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Friday, September 30, 2011

Awareness

I have spent the last week or so in personal introspection. I have learned a lot from my friends here in the blogosphere, not the least of which is that I am worthwhile.
Last night I had an episode, for lack of better word I guess. This was a physical happening. I had no idea what was going on and it scared me enough to get me to the doctor, not something I am likely to do. As it turns out they know something is wrong, but they don't know what is causing it for sure. Probably a medication thing. My pulse rate was extremely low and my blood pressure high. I am on medication for the blood pressure; I was very frightened for a minute.
What this did was make me examine once more what I am doing with my life. I have decided that I am growing and learning everyday. I have learned to forgive myself and to go forward from there, I have learned to forgive others and protect myself when I must. I am slowly learning to trust, people are starting to trust me.
I realized I am still lousy with money, something I truly need to work on, first I need to learn to care about it.
I am not nearly as full of excuses for myself or others, I don't spend near as much time justifying actions of myself or others, I don't feel the need to explain myself every single time I screw up. I am always going to screw up, it is who I am. I strive to be better and less flighty, that is enough. I work hard on myself.
As to what I have accomplished in my life, I have loved and been loved, I am overcoming some huge traumas, I have helped others overcome theirs, I managed to raise 5 kids nearly on my own into adulthood, I have 10 beautiful grandkids, and one beautiful mother who considers me her friend. I have a couple lifetime friends whom I love and who love me. I quit chasing the bad boys and fell in love with a man who treats me with the respect I deserve. There are many other things I have accomplished.
I am still hurting like hell over the temporary loss of my son, but I know one way or the other I will see him again. I know that I am finally doing the right thing where he is concerned.
I know when I am gone the tides will still change, the waves will still roar and the sand will still sustain an unseen world.
I also know that I will leave a mark and I have changed things in my small way for the better on this place we call earth.
I go back to the doctor on Tuesday and we will see what he has to say, I am still concerned as to what is going on, I have not felt this way before. The symptoms include total and complete exhaustion, fatigue, partial blindness at times, I feel as though everything is surreal. These are but a few of the things I have been feeling. Doctor seems to think it is meds, he ran an ekg and all was fine and took a bunch of blood like I said we will see.
In the mean time, I have been reminded once more to live my life to the fullest and quit sweating the small stuff.
If this makes no sense I apologize, You have all been with me through so much that I wanted you to know I am not up to par yet, one of the largest symptoms I have is the sleepiness, literally falling asleep every 2 hrs. or so.

On a different note I want to mention the contest on Blognostics: http://blognostics.net/blognostics-for-jens-sakes-pinktober/ go here to check it out. It is all about BREAST CANCER AWARENESS something everyone needs to participate in.

I have watched cancer take the lives of 3 close family members in the last few years, early detection might have saved their lives. Be aware.    

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Today's Words

Slowly things seem to be falling into place.
The brain is a buzz with possibilities.
Hope is alive and well.
Pain is running second now.
Love is in first place.
Honesty has taken the place of  deception.
Fear is subsiding.
Security is running rampant.
Heart is still broken.
Sadness still happens.
Tears are slower now.
Laughter more frequent.
Smiles given and received.
Time doesn't heal, the memories fade.
The sharpness starts to dull.
The shock wears off.
Self preservation; an instinct; takes over.
Not better yet.
Can see the possibilities now.
Respect given, respect received.
Hugs and kisses, that are sincere.
Destiny? Fate?
Rocky roads, switchback trails, steep mountains.
Clear path, straight lines, rolling hills.
Tear stained smiles.



 




Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Emptiness

The emptiness I feel inside is the same as any emptiness I have felt after a death. It is a death. I have made myself accountable to you, my great web friends and to my family. I cannot go backwards in my decision to protect myself. Yet I still have this hollow feeling where Kenny used to be. I know on one hand this is normal and that I will heal, the gaping wound becoming a scar, on the other side I am overwhelmed with emotions that I haven't felt in 30 years.

I was raised with several different kinds of abuse as a daily occurrence  and I myself continued the cycle, I had no idea how to change it. When my grandfather died I was left empty as well, I had already married and had some children, I was 18 when he died. I had married into alcoholism which I knew nothing of and soon joined the party. To say he alone was abusive, would be wrong, his family was very dysfunctional and it fit my needs at the time. I was abusive to him as well, more emotional than physical but that I did my share of damage can not be denied. After I left that marriage I found another man that was the same with a different name, not so much physical this time, emotional and crazy making, the next was less so but still the same. Finally I found Randy and all was well, but I was not dealing with the emptiness because I had my son to fill that void the abuse had filled.

I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous that a person would miss that type of behavior in their life, and those that have not experienced it will be aghast at the thought. Regardless it is how many of us feel, I am not living in the past, I want nothing more than to heal, but in living with the constant abuse somehow was/is  way of life. I have put a lot of the damaging people out of my life, no longer succumbing to the behavior. I will continue to grow and will fill the vast void with the love of the ones who are in my life. At the moment however, I am trying to recover from one of the most horrific decisions I have ever had to make. I know that I am loved, I know that this journey will not be as treacherous as paths I have chosen in the past.

This is a difficult task I have set for myself, I find myself wondering everyday if he is okay, I have nightmares every night of him being hurt or killed or of him killing himself. I haven't heard anything of him since the day I said good bye. I know it is all adjustment, I know that he will survive or not by his own choices and that there is nothing I can do. Sadly that does not make it any easier to accept. But accept I will and go on. Just don't be surprised if you read that I am feeling bleak and depressed.

What I have realized is that for some reason I derived some kind of pleasure out of being a victim. Things I would not have taken from anyone else in the world,(because I am strong,) have been put upon me for years by my own son. Why, because I allowed it. Why did I allow it, because somewhere somehow I derived pleasure. Maybe in the attention, maybe in the being needed, maybe in the challenge of trying to fix it. I am not truly sure of the whys. The longer I am sober the harder it was to deny what I was doing. Not what he was doing. So now I will deal with the emptiness and try to let it heal. I have learned enough to reach out to those that care when I start to become overwhelmed, I am also aware that I can not do this alone. changing the brain takes time and work. I will get there, thanks to you and the family who has stepped up.

I also must say that for 50 years of my life there was no support for what was happening, I was blamed and vilified by nearly everyone. As a result I thought I had to do it alone,I had no choice as far as I could see. It was my fault grampa did what he did, it was my fault I had bad men in my life, it was my fault Kenny was who he was. I was told these things over and over again until just a few years ago. The doctors told me it was because of me that Kenny was sick. Understandably I believed I had to fix it. No one would help, but I thought I could anyway. Wrong!

I am 54 the abuse pattern was started at 4-6 months. It is ending now, but I won't heal overnight.

I'll take more pictures, spend more time with mama and love the babies, that is how I will start the process. I am taking a few days off for now, may do Magnificent Monday but will be taking some time to be alone, to nurture myself.

Thank you my dear friends for listening and know that I value each and everyone of you.<3<3<3


  All graphics thanks to google search: images.

Friday, September 23, 2011

This Moment



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A Friday Ritual. A photo- no words-capturing a moment from the week. A simple extraordinary moment.A moment to pause, savor, and remember.
“This Moment” is a ritual found on”Life inspired” by The Wee Man and Almost There by Sarah Jane. Which I confiscated from “Raising Amelie” by Alejandro.

I have to admit that I was not at the coast today. I was scanning my mother’s photos for her blog. I came across this photo. It is near Charleston, Oregon, close to where I was raised and this is a common memory for me. I spent the first 24 years of my life on the coast of Oregon and it is still my haven. A place where I find sanity.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

A New Day

First I want to thank everyone who has shown me love, support, and encouragement, I cannot express to you what a difference you all have made in my life. I feel as though I have a group of people walking with me everywhere I go. When I start to get down on myself I am able to think of the words that were said, I am then able to focus a little better and go on. I have been able to smile today and I even took some pictures. I went to a place that is very close to home as I am still fearful a bit of being alone in the car, makes no sense I know but that is a hurdle I will overcome. I am slightly paranoid of running into my son when alone.

I was wandering around, speaking to a park maintenance fella, a very nice man I must add, we visited for a bit while I shot photos; then he found a discarded needle and began to talk of all the addicts that he picks up after in an attempt to protect the public. I was not, unfortunately, shocked, after all I have lived with this as a part of my home and work life for many years. I saw a compassion in him for these people he cleans up after that is not often there. He was not angry or resigned, I would have to say more like hopeful that the world would change someday and he would be out of a job. This is not an attitude I often encounter when it comes to the street people of our community. At this I was shocked.

Then as I climbed down a bunch of rocks that pretended to be a trail to the water in order to take some shots from a different  prospective, to be closer to the water. I saw that there was a man fishing but figured we would not disturb each other much. I was snapping away when my foot slipped, the resulting rock slide drew the attention of the man on the stump; he turned around and said "Hey, why aren't you working anymore?", he had been a customer of mine for years and years. I was very pleasantly surprised.
His name is Brandon, we talked a bit of small talk, then he announced that he had quit drinking a few months back and told me how much healthier and happier he was. His entire family are really good friends with beer, all of them, he proceeded to tell me some stories as to why he quit and what was going on in his life now. He asked me about my kids. well ya know I  tried to give him a short run down on the happenings, nothing serious just the quick news. He didn't by it at all, he asked after Kenny specifically; it all came pouring out of me like some kind of pressure cooker explosion. I must have talked for 20 min., when I was done, his response was  simple. He said, "you did right Jan," Then he put down his pole and climbed down off the stump and gave me a hug. He never said anything more about it, I took some more pictures and started to climb up out of the hole I was in, see, I came down the wrong way, figured I would go back the same way, not so easy. Brandon jumped over and gave me his hand to lean on and said it again.

It was a good place to go today.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The End of a Saga

I need to write, I am so confused that I have no idea what to say; I hurt, I'm grieving, I don't like what has happened this week, on the other hand it had to happen.

My son completely crossed the line this week and I told him goodbye. I wont let him in again. He is an alcoholic, and a drug addict, I have done everything and more for him than anyone should have done. I let him control me through intimidation, fear . I'm done. I can love my son and I do, without losing my own heart and life.

He has a myriad of different mental illnesses that he tries to blame his bad behavior on. I just don't care anymore. He threatened the safety of a 12 yr old as well as 4 other children 7 and under, all of whom happen to be my grandchildren. If I can't have faith in him to hold it together with his own nieces and nephews in the home, how can I ever trust him with anything.

He has been throwing a temper tantrum and threatened his brother and his girlfriend, threatened myself and my husband with all kinds of crap. My older daughter pointed out that he has been doing this for over 14 yrs., because he got away with it. I was so fearful of him that I actually have a lifetime stalking order against him and his father has a restraining order. I honestly felt for years that I would be his first murder victim.

Now you can read this and assume that we were lousy parents, we were to a point, remember he is 28 years old has never held a job, quit school at 10, went to prison for beating up a girl who was 8 mo. pregnant while she was holding a 2 year old. I tried all the counseling and therapy that I could afford. All to no avail, he didn't and doesn't care, he is and I believe was born insane. The trouble started when he was little more than an infant.

I have carried guilt for many, many years, thinking that all was my fault some how and that I should be able to fix it. I can't, he chooses not too! He has manipulated me with that guilt his entire life. His dad and I were at such odds with each other that we allowed him to play us one against the other. We are presenting a united front now, Kenny really does not like that.

I am grateful to all of you for your support through this, you gave me strength to stand up and be firm. Rebecca, Noah, Randy, Timothy, and Brittney all family that I shared the pain with, have been very supportive of me and have stood by me as I go through this awful and painful process of grieving for a child who is not dead. My mother has been instrumental in helping me to be Jan, she loves me without any question, unconditional, and most of all accepts me as I am. I never knew this about her until recently, it has given me a piece of the strength I needed as well.

I am sure I will be having some days that I want to give it up and let him in, I know that I can't. I quit drinking, I can stop this self damaging behavior ; because I know I have all of you, and my family.

This is huge for me, the end of a life of abuse, a new chapter, The storm shall let up for a bit, the journey continues.



Thank you, to all of you for listening.


Monday, September 19, 2011

You Tube Tuesday

You Tube Tuesday: You Tube Tuesday started by Josh at "It's Tiger Time". You Tube Tuesday is a day set aside to share your favorite video. Join us every week and see how creative we bloggers can be. Be sure to post yours at ,"It's Tiger Time", and any blog you visit.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Magnificent Monday: Colors

Magnificent Monday: hosted by Jim at http://holesinmysoles.blogspot.com/, Each week there is a different theme, this week is colors; check out his blog and leave your Magnificent Monday link on the Mr.Linky, and any post you visit. Come join us on our journey.
For me, myself and I colors are nature (except orange), I mean orange is in nature but I don't like it much. As to the why's , I have no idea, just never have. I went through years of not liking pink as well, even though everyone said how good it looked on me. I thought it was an over feminine color, to much for this country girl. Silliness I know. Still the aversion to orange hangs with me. It could be, I suppose all those 70's orange and olive green decors I had to endure, or the fact that our cities main sports rival  wears black and orange, I doubt that though, I have an almost as equally strong aversion to sports as well. Not the ones the kids play for fun, but the ones that give people a free ride in school that put no effort into the classroom. Never mind, this is about colors. Now I am not going to say that I have not seen beautiful shades of orange in nature, I certainly have, I've been to some very red and orange places, Wyoming for one, and I have seen some beautiful sunrises and sunsets that were dominantly orange.


  There is nothing to compare with the blue of Crater Lake; not even the sky,as you can see here the lake is more blue. The peace and calm from being surrounded by blue is phenomenal.


If you look at this little guy/girl, you can see so many different colors of the earth in his/her fur, brown, tan, white, black and everything in between. Seeing them is always a reason to smile.

Well look at that; I found some orange, a wonderful lily sparkling it's orange color from among the green all around, creating a majestic pose for itself. Now this orange I can deal with.


The wondrous little lady bug, all dressed in orange and black, Oh, there is one in red, they come in both colors, I would never discriminate between the two.

Daisy all pristine in their white petals of love.

 
Sahalie Falls Oregon, creating rainbows of color for all to see, the beauty of which cannot be shamed.

 One of those orange tinted sunsets I mentioned, a lovely sight.
 This is one of the examples of why I don't like orange, a dying tree.

 A perfect reason to love orange, Baby Lewis  is all orange after enjoying his treat.
 Does anyone know what these are, or what the blossoms were before the seed pods?

 Bright yellow, green and brown, nature at its best, I believe.
 Deep deep yellow, almost orange, but not quite there.


            Man working with nature to create beauty.


Another orange I can love, but actually....he is more buff.

                                     Just pretty, that's all, fall is on the way.

A good reason to have a serious dislike on orange, argh, those construction zones.

Green, need I say more?

                               This moonchild is convinced, a harvest moon was all it took.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Venting Mostly.

I can say that this week has been a huge test to my personal boundaries. I can also say that I failed terrifically in part and was extremely successful in the rest of it. I know I will be okay and I know my relationship will remain intact. Which for me besides myself is the most important of everything that I deal with on a daily basis. It has been difficult and my heart has been aching, yet I have been able to smile and carry on and finish tasks that I set for myself. Well then again, I work best under stress.

What has happened is that my middle son and his girlfriend and their 4 children have come to stay with Randy and I. This is fine and was done because the children needed a safety net, they do not deserve to be lost because their parents are. Their parents are on the way to mending and will recover from this just fine. I wish some one had been there for me, to protect my children when I couldn't.

What is at issue is the fact that my youngest son, whom I have written of before will not leave. He is driving me crazy, literally and I don't seem to be able to get him out of my home. He is adept at emotional blackmail and guilt trips. I know logically that I owe him nothing at this point. We have done everything humanly possible to help this boy, who is no longer a boy, but a 28 year old man. He wears me out and depresses me. It is oppressive to have him in my home. No I haven't given up, I probably never will, but I must remove him from my home. He does......nothing.....absolutely nothing except try to prove he is doing something.

Tonight we have Lewis, always such a joy and helps me to maintain balance, it is easier to say no to Kenny when I have someone besides myself to protect. As wrong as I know this is it is where I seem to be stuck right now. It is the old abusive syndrome I recognize it for what it is, it is just incredibly difficult to implement my tools when it is my son. I know that I am worth protecting, I realize that I can't protect anyone if I can't protect myself. In order to do this against my son, I have to be able to fully recognize and admit that Kenny is a danger to me. So hard to believe of your own child, let alone the baby of the family.

He has been angry and violent since 18 months old.

I know that this is repetitive, the reason for that being, it is the biggest stumbling block in my life. I'm not sure what to do and it is an area that I have studied and had therapy for, tried and tried to deal and cope with. I seem to always end up back where I started.

I try to be compassionate and sensitive, Kenny takes full advantage of who I am that way and manipulates aggressively. I don't want to lose that part of myself to cynicism and anger, yet I can feel it happening. I know there are all kinds of answers, I know that I am the only one that can change things, I know that it is a dangerous situation, I know all of these things. I feel like there is a 10 foot thick steel wall, to high to climb, in front of me, and no way around.

I know what the answers are, I also know that I have not been able to implement them in 28 years. I just want the pain to stop. For myself and him.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

You Tube Tuesday

You Tube Tuesday: started by Josh at: "It's Tiger Time", is an event for all to contribute their favorite video, leave your link at http://itstigertime.blogspot.com/2011/09/you-tube-tuesday_12.html on the Mr.Linky tool. Visit them all. Once a month Josh will highlight a selected video and resent the "You Tube Tuesday" Award. Let us see how creative we can be.


























































































































Monday, September 12, 2011

Red Tree Vole/Smiley Sociology Study #8 - Rare Animals







Photograph by Michael Nichols, National Geographic

The Red tree Vole is a Rodent 6 to 8 inches in length that lives in the tops of old growth Douglas fir trees located in the western Cascades and coastal regions of Oregon. As the forests are decimated, for the growth of humans and their needs so is the habitat for these little critters. The spotted owl feeds on them which means as their numbers diminish so to will the owls. The entire eco system is threatened by man's unthinking and disrespectful ways. The Red tree vole feeds exclusively on Douglas Fir needles and gets it's water from the dew. I personally have never seen one, they live in the upper branches of the trees and when the young leave the nest the are likely to build their nest in the next branch. They will jump up to 100ft to the ground to escape a predator. These little guys are very mouse like with their tail being half of the body length. They are a specialized creature in their habits and an important part of the the eco system of the area. They go the spotted owl goes and on down the line.
Photos thanks to Google Search.   For more info on Oregon wildlife:http://www.oregonwild.org/fish_wildlife/wildlife-pages/red-tree-vole

To participate read about and leave your link on the Mr.Linky on Rachel's Blog here; http://rhymemeasmile.blogspot.com/2011/09/smiley-sociology-study-8-rare-animals.html
and read all the other links as well....

Sunday, September 11, 2011

MIKE: A DIFFERENT TRIBUTE

I know that everyone is doing a 9/11 Tribute for Magnificent Monday, I however have done 2 posts on 9/11 which will be on Jim's blog: http://holesinmysoles.blogspot.com/2011/09/magnificent-monday-remembrance.html, You can find mine and many other's there.

I don't know that I have written about my friend Mikey; he died 4 years ago on September 9th, he was 37 years old. 

 I met Mike when he was just a youngster in his early 20's, he was dating the girl that lived next door to me. They had a tumultuous relationship of drugs, alcohol and violence. At the time I was still drinking and had my own children at home. Mike helped me in numerous ways was always there when I needed him for help with my troubled child Kenny. I became very close as if he was another of my children. Although he drank and did drugs he never showed me the part of himself that was so confused. He did his best to hide his drug life from me, I always feared for his life more from the alcohol than any other drug,  he became violent when he drank. 

 One of the most important aspects of Mike was his love for his mother, they were very close, he made sure that I met her and that we became friends. We did. Mike shared many parts of his life with me and I with him. For a time he was the only friend I had. 

Then as often happens our ways parted and we did not see each other for many years, I ran into him at a grocery store and we were best friends again. He met my husband and approved, he and my older son (not Kenny) started working and drinking together and bonded all over again. Mike had several girlfriends over the years, the woman he was with when we reconnected was pregnant with his first child. He was trying desperately to get his life together for that baby. His girlfriend started accusing him of having affairs with everyone he talked to,  it was all very sad. Mike left her and had custody of the baby, he was our roommate  for a time. He was trying so hard to give up the life but just couldn't seem to get there. He had a daughter. He met and was with another woman, she was very young, there were problems from the beginning; then she was pregnant. He loved her, but couldn't be with her.

I want to add that in all this time I had never met his other friends, he had friends spread in several different towns all around and none of us ever met until the funeral. He had a huge faith in God, was a member of his church and had many dear friends at the church as well. Mike had a charm and a smile that was extraordinary, he was very handsome in a bad boy sort of way and was an outrageous flirt. He could always make anyone smile no matter their mood. He was loved by everyone who knew him. He was also despised for his insanity at times. 

Just before Mike moved in with us his mother died, she had been sick for several years, he had taken care of her during that time. He was devastated, he knew it was coming, the blow was not softened with knowledge. Then his heart was broken again when his family deprived him of certain rights because of his previous behaviors, it shouldn't have mattered, he was there when she needed him. On top of the death of his mother he was coping with losing his girlfriend of a couple years, and the alienation of his family. He had lost his relationship with his father years ago and his stepbrothers as well.

There is absolutely no debating the fact that Mike was a mixed up kid, a very confused adult, he had done many things that would make the normal cringe and judge. I never did, neither did he ever judge me. He had the most open and loving soul of anyone I have ever met, even with all his illnesses. He played guitar, Metallica mostly, he road bikes, motorcycles, drove fast cars, he did everything with passion, including loving and hating. 

After Mike moved out we became estranged again, over something very trivial, with his passion it became large. We didn't speak for months because he thought I wronged him, me in my pride would not make the first move. He was still seeing and hangin with my son so I knew he was alright. 

Then one day about 6 o'clock he road up on a motorcycle he had bought with his inheritance from his mother,just a couple weeks prior. He gave us both huge hugs, ran in the house a grabbed a beer from the fridge. We were sitting outside on the porch enjoying a warm September evening, he joined us and visited for a bit, showing off the new bike. It was of the Ninja type, I don't know what brand, he was very proud of it. I told him,"you are gong to hurt yourself on that thing," he poo poo'd my warning and we sat and talked and settled our differences. When it was time for him to go he gave us both huge hugs and said I love you about 20 times. 

As he pulled out of the driveway we stood and watched as he hit the throttle and soomed off hitting probably 60, 65 miles an hour in 2 blocks, pulling a wheelie as he went. Randy and I looked at each other saying,"he's going to kill himself on that thing." 6 hours later he was dead. He missed an intersection and crashed into the sign on the other side, the bike was fragmented and so was he. 

He was drunk, Mike was usually drunk. I should not have let him leave, but I did. I couldn't have stopped him, he was on a mission. He stopped several places that evening to see many people and had similar conversations with them all, as if he were saying good bye; I will always wonder if he knew.

That was a life changing time for me, Mike's death was not in vain. When I heard what happened my first response out of the hysteria was; " No one will ever come into my house a grab another beer". They haven't. I quit drinking that day and my life completely changed, then on the following Thanksgiving(2 months later), I blew it I got drunker than I had been in years. I drank all of my beer, was stealing Kenny's,(which was rot gut), and stealing shots from Randy's bottle, ( I hadn't drank whiskey in 20 years.) I was sick for three days. I haven't drank since.

To back up a bit, the service for this man was beautiful in that there were so many people , very few knew each other, we accepted each other as Mike's loved ones and mourned him together for the time we were there. The Pastor revealed that Mike had come to him in the weeks before, trying to find answers,  making Pastor laugh at most inopportune moments in Bible study. The service was filled with people like myself, addicts, people in recovery, and half the congregation of his church. We celebrated his life, A life filled with torment yes, but also with love. I miss him still and always will.

Mike has two daughters, the second born after his death, I likely will never know either of them, I can only hope and pray that they know of their father's love and how devoted to them he was, even in his turmoil.


Saturday, September 10, 2011

9/11/01 A Horrifying Video; A Tribute (to the victims of a horrifying day lest we ever forget).

I am posting this to help us remember the impact that this tragedy had on us all. Never for get that it was real people that were killed, with families, hearts, love and in the end fear. Watching this has put things back into prospective for me. The conspiracy theories, the blaming, it doesn't really matter. What matters are the people we lost. You may not be able to remember all the names, but remember the hearts. 

The second video is also a reminder of what happened on that horrific day. To all of us.


This last video is for every military person and their families who have given their lives or the lives of their loved ones to protect us as a country, from another horrific attack.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Thank You

I have an overwhelming amount of stuff going on right now...having a difficult time putting thoughts together. I read your blogs to stay grounded, to know what I'm dealing with is just a bump in the road. I don't have a romantic heartbreak to cope with, I am so grateful for that. My finances are screwed but not more than usual. I'm fairly healthy physically, could stand to loose a bunch of weight but other than that, I am doing well. Especially considering all the foolishness I've done to my body.

I get mired in the woes of my children, which are not small by any means, I help where I can, trying not to go over the boundaries I have set for myself. I watch them hurt and heal, lose all hope gain it back, I sometimes believe I am too involved. What changes my mind on that fact is when I get to share the blessed moments as well. Family is everything to me. I recognize that I cannot "fix" the problems they have made for themselves, but I can be there to hold them when they are looking for a direction. I would never tell them which way to go, that is not my job anymore. I can however show them some options without pulling them in the direction I would choose. For one thing they are all a lot like I am and would go the opposite way.

Lately it seems as if everyone is going through a bad patch, I have no answers, I myself have been swallowed in a darkness of my own. I can see the spiral down path some of them are on and yes it breaks my heart, there is still nothing I can do. I can not break the fall, I can not stop the spin. To stand by and watch is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I appreciate my mother and her love even more,  she watched the same in me. What she had to deal with was even deeper, she thought it was her fault. 

I know they will all come through this and be stronger, smarter and wiser for the trip. No one wants to hear that while they are in the midst of their suffering, so what do you say? I say, "Well, what can you do to change it?" or " One thing at a time." Or simply "I love you". There is not much else to say. 

Doing, the secret is in the doing , I can't fix what they or anyone else is feeling, I can do for them if it is going to help them help themselves. I wont do it for them, I can't, don't have the energy. I walk with them unless they choose a course I won't traverse, in that case I would tell them I have to leave. Sometimes I think being honest is the hardest, instead of the easiest way to be. When dealing with insanity and their reality has nothing to do with real life it is a challenge to get the truth to penetrate. If you are consistent in that truth and your own boundaries, it can be done. 

Back to me, aside from everything my children are going through, (I have 5, all adults), I myself have been in crisis as well. No one to talk too, no one to hear. The darkness sneaks in and takes me into a deep hole of despair.The echos of a past I can no longer deny, I have to explore the abuse, I have to feel it, I have to know that it is over, I have to know it was not my fault. I have to reconstruct my thought processes. I want to see light and color, I want the fabric of my life  rewoven. 

 I count on you folks who write and interact everyday to keep me seeing the crack of light I know is there. I am grateful to you all for being there and sharing your lives with me. I still don't cry, I haven't in years, not since Mikey died, which was four years ago yesterday. 


Thank you for listening, thank you for caring, thank you for your time.   


Images thanks to Google Search      

Friday Moment

A Friday Ritual-No Words-capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment you want to pause savoir and remember. "This Moment", is a ritual found on "Life Inspired" by The Wee Man, and "Almost There" by Sarah Jane. Which I confiscated from "Raising Amelie" By Alejandro.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Nostalgic Moments








The smell of pipe tobacco....Now how does one go about showing that pray tell? You can almost see his pipe there in his hand, you can see the imprint in his shirt pocket; Dad always had a pipe. This was long before the stigma of smoking became such a huge negative. I loved then, do now the fragrance of that pipe. For me it meant safety, love, stability, and of course war movies. Camping was a bit of a challenge with that pipe for me I must admit., we traveled all over the country and Dad was not one to open a car window. In later years we were in a pick up, the 3 of us up front, hours of driving with that pipe burning. Still to this day, if I catch the aroma of a pipe, I am swiveling around to see from whence it came. Logically I know that Dad will not be standing there, but I still expect to see him; he has been gone over 20 years. Now the reason for the nostalgia would be because Dad and I had a very tumultuous relationship, much anger and resentment. Dad did not protect me when he should have and I resented him for allowing me to be hurt. He joined in the hurtful behavior on some levels; I understand now this was out of his own fear. At the time of his death I did not have any clue how badly I had been damaged and I know that he couldn't have. As a result now when I smell the tobacco I think of the innocent times, the joy we shared in each other's company, I did everything with him until I started to develop as a young woman. We fished every lake in the region, camped in every campground, hiked every trail, we also built garages sheds, poured concrete, mom and my sister were there too, but it was special with him, until...I was 13.

I have few if any photos of my father with his pipe; mama always made Dad put the pipe away when the camera came out. I do however, rarely picture him in my minds eye without the pipe either in his hand or  biting on it lips pulled back just a bit. I see him smiling around the pipe stem, grimacing as he hammered in the nail, or hooked the fish. All this comes to mind with the aroma. There one instance in particular I remember as if it had just occurred. Dad had laid a concrete slab to place our new home on, he was troweling it out even as I stood to the side and watched. He said to me"Now don't walk across this just yet, it is still wet." I said, in my chipper little voice,"Okay daddy." As I proceeded to traipse directly across the wet cement to him. I immediately realized what I had done, put both my hands over my mouth and stared at him. He dropped his jaw, pipe and all, barely catching it in his hand without the trowel. Instead of being angry or upset he opened his arm to wrap around me. I heard him explaining to mama later that the look on my face was enough for him. What I remember is the smell of his pipe
spiraling  up to me from his hand he had tightly wound around me. These are the times the aroma brings to me. I remember the smoke rings he blew in our home from his big brown recliner the house having a blue smokey tinge through out. I never tired of asking him to blow smoke rings. This is when life was innocent and good.

When  the smoke wafts past my nose it also conjures memories of campfires, and the smells of an undeveloped forest, little creatures and Forest Rangers, the only times I was in love with life.

 That is where the aroma takes me to if only for an instant.  I cherish those times of innocence like no other time in my life. Dad was strong, determined, creative, smart, stern most of all he was funny. The pipe takes me back to a time before I knew he was human and not a God. Not a bad place to visit.

photos thanks to jvnphotos and google image search.

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