Friday, September 30, 2011


I have spent the last week or so in personal introspection. I have learned a lot from my friends here in the blogosphere, not the least of which is that I am worthwhile.
Last night I had an episode, for lack of better word I guess. This was a physical happening. I had no idea what was going on and it scared me enough to get me to the doctor, not something I am likely to do. As it turns out they know something is wrong, but they don't know what is causing it for sure. Probably a medication thing. My pulse rate was extremely low and my blood pressure high. I am on medication for the blood pressure; I was very frightened for a minute.
What this did was make me examine once more what I am doing with my life. I have decided that I am growing and learning everyday. I have learned to forgive myself and to go forward from there, I have learned to forgive others and protect myself when I must. I am slowly learning to trust, people are starting to trust me.
I realized I am still lousy with money, something I truly need to work on, first I need to learn to care about it.
I am not nearly as full of excuses for myself or others, I don't spend near as much time justifying actions of myself or others, I don't feel the need to explain myself every single time I screw up. I am always going to screw up, it is who I am. I strive to be better and less flighty, that is enough. I work hard on myself.
As to what I have accomplished in my life, I have loved and been loved, I am overcoming some huge traumas, I have helped others overcome theirs, I managed to raise 5 kids nearly on my own into adulthood, I have 10 beautiful grandkids, and one beautiful mother who considers me her friend. I have a couple lifetime friends whom I love and who love me. I quit chasing the bad boys and fell in love with a man who treats me with the respect I deserve. There are many other things I have accomplished.
I am still hurting like hell over the temporary loss of my son, but I know one way or the other I will see him again. I know that I am finally doing the right thing where he is concerned.
I know when I am gone the tides will still change, the waves will still roar and the sand will still sustain an unseen world.
I also know that I will leave a mark and I have changed things in my small way for the better on this place we call earth.
I go back to the doctor on Tuesday and we will see what he has to say, I am still concerned as to what is going on, I have not felt this way before. The symptoms include total and complete exhaustion, fatigue, partial blindness at times, I feel as though everything is surreal. These are but a few of the things I have been feeling. Doctor seems to think it is meds, he ran an ekg and all was fine and took a bunch of blood like I said we will see.
In the mean time, I have been reminded once more to live my life to the fullest and quit sweating the small stuff.
If this makes no sense I apologize, You have all been with me through so much that I wanted you to know I am not up to par yet, one of the largest symptoms I have is the sleepiness, literally falling asleep every 2 hrs. or so.

On a different note I want to mention the contest on Blognostics: go here to check it out. It is all about BREAST CANCER AWARENESS something everyone needs to participate in.

I have watched cancer take the lives of 3 close family members in the last few years, early detection might have saved their lives. Be aware.    


  1. Jan, I know you’ll get better. I have hope…

    Hope is the thing with feathers
    That perches in the soul,
    And sings the tune--without the words,
    And never stops at all…

    And I have faith…

    Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.

  2. Thank you Debra, I get angry too when I am not well, that really doesn't help any. I found it ironic that last week I took mom to the doctor and this week I had to have my daughter in law take me. argh, I hate being dependent. Thank you so much for the encouragement.

  3. Be strong. You are an inspiration. Love and Hugs.

  4. It seems like your week of introspection has been good for you. You appear to have arrived at a stage of self-knowledge and acceptance. I hope your health issues are due to your medication and can be easily solved. Take care of yourself.

  5. It seems like you are on the right path..number one is to take care of yourself and it seems you are doing that....the rest will find it's place...I love you always...XOXOXOXO

  6. What an incredible post this is. You have reminded me of what we all need to be life to its fullest! We sometimes get so caught up on little stuff, that the rest of our life...what is really important...just passes us by. Thank you for your honesty in your writing. I hope that the docs find out what is wrong and that it is just a simple fix of your meds :)

  7. @ Janu: Thank you for being here.
    @ Hocam: Thank you, yes I am learning all the time.
    @ Bongo: It comes in waves, waves of the mind flow with the tide receding at times. Today I am good with me, tomorrow who knows. I love you too! <3<3<3
    @ Mary: Thank you, everyday is a special one when you take the time to notice. Having the little ones near is very helpful in remembering that. They are always discovering something cool.
    @ Everyone, I am sure my health issues will pass and it will be simple, thank you all for your concern and good wishes.

  8. You are traveling a journey, one of which can be scary at times. This post is so honest and true from your heart. Thank you for sharing it.

  9. Your introspection got me soul searching, too, as I read your post. Hope you'll get better soon! Take care!


  10. @ Anna Thank you Anna, how else to be but honest.
    @ Irene, Thank you, glad I could give the push.

  11. Jan - Sorry to hear about your episode..I do hope your taking rest and that the docs give you a clean chit on Tuesday.
    Great post, I love the way you are growing in to such a positive phase of your life. You are a loving, giving woman and need to enjoy being you.

  12. Thank you Corinne, I am sure I will be fine, I feel better already, I did get quite a scare though and more tests are in the offing. The fatigue makes physical exercise difficult and the weight gain is depressing and harmful. My heart wont change though and that is what I count on. Thank you for reading and for the encouragement. <3

  13. nice to see introspection has no start and no end. very thoughtful remarks. what blessings you do have and to hold.

    peace and healing.

  14. Thank you Jennifer, you are right I have many blessings.