unusual for him, was that he did not ask for a single thing, no cigarettes, no ride, no soda...nothing. I couldn't be more pleasantly surprised, this is not his normal behavior.

He talked of his illnesses and how they have affected his life. Kenny has among other things Narcissistic rage syndrome,anti social personality disorder , and several other disorders, some more sever than others. It has been a long journey, every 2 days I have with him like today makes all the work we've done worth it. Tomorrow he could go back and be taken over by all the depression and anxiety that he has lived with for 28 yrs. He wants to be normal, doesn't know how to be and doesn't seem to be able to finish the work he starts, to get that way. He lives in the streets mostly , manages to survive, he is miserable, self medicates with alcohol, destroys his minuscule self -esteem. He has delusions of grandeur, that he doesn't really believe, dreams of being something other than sick someday.

          this is the note and a picture Kenny sent me
           from prison in 2005.

My help for him, has been to get my self healthy,to  have  healthy relationships in my life.  There are a lot of people who I vented too in the past that can't or won't see my growth and strength in dealing with him and what he does. He can still push my buttons, it is the design of our relationship. The difference now is that I don't fear him, or engage in a power struggle. These people that won't see are for the most part, not a part of my life, just as beating Kenny's ass would not help him 7, neither would  withdrawal of my love now. He put me through hell, but at the time I was not a model mother either. We have established solid groundwork and will proceed from here. He is my child and I refuse to give up. I have visited him in jail, prison, the hospital, all kinds of programs, and today in my home.
                                                                                              Kenny and I, 27 yrs. ago.
There are many faces of Kenny and each person he knows sees a different one. I like the one that was here, he is a nice young man. I love him.


  1. Your child is your child and your love is your love.
    His Mother is you and his Love is your Love.


  2. it hurst as a parent to see the pain that the child goes through. You are his world and Love.

  3. Every day we watch our children suffer some degree of anguish and pain. Our love is unconditional and never-ending. A child knowing that can pull through anything if their desire and will is strong enough within :)

  4. How encouraging you all are, if I can feel the love, maybe he can too! Thank you all so much. <3<3<3

  5. I know and knew that you are such a caring Mom and would never give up on your kids no matter what. In turn your kids also knew and know that. No matter what happens or happened they are still flesh and blood and will always be a part of you. Parenting and love can't be turned off no matter who you are. I still think about all of you everyday.

  6. Thank you Julie, I think of you often too, and even though I have been absentee, I still love those babies and you so very much. It has been a long road but isn't everyone's? <3

  7. Jan,
    He is lucky to have you as a Mom. You are lucky too, a child is always precious, even when we aren't liking them at the moment. Keep up the good work, My best, Tim

  8. I have a son too and I can never give up on him no matter. I know they can push your buttons and I think we all mothers can never abandon them. I am glad you spent two days with a different Kenny. God bless.

  9. Jan - Thank you for sharing this. I'm glad you had a window in to the real Kenny and pray that his healing continues........

  10. Thank you for all your support everyone. I am a little overwhelmed I think. I have been a long time trying to find the right place to be. I think I'm getting there. <3<3<3 XOXO