Sunday, November 6, 2011

Self (where self has been)

As most of you know I have taken the last couple of weeks off. There are several reasons for this some of which I will share now as I feel it is time to come clean.

First, I was having a much more difficult time coping with the loss of my youngest son than I ever wanted to admit. I had to take some time to get my head around everything that had occurred. Also I felt it necessary to do some further pondering on the information I gleaned from the net. The conclusions I came to had to be of a factual nature and not colored by the emotions I was feeling. To that end I burrowed into the truth of Kenny's life as I knew it. The conclusions that I did come too, were not pretty, then again I don't believe him to be a future serial killer either. The facts are: delusions of grandeur, narcissistic personality disorder, anti-social personality disorder, pathological liar, Need I go on really? Suffice it to say what ever label one chooses to use; my child is far from "normal". The next part was realizing it was his disease, not mine, to practice detachment, while still loving and accepting him for who his is. This does not mean that I will have him as a part of my life. It does mean I can begin the process of forgiving myself and him.

Second, I have been physically ill, very ill, seemingly with the flu. I have never had it kick my ass quite so hard in my life. I am still not right in the head,(probably never will be,) I couldn't even talk and make sense, writing was out of the question as was taking a photograph. I know, I know, I sound like a wimp, but this one really got me. In the middle of this I also had to have a colonoscopy, well now, that was a lot of fun. In the first place my appointment was in the late afternoon, which meant I couldn't eat for almost 3 days. I was sick couldn't eat and had to drink stuff to clear the bowel, I was excited. When it was over I tried to call my ride (who was driving my car), no answer, man, what next, it seems something happened and my driver was under arrest; my car was somewhere in a parking lot. (At least it wasn't towed.) Randy of course was on the road, no where near home. I finally did get a ride, got home. My daughter came over, her husband fixed me some soup and I promptly fell asleep. The procedure itself was easy enough, the results are scary, I have yet to receive a full report, the doctor was very concerned when he talked to me after. I am assuming if it was terrible I would know by now. The waiting has been making me crazy.   What they found were 5 polyps, all removed, the instant they put the knife to me I made a $5,000 bill, more joy. Doctor seemed very concerned about one of these, just haven't heard anything yet. When I read up about the causes I went into an even deeper funk, it was my fault. They are caused by; alcohol,(which I drank daily), tobacco,(I still smoke,) obesity,( I am obese,) and lack of exercise. YIPPEE once again it is all on me.

Because of my abuse as a youngster I had much fear and anxiety going into this, it took everything I had to have it done. I feel like I have come a long way in my journey and in my healing, yet there are just some things that trigger me every time it is mentioned. Anything having to do with the rectum is a panic attack, it took me four years to be able to do this, I am so glad that I did.

Third, I have been trying to adjust to having a family of six living with my husband and I. It has been very trying for everyone, accepting and understanding all the different personalities. Helping to parent my grandchildren, as their parents try to make a recovery from the life they had chosen. Being compassionate and empathetic while keeping the boundaries in place, practicing honesty and forgiveness. Teaching by example, at times it all seems so futile, until I look into the face of one little cherub that absolutely trusts us unquestionably  to care for and protect them.

Let us not forget that Randy has been gone for all but one day of these circumstances, I have been pretty much on my own.

 This is what I have been up to in the last few weeks and will be continuing, as far as I can tell the flu is still with me, I will make a call to the doctor on Monday, the kids are here for some time yet. I will continue to work on my brain and my heart when it comes to Kenny, there is little else I can do.

Through all of this I have to also talk about the fact that I learned  that research says that people who take anti-depressants like I do, have a tendency toward sociopathy as a result of emotions being shut off or slowed down. Now isn't that just a fine how-do-ya-do...I spent hours examining myself
analyzing my every emotion and reactions to life. What I came up with is that I am not any crazier than I have ever been, I am just not as loud about it.

I did however have a few hours and days of suicidal thoughts going on, I felt so helpless and so a lone, to be honest they are recurring thoughts, I feel as though I am on a pity pot if I mention it. I am not full of self pity I simply want the pain to stop. I am not apt to do anything stupid with you folks or my family, I do reach out when I start to get mired in the muck. I am not blatant about my faith, I don't do well with religious talk, I have no right to say which is right or wrong and what works for you may not work for me. My faith is strong, is rooted in the earth herself and what she has to share with us all.  What  I have to do is open a curtain and see that.   With that said, I have made myself accountable to my dear friends and before I ever get desperate I will reach out.  Thanks for listening to my list  of woes, I hope my next post can be of cheer and laughter....<3<3<3

click to enlarge; it is a nice shot, one of my reminders of what the earth has to give.

           Photos thanks to google search and jvnphotos


  1. Jan....yet again I am left speechless... Not something you wanted to read from another.. No matter what I write... it will not bring the comfort you are seeking. Your journey is hard but I will say this you are courageous and strong...
    I offer you love and light always and of course a hug to you

  2. Savira; Thank you for your hug and words I am grateful that you would listen as I claw my way out of the abyss. I truly don't know about courageous, one does what one must, as I see it. The trick is to laugh all the way through it.

  3. Hello.
    Sometimes, it's hard to offer the right words when someone reveals their personal troubles & woes. All I will say is you are indeed extremely brave & courageous to share your trials & tribulations with us.

    If writing gives you a little peace of mind, then keep on doing it. Just remember that you are not alone & you can turn to us even if you just need a listening ear.

    I appreciate your honesty.
    Sending lots of virtual hugs.

  4. As someone reading your blog for the first time, I am overwhelmed with the many different areas where you are hurting... physical, emotional, family. The pain comes through loud and clear. I am praying for you today.

  5. you call me brave and strong and in you this is what I see.....we are bonded..and I forever love you NO MATTER WHAT....I love you...As always...XOXOXOXOX

  6. This is so intense and moving, Jan. I hope you can weather this storm and grow and love. You've given me a lot to think about today.

  7. Andy, thank you so much for the love and encouragement. I am grateful that I am not alone, that would be one more thing; I think might just break this camels back. I will reach out believe me. <3<3<3 Jan

  8. Lynne, thank you for visiting and I haope I have not scared you off. Thank you for your prayers. <3 Jan

  9. Bongo, Yes forever bonded. <3<3<3 thanks for being there always. I love you Jan <3<3<3

  10. J.R. Nova, I am sure I will weather this storm, sometimes the seas just get a little rough. Thank you for visiting and the encouragement. <3<3<3

  11. Very interesting post; hitting the right note...I am just speechless about the way you wrote it down. Shall be visiting again for more posts by you. :)

  12. A brave write by a brave writer. Your answers are there, just keep looking. Believe in the outcomes!

  13. @ Poetry; Thank you for visiting.

    @ Anshul; Thank you for your comment and visiting.

    @ Larry; Thank you for the encouragement. I will get there. <3