Saturday, November 19, 2011

Abuse Never Goes Away (Trigger Warning)

I think that I have been ignoring my own issues just a little to long, the issues I speak of are the aftermath of an abusive childhood and a trail of abusive people I have left behind.

Sometimes it feels like I am an observer looking in at the life I used to lead, Others it is as if I am still in it. I have worked hard, loving myself was not something that came easy to me and even now I have my doubts as to whether I actually do or not. I have horrible dreams, dreams of horrific events. Not necessarily connected to abuse. They feel like anxieties I may have, magnified by a 100% or more. When I try to actually "talk" and not write about the abuse I suffered as a child, I find it incredibly difficult, the terror in my heart is physical, I shake, my jaw locks so that I can't speak, sweat pours down my face. Yet I try. I can talk a bit with my mother and my husband but mostly I come at it sideways. Speaking only of the pain and fear, not in specific terms. I have told my story here but never truly have verbalized it. I am beginning to feel that unless I do, I will never be able to truly let go. Recently I have been having episodes of phantom smells wafting past my nose, sending me into an immediate panic,  my skin turns white, I tremble and must sit down so that I do not collapse. I don't understand. My feeling is that it is time for me to take another step in my healing, always when I think I have mastered it.

One of the things I think it is so important to get across to people that want to help, is that if it was a single rape, a series of rapes, physical abuse, sexual abuse, long term grooming that has been done and incest that occurred. No matter when it started and ended whether it was a day or years, it never ever goes away, ever.  It is something you live with day in and day out. Granted some days are better than others, no matter how much healing you do or how much therapy you receive it is always there. It becomes less, then suddenly it is back to haunt you. You can learn coping skills that will work today, but will not work tomorrow. The key is recognizing the symptoms when it does happen, reaching out, telling someone who loves you AND understands that it is beyond your control. People get tired of hearing the "same old story" believing that you are being over dramatic, after attention, even using it as an excuse. Please believe me when I say that for the most part with most people I have talked to, this could not be further from the truth. It takes an immense amount of courage for most to speak the unspeakable, to friends, lovers or family, then to have your feelings belittled makes it even more difficult to heal. It must be remembered that many people were not believed in the first place when they tried to reveal the "secret" in the first place. Many females take it out on themselves and never recover,  suicide or suicidal ideation is a happening as is promiscuity, drug abuse, alcohol abuse or any other self abuse you can think of . I can not tell you of the results on males as I am a woman and have not talked much to men with my kind of history although I know it is prevalent. Some abused people also grow up to be abusers, I chose to stop the abuse cycle in our family with myself, Although I was not aware enough on how to protect my children from others, I never abused them myself and did my damnedest to protect them to the best of my then ability. I had no idea that seeing me abused was as bad as their being abused would be. Please always listen it someone wants to talk to you about any abuse they have ever had, you could change their life as you have mine.

That being said, I must talk a little more of my own story, I have a memory that is recurring recently I want to share it with you and maybe I can let go.

Me in third grade.
My grandparents often stayed at, what is now called an R.V. park some 17 miles from our home when they came to visit. It had a ship museum, a rec hall and a playground with tall curvy slides and tall swing sets. This park was on the ocean. The playground was lit up at night with big spotlights, today I have no idea why children would be out there after dark. Anyway mom and dad used to have me go with my grandparents and spend the day or several days at a time during the summer, I loved the swings, flying up as high as the swing would go as fast as I could pump my little legs, I played on the slide a lot too, until.. One evening grampa was sent to collect me, (I steered clear of him as much as I could), he grabbed me by the waist mid swing and pulled me off, scaring the crap out of me since he had approached from the back without a word. He continued to hold me at the waist and took me under the slide near the ladder and under the platform partially hidden from view, (you would have to look to see), he jerked his pants down and told me to get him hard, then put him in my mouth. He had a hold of my hair, I had no choice, the threats  were such that I would even if he hadn't held me down. He would kill my mother you see, I believed he would. He held my face on him with great brutality,  by this time in my life I no longer gagged or vomited, pulling my head back and forth until finally he shoved me back and spread his seed all over my face. Then he pulled his pants up and without a word shoved me back to the pavement and shoved me down on to my knees, skinning them badly, I had scabs for days.) Then made me go into the bathroom to clean him and myself including my knees. The skinned knees were his excuse to my grandmother for my tears. I was about 8 I think, by then I was so conditioned that I rarely if ever showed any sign of what was happening to me. I was groomed from birth to listen to him and not betray him. I thought that he loved me, I thought that I was bad, I thought my mother and sister would die and my father would hate me. He was right about dad, he never did believe me. I can still smell that place.

I hope I have not offended anyone I hope you have learned something, I hope one person can be helped. Thank you. <3Jan

This is me at about a year old I think, although I looked happy enough and a little wild, I was being abused even then. I can't imagine perpetrating that kind of pain on a child. Yet I know that it happens over and over again, all over the world, please help me stop it, become aware, tell some one if it is you, please. No one deserves this.


  1. You are right Jan,no one deserves this kind of pain..I am really sorry to read this,I wish the pain would go away,but I guess some scars are there to last you a life time..Sometimes things happen in our lives that tear us apart inside, but if we don't learn to look past them and see the sun shining above the clouds, we will forever be standing in the rain.I know its easy to say such things..but I really wish I could hug you right now,take care of yourself,and my wishes and prayers are always with you.

  2. Thank you Alpana, I appreciate your hugs and prayers so very much.I will be alright, I see light inthe midst of the dark. <3

  3. You have gone through so much and I can understand that being abused the scars always remain. Anything can trigger of those horrific memories. But you have come a long way fighting your way out of that hell and I admire and respect your courage and tenacity. God bless you Jan. Love you

  4. Lots of positive healing, prayers and love to you. You have spoken about it and come out stronger, be brave, god bless.

  5. You are strong. I cannot even phantom the pain, both mental and physical, that you have gone through.
    Love, hugs and prayers to you.

  6. O jan!! Forget all this..u have taken out a brave topic v outrageously!!

    Just chuck it!! Its nice u write abt it,,u must have felt light!!

    God Bless U

  7. To have gone through all that pain and stop the cycle is truly a miracle! You are stronger than most people and it takes alot to share something so horrifying but it does begin the process of healing. You will be in prayers and I am hope one day soon it will not haunt you anymore!

  8. Jan, this touched me! No child should go through this. I cannot even begin to understand what sick person would do this to a child. I am so happy that you are reaching out to help other people. You are in my prayers and I pray that the horrible dreams will go away! xxxxx

  9. believe me when I say I know you're pain... to me the body memories the smells the feelins etc are the worst... right now P uses distraction with me but it doesn't always work... I GAT IT, and just know i am here....XOXOXXO AS always....XOXOXOXOXO

  10. That is so true ,no one should ever be subjected to any kind of abuse be it physical or mental, especially children I cannot begin to understand what you must've gone through, I am so sorry that you had to go through this pain, and pray that your you will always have the strength to heal , and reach out , you are a wonderful human being,and a great asset to the world , God Bless you and always keep you safe XXXXXXX Anna Romano

  11. your account left me numb! But we girls are always abused in some or other form and we are conditioned to sweep such things under the carpet.Whenever I opened my mouth to tell about my hurts I was always immediately sermonized to forget it and move ahead. The response to my recent article 'The Struggle Within' on my blog was on similar predictable lines.Yes, you are right, that wound never heals.

  12. It makes me cry when I read about how people, children have suffered at the hands of those that should love and protect them from anything. It must be so hard to write and share these intimate memories but also if it helps then I can understand that it is worth the pain. You are incredibly courageous oxoxox

  13. To all of you loving and cherished people I say thank you so very much! I have not much strength today, I am trying to climb out of a canyon at the moment. So I say thank you,Rimly, Suluka, Janu, Mani, Mystic190,Nelieta,Bongo,Anna,Portia, and SJ you are all very wonderfully supportive.

  14. My only words for you are ....YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.....
    One needs to look inside of you to see the qualities you have...
    Love and Light

  15. I cannot wrap my brain around it...

    I am so very sorry! You are 100% spot on right -- NO child should ever be subjected to such evil...ever! It further angers me when such evil is swept under the rug...someone that turns a blind eye is equally guilty! You are a brave and courageous woman for speaking out -- may you be blessed with peace and comfort.

    I am so very proud of you for standing up and using your voice!

  16. Savira and Amy, thank you so much for your love and support. I am trying to march through a difficult time and every bit of support makes a difference.<3<3<3

  17. I have first read your story from Bonnie's page. I cry out for you.

    I understand how people would tell you it's an excuse for your behavior or to cease telling the same things over and over as if repeating the abuse itself again and again over in your mind...

    I think only those who have experienced abuse could truly grasp what is it that you feel...

    and I do Jan...I do understand. The body has more story to tell...your history is deeply embedded there.

    I have no words to comfort you...just know that I am near spiritually...embracing your pain...