Awareness

I have spent the last week or so in personal introspection. I have learned a lot from my friends here in the blogosphere, not the least of which is that I am worthwhile.
Last night I had an episode, for lack of better word I guess. This was a physical happening. I had no idea what was going on and it scared me enough to get me to the doctor, not something I am likely to do. As it turns out they know something is wrong, but they don't know what is causing it for sure. Probably a medication thing. My pulse rate was extremely low and my blood pressure high. I am on medication for the blood pressure; I was very frightened for a minute.
What this did was make me examine once more what I am doing with my life. I have decided that I am growing and learning everyday. I have learned to forgive myself and to go forward from there, I have learned to forgive others and protect myself when I must. I am slowly learning to trust, people are starting to trust me.
I realized I am still lousy with money, something I truly need to work on, first I need to learn to care about it.
I am not nearly as full of excuses for myself or others, I don't spend near as much time justifying actions of myself or others, I don't feel the need to explain myself every single time I screw up. I am always going to screw up, it is who I am. I strive to be better and less flighty, that is enough. I work hard on myself.
As to what I have accomplished in my life, I have loved and been loved, I am overcoming some huge traumas, I have helped others overcome theirs, I managed to raise 5 kids nearly on my own into adulthood, I have 10 beautiful grandkids, and one beautiful mother who considers me her friend. I have a couple lifetime friends whom I love and who love me. I quit chasing the bad boys and fell in love with a man who treats me with the respect I deserve. There are many other things I have accomplished.
I am still hurting like hell over the temporary loss of my son, but I know one way or the other I will see him again. I know that I am finally doing the right thing where he is concerned.
I know when I am gone the tides will still change, the waves will still roar and the sand will still sustain an unseen world.
I also know that I will leave a mark and I have changed things in my small way for the better on this place we call earth.

I go back to the doctor on Tuesday and we will see what he has to say, I am still concerned as to what is going on, I have not felt this way before. The symptoms include total and complete exhaustion, fatigue, partial blindness at times, I feel as though everything is surreal. These are but a few of the things I have been feeling. Doctor seems to think it is meds, he ran an ekg and all was fine and took a bunch of blood like I said we will see.
In the mean time, I have been reminded once more to live my life to the fullest and quit sweating the small stuff.
If this makes no sense I apologize, You have all been with me through so much that I wanted you to know I am not up to par yet, one of the largest symptoms I have is the sleepiness, literally falling asleep every 2 hrs. or so.

On a different note I want to mention the contest on Blognostics: http://blognostics.net/blognostics-for-jens-sakes-pinktober/ go here to check it out. It is all about BREAST CANCER AWARENESS something everyone needs to participate in.

I have watched cancer take the lives of 3 close family members in the last few years, early detection might have saved their lives. Be aware.